


"I'm fine, don't worry." a Ryden HS fic

by MyMellody19



Series: "I'm fine, don't worry." [1]
Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Paramore
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships (briefly), Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Brendon is dramatic af, Brent and Spencer are super edgy, Bullying, Divorce (briefly), Drama, DysFUNctional families, F/M, Gen, High School, M/M, Multi, Other, Peterick, Ryan is super feminine, Ryden, SO MUCH DRAMA HOLY SHIT, Some kinda sensual fluff????, Struggling with Religion, Suicide, no smut though, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 14:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 61,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8983948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyMellody19/pseuds/MyMellody19
Summary: Brendon, Ryan, Brent, and Spencer are juniors in high school. They all have their internal struggles, but with each other's love and support, they can overcome these struggles and survive the hell high school can be.





	1. "I'm fine, don't worry."

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to let you guys know right now that this contains a lot of sensitive subjects that may upset you. If anything in this offends you in any way, I highly suggest not reading this at all. I won't be held responsible for any triggers that may be set off. You've been warned. But if you're here to read it, then you're in for a treat! Enjoy!
> 
> This is all a work of fiction, though there are some real-life references in here.

*Brendon's POV*

Ryan Ross...how can I describe him? Well, he's a sweet guy, to make it simple. Ryan's my sweetheart and I'll protect him at all costs. I was in line for lunch, like usual. School food sucks, and it either has no flavor or it's completely submerged in butter. I'm usually too lazy to pack a lunch anyway. Their nachos are basically the only good thing there, but it's not something I'd have every day. I guess some of it isn't too bad. I grabbed some lunch and went to the corner where we usually hang out at. I couldn't find Brent or Spencer. I guess they're grabbing lunch too. Even though we're all juniors, we still find a way to sneak off school grounds. I mean, we're allowed to leave for lunch anyway. I did find Ryan, who was sitting in the corner, acting a little strange. He had his guitar in its case, a surprisingly lightly used notebook and the rest of his things beside him. I thought, Man, Ry's acting weird. He'd usually greet me, but he can't even bring himself to look at me. I knelt down beside him and asked, "Hey, babe...you doing okay? You've been really quiet today and I'm getting worried. Is there something that I should know about?" Ryan just hung his head down, not wanting to talk at all. I looked over at his things. "Your guitar's all put up, I didn't get to hear you singing, you're not writing in that journal, and you haven't spoke at all today. What the fuck is going on?" I'm getting super worried now...Ryan has been quiet before, but never this quiet. I have a feeling that I did something wrong, but I know that's very unlikely. I got closer to him to rub his back. "Come on, baby. You can tell me. What's going on?" I noticed some tears threatening to fall, but I paid no attention to it. He looked away and said quietly:

"Nothing's wrong, Brendon. It's nothing. I'm fine." I noticed that he didn't call me any of those cutesy nicknames he usually uses. There's something wrong, but he just doesn't want to tell me. He's scared of how I'll react. I looked at him in confusion and concern. He said again, "I'm fine, Brendon. Please...just...just please don't worry about me." 

I replied, "No, you're not. You are not fine. Your eyes say everything, Ryan. Plus, you never talk like that, which is a dead giveaway. What's really going on?" Ryan gathered his things, got up and started walking away from me. I caught up with him to try to talk to him. I stopped him by gently pushing him up against the wall. "You can't keep walking away from your fucking problems and keep bottling them up, Ryan! You've got to talk to people!" I said sharply. I soon regretted talking to him in a sharp tone when I saw a few fresh tears start streaming down his face. I gently asked, "Ryan...I didn't mean to raise my voice. What's wrong?" He slid down to the floor with his back against the wall, crying quietly. I knelt down in front of him to give him a hug. "Ryro....why are you crying? Is it something bad?" He nodded. I comforted him. “What is it, baby…? You can talk to me.”

Ryan said in a quiet, sappy voice, “I-I just had a shitty week, Brendon.” I sat down next to him, pulled him gently into my lap and consoled him. He continued, “My dad...he got drunk again and...and…” I heard him break down, crying harder than he ever has before. Through his tears, he said angrily, “He was saying shit like ‘Oh, you wanna be a rockstar, Ryan? Well, good luck with that. It ain’t happenin’. You should’ve picked something better to do with your time than fucking writin’ in that journal and actin’ like you’re the best thing since sliced bread!’ I took his bottle of Jack, smashed it and ran into my room to lock the door.” 

“Ry...why didn’t you call one of us? One of us could have let you stay with us for a while,” I said quietly. I added, “Did your mom ground you or something?”

He said, “Obviously not. She understood. She’s been wanting to do that for so fucking long, you don’t even know...I just don’t want my dad to die on me. I hate his drinking, but I love him.” I let him bury his face in my chest to just let it out. I feel horrible for not being able to help him at times like that...but I know he’ll always find a way to keep himself distracted. Ryan started sobbing harder than I’ve ever heard in my life...he rarely cries like this. I’ve seen him break down in class a few times, but sobbing is a rare thing to hear out of him. I gave him a gentle kiss on his head. 

“Just let it out, Ry...it’s okay.” I looked over my shoulder to see Brent and Spencer right next to us. I greeted them. “Hey there, guys.” Spencer looked at Ryan with concern. He asked me:

“Bren, what’s up with Ry? He never acts like this. You didn’t hurt him, did you?”

I sighed. “I didn’t hurt him. He just needed a shoulder to cry on. That’s all.”

 

*Ryan’s POV*

I can’t believe what the hell I’m doing right now. I’m legitimately sobbing in front of Brendon. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I wanted him to see me happy like he usually does...behind the mask I hide myself with. I hid my face in my arms with tears crashing on the tile floor underneath me, not wanting Brent or Spencer to see me like this. I got up to walk briskly away from them so I could calm down, but Spencer and Brent stopped me from doing so. Spencer asked me, “Ryan, why are you trying to leave?” I didn’t answer him and kept on attempting to get away. “Ryan! You need to talk to us! We’re your friends, man.”

I said quietly without sounding like I was crying, “I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about anything.” I gathered up my things to leave again, but this time Brendon tried to stop me. I felt like screaming, but I tried to keep my cool. “Brendon, stop trying to get answers out of me. I’m fine.” Brent started to shake his head, knowing that I wasn’t fine at all. Spencer grabbed ahold of me, not letting me go, and I almost let out a shrill scream, but I held it back because I didn’t want to get any teachers over here. I begged him, “Let me go, Spencer...please let me go! You’re bringing back a bunch of memories I don’t want to relive!” 

“Not until you sit your mangy ass down and actually talk to us about what the fuck is going on!” Spencer said sharply. He snarled. “Can’t keep running away from your problems, Ryan...can’t keep bottling them up. It’s best if you just spill it on the table right now, or else we’re dragging you to your counselor’s office and he’ll make you talk.” He finally let me go so I could sit down with them. I was whimpering from the shock alone. Brendon came over to console me, knowing that I’m freaked out right now. Spencer rarely grabs me like that...unless he’s pissed or he’s extremely worried. Brent and Spencer came down on their knees in front of us. “Now, Ryan...talk.”

Brent said gently, “Spence, give him some time. Don’t force him to talk if he doesn’t want to talk.”

He yelled. “I’m gonna fuckin’ force him if I fuckin’ want, Brent! You just shut your damn mouth! I hate it when you say shit like that!" He added, "Plus, it's obvious that something's up, Ryan. Spit it out!" I really hate it when he starts yelling like this. His yelling made me cry a lot harder and tremble with fear because it reminded me too much of my father’s yelling when he’s had too much to drink. Brent automatically came over to my side, rubbing my back gently. Spencer sighed and rolled his eyes. “Oh, so now you’re gonna go over to his side?”

Brent replied, “Yeah, because you’re yelling and it’s freaking him out. I suggest you stop your yelling right now before he ends up having a full-blown panic attack.” He groaned loudly, but Spencer calmed down a bit anyway. Brent asked me gently, “Ryan...what’s going on, man?” He turned to Brendon, who was just as upset as I was, but he wasn’t bringing on the waterworks just yet. “Bren, what’s up with him?”

“To make a long story short, it’s his dad being an asshole,” Brendon said with a sigh. He told me, “Hey, Ry...you tell him the rest.”

I sighed shakily. “Well...I was just helping my mom with dinner and stuff, right? And my dad was just sitting on the couch like he usually does with his good old friend Jack. I was talking to my mom and letting her know about the events coming up...he just happened to fucking butt in like he usually does. He obviously had too much to drink anyway, and he said things to me like ‘Oh, you wanna be a rockstar, huh? Well, good luck with that. It ain’t happenin’. You should’ve picked something better to do with your time than fucking writin’ in that journal and acting like you’re the best thing since sliced bread!’” I breathed a sob. “I-I didn’t even do anything and he just came out with saying horrible things like that! I don’t go around acting like I’m the shit. I don’t know where he got that from, but I’m truly hurt.”

Spencer said, “Stop listening to him, Ryan. He’s just jealous of you and you know it.”

“But he’s my dad and I love him!” I said in a sappy voice. I started sobbing again. “I-I don’t understand why he says things like that to me when I never did anything wrong.”

Brent added, “Ry, we know you love your dad, but if you truly love him, you’ve gotta talk to him. Don’t just keep allowing him to push you around like that and keep letting him make you upset.” He sighed. "I don't like seeing you break down in sobs, Ryan...you're too adorable to be crying like this. He needs to listen to you and what you have to say." He tried his best to wipe away my tears and console me.

I replied shakily, “I-I’ve tried to explain to him that music isn’t a joke, but he just doesn’t listen to me at all.” I continued, “He then made some comments about me being gay and Brendon being my boyfriend...that is when I fuckin’ lost it. I went up to him, grabbed his bottle of whiskey to smash it, then went upstairs to my room and locked the door. I got so mad, I started crying harder than I ever cried in my life. My mom came up to talk to me...and I told her that I was tired of him not supporting me, so I smashed his bottle of whiskey to prove to him that I’m more important than alcohol. She understood me one hundred percent and she said she wanted to do that so fucking badly, you don’t even know.”

Brendon gasped. “You didn’t...did you?” I nodded. He asked, “Ryan...it wasn’t just the music...it was about us that made you smash it?” I nodded again.

“Yeah...when he started to talk shit about you and me, I lost it. I love you too much to let him talk about you like that, Brendon.” I gave him a watery smile. “I love you, Beeboo.”

“I love you too, Roo,” he replied.

Spencer added shocked, “Whoa. You smashed his bottle of whiskey? Holy shit...you were pissed.” I nodded. He asked me, “So you didn’t get grounded or anything?”

I said, “Nope, but my dad has to go with my mom to watch us perform from now on. She’s tired of him not supporting me.” I wiped away my tears and tried to pull myself together. I let out a shaky sigh. "My only other outlet besides you three I can't even use right now...that's how upset I am." I felt more tears falling, so I buried my face in Brendon's shirt, sobbing gently. 

 

*Spencer's POV* 

I feel really shitty right now. I made my own friend cry again...and it's all because I raised my voice at him. I thought, Hey. Maybe you should comfort him too. Let him know you're here for him. I knelt down next to Brent, who was rubbing his back, and I decided to rub his shoulders. Brendon...yeah, obviously he's the one hugging him. I asked gently in Ryan's ear, "Hey...you want me to give you a hug too?" He looked up at me, his face wet with tears. I opened my arms for him. "C'mon, Ryro. You need this. I feel like shit for scaring you...and for your dad treating you like shit." Ryan crawled over to me and I automatically wrapped my arms around him. I stroked his hair, admiring how silky it feels. I said to him, "Ry, when your dad goes on his drunken rant again, just take what he says with a grain of salt. It doesn't matter. He's just jealous of you and what you have to offer. I mean, your voice is amazing, you kick ass at the guitar, your writing is incredible, and the best part? People love it." 

Brent added, "Yeah, Ry! A lot of people love your stuff. A huge group of people always want to hear that amazing voice you have. How do I know that? They're always asking about you. They're always saying things like 'Hey, where's that one kid with the bangs and the pageboy hat? The one who carries that guitar around all the time? Yeah, I wanna hear him sing...and play that guitar. He's so good at it. I hope he becomes famous one day...his friends are cool too.' You've got so much going for you, Ry." He placed his hand on Ryan's back. "Just think about the performances and stuff...how kick-ass they always are. You love that...we all love it just as much as you do." 

Ryan sighed. "You're right. You guys are so right." He flipped his long bangs out of his face. "I should be more focused on performances than worrying about having to walk on eggshells around my dad." I smiled and gave him a good pat on the back. 

"There's that Roo we know!" I said happily. Ryan playfully punched me in the arm. "What?" 

Ryan said, "Only Brendon can call me Roo." He smiled as he wiped away his tears. "Just like I'm the only one who can call him Beeboo." 

I asked, "How come you've got all these cutesy nicknames for Brendon, Ryan?" 

"Because why not? He's got a bunch for me as well. I don't see what the problem is," he replied. I noticed that his tears just wouldn't stop falling. I let him go to Brent so he could get some love from him too. Brendon gave me a look of approval. 

"Bren, you don't really need to..." I got cut off by him. 

Brendon said, "I'm happy that you said those things to my Roo. He really needed someone to say that to him. Thank you." I noticed that he was about to cry, but he kept the waterworks back. I had to give him a hug too...and I did. 

 

*Brent's POV* 

I'm now just holding Ryan in my arms, consoling him. I can relate to him totally about not getting enough support and not being accepted for being different. I feel horrible about it. Why didn't he just call one of us? Oh yeah, he was probably crying so hard that we wouldn't be able to understand what he'd be saying. I told him, "Ryan, everything's going to be okay. You'll get through this." I took his hands and held them in mine. "Just breathe." I noticed he took some attempts to take a few deep breaths, but he ended up gently coughing out sobs. I said quietly, "Okay, Ry...just...just let it out. Cry as much as you need to. Nobody's going to judge you." I wrapped my arms around him, letting him bury his face in my shirt. 

Brendon said jokingly, "Roo, are you gonna cry a new lake? C'mon! We love you, babe." He also wrapped his arms around him. I heard Ryan giggling through his tears. Brendon asked, "What's so funny, Roo? Are you just waiting on me to tickle you?" He nodded and Brendon just went after him, tickling his sides. I started giggling too just watching the two of them having fun like that. Ryan started to feel better soon after because I saw that he wasn't crying anymore. It's probably because that's the only thing that would make him feel better is when he's tickled by Brendon. 

I asked him, "Are you better now, Ry?" He nodded. I added with a smile, "Good. I'm glad. Say, since we all have an off-period, you guys wanna go somewhere?" 

Spencer said, “Let’s just fuckin’ ditch for the rest of the day. I don’t feel like going to my physics class. There’s not much that I’ll miss anyway. It's mostly review from last class."

Ryan giggled. “I feel so bad...like a rebel. I don’t really ditch school often, but this should be fun.”

Brendon added, “Duuuudddeee….we should go practice our stuff.”

“But where would we do that? I don’t think my parents are gonna be cool with it if we practice at my house and they're not home,” Spencer said. He asked Ryan, “Your mom doesn’t care, right?”

Ryan replied, “She doesn’t care if we practice at my house. My dad’s not home anyway. He’ll probably be stumbling in at three in the morning, for all I know.” We went over to Ryan’s house and his mom was home. Ryan said to his mom, “Hi, Mama!”

“You’re home a little early, aren’t you, my little songbird?” she asked him.

Brendon answered, “Yeah...we didn’t feel like going to our last classes for the day. Plus we all have the same off-period, so it kinda works out for us." 

She replied, "That's understandable." She turned to Ryan. "Ry-Ry, since your dad's coming home late tonight, you four can go practice whatever you're doing for your show coming up." She muttered, "With my luck, he'll probably be stumbling in at three in the morning." 

Spencer said as politely as he could, "Mrs. Ross...you can just lock him out when he comes home drunk like that. Ryan doesn't need to be around him when he's drunk."

I added, "Yeah...Ry was crying the whole time we have for lunch. Hence all of our shirts, his included, are wet with tears." She automatically went over to Ryan and hugged him.

"Oh, my poor little Roo...your father’s going to be dealt with when he gets home and he's sober enough to listen to me," she said to him quietly. He nodded as if to say he understands.

Spencer said again, "Just lock him out. Ryan's just gonna end up crying tonight again anyway. The guy can stay with a friend." 

Mrs. Ross sighed. "I know...it makes Ryan cry, seeing his own father like that. He's going to end up dying early if he doesn't handle his drinking now." Ryan came over to give his mom a hug. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, took off his pageboy hat and ruffled his hair. “You boys go practice before your father gets home.” 

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

My mom is the best. She was perfectly fine with us ditching our last classes for the day. I rarely ever ditch school, but when I do, I feel amazing. I didn’t even want to go to my science class anyway...I have physics with Spencer. Our teacher’s fucking annoying anyway. She wouldn’t care if we were gone at all. At least I’m not missing my history class. My teacher’s hot. He's got that thick black-brown hair and those gorgeous pure green eyes. Okay, I’m done talking about the class I hate...and the one class I like besides band. I went down to the basement to practice with Brendon and the others. I don’t know why, but I grabbed my notebook that had the song I had written for Brendon and looked over it, debating on whether I should show my friends or not. Brendon looked over at me and asked me, “What’re you doin’, babe?” I don’t know if I should just tell him or just tell a white lie. My mom has always told me that the truth will set you free, so I guess I better tell him. 

I said, "Just looking over something I wrote. That's all." Brendon totally bought it. I added, "I don't know if we should play this or not." 

"Well, what is it, Roo?" Brendon asked. I just handed him the notebook. 

"It's not very obvious at first, but you can probably guess who it's about." Brendon took it gently so he could read it. I said, "There's a certain part in it that always makes me cry...if you read that part, you'll see why." He just looked at it over and over, trying to comprehend what it was saying. 

Brendon said quietly, "Whoa. That's deep, Roo. I didn't know you had this in here...is it about one of us or something?" 

Spencer chimed in. "I bet it's about you, Brendon." He added, "Besides, I hear Ryan working on it before school all the time." 

I replied, "Yeah, Spence. I know you hear me working on it a lot." 

"And I hear you break down and cry afterwards. I guess there's some part that really pulls at your heartstrings," he said. He got up from his drum set and went over to us. "Yo, is it okay if I read it after Brendon?" I nodded. Brendon handed the notebook over and Spencer started reading it. He looked at it in confusion before he got to the part I had the most difficult time with. I think he almost started crying. "Ryro...this is really deep, man. You sure you want us to play it? If I wrote something like this, I wouldn't show it to anyone." 

Brendon added, "Yeah, Roo. I don't think I want to sing it...I'll basically be stealing what you worked on. I would never take this and make it look like I wrote it." Brent obviously didn't know what was going on because he was trying to tune his bass and test it out. 

I replied gently, "I'll sing it. I wrote the damn thing...and I wrote down all the tabs for you guys." I added strongly, "I want to prove to my dad that music's not a fucking joke. I want to prove to him that it's okay to be different...that it's okay to be in love with someone who truly cares about you." 

Brent asked, “What’re you guys talkin’ about?”

“Ry’s got a song that we’re gonna work on for the show. You should read the lyrics. They’re deep,” Spencer said to him. He asked me, “Mind if Brent reads it?”

I said, “No. I don’t mind. But don’t be surprised if I start crying onstage.” Brent saw the part that I was implying automatically and he looked at it with wide eyes. He gave it back to me, almost to the point of crying. He told me:

“Dude...that’s fuckin’ deep. I hope you don’t do what you wrote in there for real, Ryro. That’d make us sad.”

I looked at him and replied, “Brent, I’m not going to do that anytime soon. I’m not that crazy.” I gave them copies of their parts...like guitar tabs, bass tabs and drums...you know, that kind of thing. We worked on the song until my mom told us that dinner was ready and that she already called their parents to let them know that they'll be home after dinner. I know Brendon will come back to snuggle with me and make sure I'm safe anyway. I said to my mom, "Thanks, Mama." I kissed her on the cheek. "I'll clean up after they go home for you." 

"Oh, Roo. You're such an angel," she said with a smile. My mom added, "Your friends and Brendon are very lucky to have you, songbird." Brendon, Spencer and Brent nodded in agreement. 

"I'm lucky to have him as my boyfriend, Mrs. Ross," Brendon said to her. "Ryan's so sweet...so loving...everything about him is perfect. He's the diamond that came from the brick, that's for sure." He came over to hug me and kiss my cheek. Brendon asked my mom, "Mrs. Ross, is it okay if I go up to Ryan's room with him?" She nodded and he took me upstairs to my room.

Brent said, "You're a great woman. I'm gonna go take Spencer home. Thanks for letting us stay for dinner." 

"You know you're all welcome here anytime you want. You two get home safe, okay?" she replied. They nodded and left the house. Brendon closed the door and sat down next to me on my bed.

 

*Brendon's POV* 

I took Ryan’s hands and held them in mine as I gave him a gentle kiss. His lips feel so warm...so soft...so plump. They were just begging me to kiss them. He said quietly, "Brendon...thank you so much for coming over to my house with me. It really means a lot." I smiled and stroked his hair lovingly.

"Anytime you need me, I'll always be there for you, Roo. I just didn’t want to see you cry again like you did the whole time at lunch....I felt horrible," I replied. I looked into his eyes, mesmerized by how much pain lies in them. "Behind that smile, I see so much pain...you keep it hidden so nobody would know what kind of bullshit you go through day in and day out. Your dad's jealous of you, Roo...that's why he says things that make you upset. He's reliving his own childhood through you...or at least he's trying to." 

Ryan sighed. "I know...I just don’t want anyone else to worry about me. I'm not really in the mood to discuss that homophobic, ignorant, abusive, closed-minded, alcoholic son of a bitch right now. It's just going to piss me off to the point where I start crying again." He looked away and I could tell he was about to cry again.

"Ryan, I'm sorry...I was just trying to explain something to you. I don't want you to hate me for it," I said quietly with tears beginning to fill in my eyes. I held him close to my body, comforting him. He looked up at me, looking like he's about to break down and cry.

"Why would I hate you, Beeboo? I would never hate you," Ryan replied quietly with tears filling in his eyes. "I love you! I love you more than I love myself, Brendon." That was when I saw the tears start falling. He continued, "My self-esteem has plummeted because of him...I just put on the fucking happy mask and act like everything's all peachy keen...the only way I can really express my emotions is through music. It's my only true escape...he just doesn’t get it, Brennie!" 

I felt tears roll down my cheeks. "R-Roo...stop allowing your own father to treat you like this! You don't deserve it and neither does your mom!" I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him gently into my lap. I whispered shakily in his ear, "Just please try to stand up for yourself, Ryan. I know you've stood up for us...now you need to stand up for yourself. Show him how strong you are...you don't deserve him pushing you around like that, and you sure as hell don't deserve to break down and cry when nobody's looking every damn chance you get." 

"Y-You're right, Brendon...you're so right. I've been pushed around by him for too long...and I've been pushed to my breaking point," he replied shakily. Ryan started sobbing again for the second time today and I feel horrible about the whole thing. I felt him tremble violently in my arms with every sob. I couldn't help myself, and I ended up joining him. He's too cute to be crying like this.

I gently rubbed his back and kissed him on his forehead. "Let it out, baby...cry as much as you want to. Nobody's here to judge you." Ryan started sobbing harder than he did earlier, making me cry harder as well. He lifted up his head to look at me with tears streaming down his face, crashing on the bed. I said to him in a sappy voice, "Roo, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to make you cry again." 

"I-It's okay, B-Beeboo...I needed to cry anyway," he replied quietly. He added, "I should be apologizing for making you cry, Brendon."

"Ryan...it's not something you should be apologizing for. I'm fine, don't worry. I'm just very empathetic...especially when it comes to you." I pulled him into an embrace, kissing him gently on his lips. He soon returned the favor and it got from kissing to making out. I gently slipped my tongue in his mouth, trying to make him feel better. I placed my hands on his curvy hips and slid them in between his thighs to massage them. After a while, I felt him ooze in his pants from the hot make-out session. I also noticed that he wasn’t crying anymore, and neither was I. I asked him, “You feel better, Roo?”

He nodded. “Much better. Good thing Brent and Spencer left a while ago. I know they wouldn’t care, but still.” Ryan looked down and noticed that his pants were a little sticky, which made him blush. “D….Did I do that, Brendon?”

I smiled. “Just be glad it’s only in front of me. It’s okay. I’m a guy too. Hell, at least it’s not in front of any girls in the classes we all have together.”

“Yeah...I think at least one of them has a crush on me, but they know I’m gay, so they’ll never really have a chance with me.” He hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheek. “Thank you, Brendon...you make me so happy...my ray of sunshine.”

“And you’re my luminous moonlight, Roo. Day and night go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly.” He giggled and I messed up his long hair. I added, “You’re the jelly to my peanut butter, RooRoo.” I stayed with him for the rest of the night until he fell asleep in my arms. I whispered in his ear, “Je t’aime, mon petit chouchou. Je t’aimais pour toujours et à jamais. Je t'aime plus que tu le sauras jamais.” He looks so peaceful when he sleeps...I couldn’t help but smile and fall asleep with him in his bed. I think my parents would understand why I didn’t come home until early morning for school the next day. We’ll be practicing that song he wrote until our performance, which is in a few weeks. Plenty of time...maybe Ryan can be more comfortable with it and he can prove his dad wrong. Music’s not a joke, and neither is our love.


	2. "Help me..."

*Ryan’s POV*

 

Beep...beep...beep. It sounds like, It's five o'clock, get your ass up. That was my alarm clock telling me to wake up for school. I slammed the "dismiss" button and got up. I noticed that Brendon left last night after I went to sleep...he must be getting ready too. I crawled out of the covers and went to go take a shower. After all that crying yesterday, it would be a good idea to do so. I turned on the water and jumped in, feeling the warm water hitting me everywhere. I washed my neck-length hair, washed my entire body with some of the sweet smelling body wash that Brendon loves, and decided to shave my armpits and legs. I am so glad I don't have facial hair. Afterwards, I turned off the faucet, dried off and put on some berry scented deodorant, matching it with the lotion and body spray before I got dressed. I decided to put on a white button-down shirt, a black suit vest, black shorts that ended just above my knees and black knee-high socks. The shorts I put on just hug me in all the right places and I know Brendon likes to see all the curves I have. I brushed and combed my hair, making sure it looked decent before putting my pageboy hat on. I put on my black converse shoes and went downstairs to fix my mom some coffee. I made some coffee for myself and my mom for when she gets up, giving her cup the fixings she likes. I decided to just have some toast, yogurt and fruit for breakfast...I mean, I'm not really that hungry right now. My mom came downstairs in her plush robe. I said, "Morning, Mama. I made some coffee for you." 

"Thank you, my sweet boy," she said as she sat down by me. My mom asked me, "Did you sleep well last night?" I nodded. "Good. Your father just came in last night...a little earlier than usual. Around two in the morning. He should be up in a little while." With my luck, he got up and went into the kitchen. My mom said, "Morning, George."

My dad grumbled sleepily, "Mornin', Danielle." He came over to me to ask, "How you doin', Ro?" Oh my god...he reeks of alcohol and cigars. He looked over to see that I made coffee for him too. "Oh...you made a cup of Joe for your old man? Thanks, son." 

"You're welcome, Dad." I finished up my toast and went to eat my yogurt and fruit as he came back to the table to sit next to my mom. I noticed that he was wanting to talk to me about something, but I chose to ignore it and continued to have my breakfast. My dad sighed and rolled his eyes as he set his mug down.

"Ryan, are you a fuckin' goddamn mute now? You've only said three words to me. What did I do that was so wrong?" he asked me in a sharp tone. I got up to wash off some dishes and drank my coffee, which I made super sweet. My dad shouted, "Answer me, damn you! I’m gettin' fed up with your damn attitude, Ryan!" 

My mom said, "George, leave him alone! If he doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to talk!"

"Does it look like I give a shit, Danielle?" he asked her. He came up to me. "Ryan...your attitude lately has been real shitty." I glared at him. He asked me loudly, almost to the point of screaming, "You got somethin' to say to me, boy!? If so, you better come clean right now!" I knew that I had to stand up for myself now...I heard Brendon’s words in my head, telling me that I need to stand up for myself. I looked my dad dead in the eyes as I said sharply:

"You think I'm shitty, Dad? Look at yourself! You drink on a daily basis, go to a bar to hang out with your alcoholic friends, then you come stumbling in at three in the morning. Do you see me doing that? Of course not! How do you think Mama feels about you drinking like this? Oh, that's right...you don't give a fuck about how anyone else feels. You only care about yourself." I felt myself on the verge of tears as I continued, "You can't even hold a job, let alone spend time with us! I guess alcohol is more important than your own son, who's been dying for the support of his own father." 

My dad asked sarcastically, "Oh, and who's to blame for that, you fuckin' goddamn fag? Why don't you cut your hair? Put on some better clothes! You look like a damn fool." 

I shouted, "Shut your damn mouth! What I do with myself is none of your business! I'm gay and I'm proud of it! Do you want me to end up like you, Father?" I felt the tears start falling on the wooden floor. "Dad...all I wanted was your love and your support. I want to go far in my life with the thing that I love, and you don't even care. You belittle me for wanting to be in a band...for being different, like it's so wrong." He raised his fist like he was about to start hitting me. "Go ahead...hit me. I dare you. It'll just end badly for you, Father." 

"George, please don't hurt my baby!" my mom begged. Spencer’s words were swirling in my head...Just take what he says with a grain of salt. It doesn't matter. He's just jealous of you and you know it. Brendon’s words echoed Spencer’s....You've already stood up for us...now you need to stand up for yourself, Ryan. I took another bottle of whiskey, ready to smash it. My dad looked at me like I was crazy.

"The fuck are you gonna do with that, huh?"

I said firmly through my tears, "Mama and I are more important than a bottle of Jack!" I took it to smash it as I sobbed. "I'm not doing this because I hate you, Dad...I'm doing this for your own good! I don’t want you to die on me! I love you too much to lose you!" I cleaned up the mess hastily, leaving myself unscathed. I walked briskly out of the kitchen and ran upstairs to my room, slammed the door and locked it as I cried harder than I did a few days ago. I took my phone to shakily punch in Brendon’s phone number and put it to my ear, waiting for him to pick up as I sobbed gently. He finally picked up and said: 

"Hello?" 

"H-Hi..." I said quietly without sounding like I was crying.

"Ryan, is everything okay? You sound really upset. What happened?" he asked out of concern. I started sobbing into the receiver. Brendon begged, "Baby...tell me what's going on!" 

I took a shaky deep breath in and let out a shaky sigh. "My dad...h-he tried to hit me...he found a new way to insult me. I took another bottle of whiskey and smashed it..." I broke down in sobs. I breathed a sob with every word I said, "Brendon...I'm...about...to...have...a...panic attack right now!" I heard my dad yelling at my mom, which triggered it completely. I could barely breathe, my heart was racing, I was shaking and I was gasping sobs. I tried to keep myself from screaming. "B-Brendon...I-I can't breathe! I'm having a full-blown panic attack right now!"

He said, "Just sit tight, Ry. I'll be over there in a couple minutes." He ended the call and I was just sitting there, trying so hard to calm down. I called out loudly:

"Mom...Mom! I-I can’t breathe! Mama! Mama!"

I heard someone coming up the stairs and almost started having another panic attack. Turns out that it was just my mom and I opened my door for her. She gave me a hug and kissed both of my cheeks, trying to calm me down. She asked me in concern:

"Are you okay, my baby boy?" I shook my head.

"N-N-No...I-I can't breathe, Mama! I-I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack! M-Mama...I-I don't want to die...!" I answered in a barely understandable voice.

She looked at my current state and she tried her best to wipe away my tears, but they kept falling and they wouldn't stop. She said quietly, "Oh, my poor baby....I'll have a little chit-chat with your father when you go to school. I'm sick and tired of him always making you cry like this." Then my dad came up the stairs...probably to fucking yell at me. 

"That was forty dollars, you fuckin' brat!" 

My mom said to him, "No, George. You deserved it! Stop yelling at Ryan. He doesn't need it and he doesn't want it, George." He sighed and went back downstairs, probably to the attic to drink. We heard the doorbell ring and my mom went to go answer it. With the time I have right now, I went to go brush my teeth because I don't want to kiss Brendon with food bits in my mouth. Like, ew. I decided to reapply the body spray because I didn’t want to smell like my dad’s whiskey and cigars.

 

*Brendon's POV*

I was waiting in front of the door until Ryan’s mom came to answer it. I just hope that Ryan’s okay...I hate hearing him crying like that over the phone. He rarely has a panic attack over the phone when he’s talking to me, so I’m super worried about him. I don’t want to see him get taken away in an ambulance because of a panic attack. His mom came up to the door, dressed for work today. I said to her, "Good morning, Danielle." 

"Morning, Brendon. Are you here to see Ryan?" she asked. I nodded before I replied: 

"Yes...he called not too long ago and I just wanted to know if I could go up to his room and talk to him...try to calm him down." 

She nodded. "You can...he's up in his room. He probably needs you right now more than anything." She added, "You're more than welcome to come in." I mouthed a quiet "Thank you" before going up the stairs to see Ryan. I noticed his door was open, so I slowly walked in. He had his stuff beside him, his guitar, and he was writing something in his notebook. I gently moved his things aside and sat down next to him.

"Hey, babe...you doing okay?" I asked calmly. I noticed that he was still crying because when he was writing, some tears fell on the page. I wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him closer to me. "Roo...please talk to me...I hate seeing you all upset like this. What happened?" 

Ryan sighed. "My dad was just finding new ways to insult me....I stood up to him....he tried to hit me...I grabbed another bottle of his whiskey and smashed it, proving to him that my mama and I are more important than alcohol. I ran upstairs to hide in here...and he's probably gonna come up here to yell at me again." 

"Oh, my poor Roo..." I gave him a hug and rubbed his back. I buried my face in his neck, which smells like my mom's berry pies and tarts that she would make for dessert sometimes. I kissed away his tears. I whispered, "You smell nice...like my mom's berry pies and tarts that she'd make for dessert sometimes." He gave me a watery smile before we heard someone stomping up to his room. Turns out that it was his dad, already drunk off his ass. I said to him, "Mornin', Mr. Ross...Danielle let me in to see Ryan." 

He slurred, "I thought I told you t'be a normal son, Ryan...not be some pillow-bitin' fag..." 

Ryan said to his dad, "Father, you are drunk off your ass at six in the morning. I don't need this right now...you've already upset me enough. Please leave me alone with my boyfriend. He's here to stay whether you like him or not." 

"I don't need your bitchy attitude! You’re a fuckin' fool anyway!" 

I said to him, "Leave him alone, Mr. Ross! What did my boyfriend do to deserve all of this? Just from him being born? I can't believe how much of a bigot you are towards your own son! He's your flesh and blood! You made him! Your wife gave birth to him! All Ryan wants is your love and support, not your abuse and neglect." I added, "And while you're at it, go find a damn job! It's not fair to your own wife and son to be working their asses off while you just sit in the attic and drink all day. Look at yourself, Mr. Ross....you've done damage to the people who love and care about you...but most importantly, you've done damage to yourself. Are you proud of that?" 

Mr. Ross sighed. "You're right, Brendon...you're right. I never realized how much damage I've done...I was so caught up in the drinking that I didn’t see how it was affecting the people around me." He looked over at Ryan and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Ro...I'm so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry like this...I know you already go through enough shit. I love you, son. Don’t ever forget that. I'm gonna try to get some help for this, okay?" 

Ryan replied quietly, "Dad...if you're serious about getting help for your drinking, don’t say that you'll try. There’s no 'try' when it comes to things like this...it’s either you go get it or you don’t. With your situation right now, it would be a death sentence if you didn’t get help." He wiped away the last of his tears and got up to put on some of his black eyeliner.

"I'll do whatever it takes, Ro. I love you, son...you're such a great kid." His dad left it at that and left. I saw that Ryan just put on that eyeliner so effortlessly. I'm jealous...he even put on some black eyeshadow to make it look thick.

"You look so cute, Roo. I'll lead you out the door and call Brent to tell him to come over here," I said. He got his black jacket on and gathered his things. I picked up his guitar for him as he slid his notebook in his backpack, giving him a kiss on his cheek. "You feeling better now that your ray of sunshine is here, my luminous moonlight?"

He nodded. "I'm feeling much better, now that you're here." Ryan gave me a kiss on my cheek in return. "Thank you so much for coming over...if you didn’t, I'd probably be in the hospital right now." 

I said, "Roo, it's no problem at all. Whenever you need me, I'll be here...that hasn't changed, ever since we met. Even when we were friends, I'd always be there for you when you were blue...and you, the same thing." I walked with him downstairs to the front door. I said to his mom, "Danielle, I'm taking Ryan right now." Ryan went to go kiss her on the cheek.

"You boys have a great day at school," she said. She gave Ryan a kiss on both of his cheeks and on his forehead. "I love you, my sweet baby boy." 

Ryan smiled. "I love you too, Mama." We went outside to wait for Brent and Spencer to come over to pick us up. He snuggled into my chest, being careful not to smudge his makeup as he started to purr. I placed my free hand on his curvy hips as I gave him a gentle kiss. I could taste the strawberry lip gloss and balm on his lips, just tempting me to get in those shorts that just hug his curves. I know he's not quite ready yet, but he’ll be ready eventually. I let my hand trail down to lightly squeeze his voluptuous ass. I heard him squeak loudly. “B-Brendon…! Not here! You can grab it later, I promise.”

I asked, “Does it look like I give a shit about who sees, Ryan?”

“I-I don’t know...maybe your parents? Aren’t they like super religious or something?” 

I replied, “Well, they’re Mormon, but they’re pretty open-minded. I mean, they’re fine with me being bi.”

Ryan said, “That’s good, I guess...the only people who are fine with me being gay are my mom, my cousins, you, Spencer, Brent, and my girlfriends Kaila, Nicole and Grace.” Before we knew it, Brent and Spencer came driving up in front of Ryan’s house. It looked like they were just as worried about Ryan as I was earlier...especially Brent. Spencer rolled down the window so we could talk to them. Ryan said, “Hi there, guys.” Spencer looked at him with his eyes wide and his jaw dropped. “What’s up?”

Spencer asked, “Ryan...did you just go...goth on us?” 

“No. I just wanted to put on more makeup than I normally wear. It’s not that I’m going goth on you guys...Kaila’s the only one who’s goth,” Ryan replied. He added, “I mean, she puts on some thick layers of black eyeliner and eyeshadow.” He opened the door to the big SUV, crawled in and sat behind Brent before I got in and put Ryan’s guitar in between us. He asked Brent, “So...what do you think of my new look?” 

Brent giggled. “Ry, I’m gonna have to start calling you ‘Rycoon’ from now on because you kinda look like a raccoon.”

I added, “A cute raccoon!” Ryan flipped off Brent and Spencer jokingly, his hand in the reflection of the mirror. 

“Aaaawww, how cute!” Brent said with a laugh.

Spencer added smoothly, “Such an obscene gesture from a pristine boy.”

Ryan laughed. “Fuck you.”

“I love you too,” Spencer said. We were on our way to school, and as usual, we’re the first few here. I saw that Brent got out first to open the doors for everyone. When he got to Ryan, he stepped out of his huge SUV with his stuff and Brent just checked him out. I knew that he was thinking about slapping Ryan’s ass. He was about to, but Spencer stopped him from doing so. “Brent...don’t even think about it.” He didn’t listen to him and he just proceeded to slap Ryan’s ass, making him squeal.

I growled angrily. “What the fuck were you thinking, Brent!? Ryan’s not fucking eye candy for you!”

Brent chided, “It’s not my fault that Ryan has a rockin’ body on him. I mean, damn...those hips and that ass.” I blushed at his comment about my boyfriend’s body. He added, “We’re not the only ones who check him out...I mean, some of the girls I know wish they had a body like his.”

Ryan said, “I’m very flattered that you think I have a nice body, but slapping my ass wasn’t necessary.” He added, “I know it’s round and voluptuous, but jeez.”

“Sorry, Ry. I won’t do it again, I promise. I was joking around,” Brent said to him apologetically.

“That’s okay, Brent...you’re my friend, so I don’t really care. If you were a complete stranger, that’s a whole different story,” he replied. Ryan grabbed his guitar and threw his backpack over his shoulder. “Besides...you guys wanna work on the songs before school starts? Mr. Slavic’s in his room. He doesn’t care if we use it.” Mr. Slavic is our band teacher, or should I say one of the coolest teachers ever. He’s always been cool with us using his classroom to work on our songs for the performance coming up. When we got to his room, he was sitting in his office drinking his coffee, slicking his thick red hair back with his fingers. Ryan went in to say to him, “Hey, Mr. Slavic!” Our teacher’s not that much older than us, so he understands all the teenager bullshit that goes on. He looked at Ryan and noticed all the makeup he put on...he replied, puzzled:

“Hello, Ryan...I see you put on a little more makeup than usual...is everything going okay at home?” Ryan was about to answer, but I decided to answer for him.

I said to him, “No. His dad was being an ass earlier. He tried to hit Ryan because he finally had the courage to stand up for himself.”

Mr. Slavic nodded. “Thank you for telling me, Brendon, but I would like Ryan to tell me.” He took Ryan’s hands and held them in his. “I know that this is hard to talk about, but I would like for you to tell me what happened...through your eyes, Ryan.” Ryan took a deep breath and let out a sigh before telling him what happened.

Ryan explained, “Well, first I woke up...nothing too exciting. Got ready for school...made coffee for myself and my mom. I had some breakfast and was talking to my mom until my dad got up. She told me that he came home at around two in the morning...a little earlier than usual. My dad was tolerable for a little while, but when I was just eating breakfast, he thought that I became a mute because I only just said three words to him.” Mr. Slavic nodded as if to say he understood. He continued, “My dad was just finding new ways to insult me...and I finally had the courage to stand up to him. He raised his fist like he was ready to start swinging at me...my mom didn’t want me to get hurt. I took another bottle of his whiskey and smashed it, trying to prove to him that my mom and I are more important than a bottle of Jack.” I noticed that he was about to cry again, but he kept the tears back because he didn’t want to go to class with black streaks down his face. “I cleaned up the mess, walked out of the kitchen, ran upstairs to my room and locked my door, crying harder than I did a few days ago. I called Brendon to try to talk to him...I heard my dad yelling at my mom...and I had a full-blown panic attack while I was talking to Brendon. I couldn’t even breathe. Plus I was sobbing, so that made it worse. When Brendon hung up, I was just crying for my mom because she knows what to do when I have panic attacks. My dad came back up to yell at me for smashing the bottle, then he went back down to the attic to drink probably. When Brendon came over, my dad came stumbling back up, already drunk off his ass.”

“Ryan...I'm so sorry that happened. I saw some bruises on you the other day and I had no choice but to report it to the authorities. I knew something was going on...your father’s going to have to go into rehab if he wants a better relationship with you," he replied.

He said, “Thank you, Mr. Slavic...at least you have the heart to do something for a sorry excuse for a student like me.” Brent and Spencer gasped. 

“Ryro! You are not a sorry excuse for a student! You’re a damn genius. Why do you keep bringin’ yourself down like that?” Brent asked. 

Spencer added, “Yeah, Ry! You’re an amazing person. People love you, man!” He came over to give Ryan a good pat on the back. “Trust us...you’re definitely loved. Brent already told you this yesterday, and I don’t need to go over that again.”

Ryan sighed. “I can’t do anything right...I end up fucking everything up...the only thing I don’t fuck up at is music…” I pushed him up against the wall. I said calmly:

“Ryan Ross...you have a pretty shitty self-esteem. I know it’s not your fault, but it really is pretty damn shitty. Pretty much all of us have a pretty low self-esteem, but do you think we let it define us? No! We don’t, and you shouldn’t let your self-esteem define who you are. You’re better than that, Ryan, and you know it! Look at all you have going for you...you’re in honors classes, you’re in honor band and choir, you’ve got more talent in your hands than most people do in their whole bodies, you’ve got people who give a fuck about you, and people say nothing but good things about you! Why the fuck do you keep saying that you’re a sorry excuse for a student...for a friend...for a peer...for a boyfriend, for Christ’s sake? You are an amazing guy...I wouldn’t be able to find someone like you ever again! Spencer wouldn’t be able to live with himself...Brent wouldn’t be able to live with himself either. We fucking love you, Ryan...Mr. Slavic talks about you all the time...about how great you are. Stop thinking you’re not worth anyone’s time because that’s not true! You are worth someone’s time, and you are a beautiful individual.” I saw him gulp to hold back the tears. I continued, “Look at yourself...you’re fucking drop dead gorgeous. You’ve got a very unique voice that goes great with mine like peas and carrots, you’re very talented, and don’t you want to prove to your dad that music’s not a fucking joke?”

Ryan replied, “I-I do, but I don’t…” Spencer cut him off. 

“Yes, you do, Ryan. You want to prove to that son of a bitch that what we love isn’t a joke! Say it! Fucking say it, Ryan! Don’t hold back.”

Ryan took a deep breath in and said, “I sure as hell want to prove to him that music isn’t a joke. If he’s got anything else to say about it, he can go kiss my ass. I've been pushed around by him for too long. I’m not gonna let him do that anymore, from now on. I demand the love, respect, and the support out of that drunken son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do. We’re gonna kick ass in a couple weeks, and I don’t want to throw it away because of him!” He added with a smile, “Was that what you guys wanted to hear out of me?”

I nodded. “Definitely, babe. I've been waiting for you to say that with that much confidence. I haven't heard you speak like that since freshman year...you’re so damn brave, Ryan.” 

Mr. Slavic said, “Well then...I never thought I'd hear that out of you.” He came over to give him a hug. It must make him feel good, knowing that there are people besides his mom, us and his friends who care about him. He added, “I'll let you guys work on the songs for the performance coming up...I know you’re all gonna knock 'em dead.” We walked out of his office to get our instruments out and tuned them accordingly. Brent came over to Ryan to give him a hug. This early morning has been kinda bittersweet...and I sure hope that when the day comes around, Ryan won't choke up because he sees his dad out in the audience. I hope none of us choke up...if any of us do, we're fucked. We worked on the songs until the first bell rang for class. I've got English...god, I hate my teacher. He’s such a bigot, and it reminds me of Ryan’s dad. Well, I survived yet another class with him. Brent and I have our science class together, which is oceanography. At least we get to sit next to each other. 

Brent whispered, “Yo! Brendon!”

“Yeah?” I asked, just as quietly.

Ms. Stacey called on the sluttiest girl in our class. She asked, “Ari...could you please tell us about what the aftermath of the oil spill was?” That girl just giggled and pushed her boobs together tighter.

Ari said, “Well, everything got all wet and dirty, Ms. Stacey. Those poor animals.” Brent cut her off and interrupted her. He cleared his throat before saying: 

“Nobody wants to hear about last night, Ari. I can smell it all the way from here. Hope your boy toy this week likes the smell of rotting fish.”

I gasped. “Brent! What’s wrong with you!?”

Brent chided, “It’s true, and you know it.”

Nicole got up and started hollering. “Oooooooooohhhhhh! You tell her, Brent! She needs to know the truth!” The whole class roared with shock. Ari gasped. Nicole came over to us and gave Brent a high-five. “She’s a bitch anyway. I was about to say something, but how you said it was funny as hell. So thank you.”

Brent replied, “No problem. I had to say something about it. Been bitin' my tongue the whole quarter.”

“I knew something was a little off...did your last class dissect shark, Ms. Stacey? It smells fishy in here.” Brent rolled his eyes as the most quiet girl in the class walked over to her. She’s the emo girl with the blue hair who sits in the back with our friend Patrick. She came over to Ari, who flipped her light brown hair in annoyance. “What do you want, Grace? Go back over to your boyfriend with the glasses and the fedora...the chubby one. Get away from me.” She rolled her makeup-caked eyes in disgust. “I don’t need your emo near me.” Aimee, one of my best friends, heard the whole thing and she was not happy, I’ll tell you that. 

Aimee retorted, “Ari, be nice to her! Plus, Patrick’s not her boyfriend! They’re just really good friends and nothing more. At least she’s not out fucking every single guy in the school like you.” 

I said lowly, “Aimee...don’t get involved. It’s not worth it.”

“Seriously, Brendon? Ari needs to be put in her place, and you know it.” Aimee flipped her long curled hair out of her face. “Besides, she’s been pulling this shit for too long.”

I sighed and bit my lip. “That’s true, I guess...but if Ryan was in here, he’d be even meaner about it. Like, he’s the ultimate Mean Girl when you bring that out.”

Ari scoffed. “Really? Why don’t you guys just leave me alone? Same goes for you, Church Fag.” Oh yeah...that’s the name she likes to call me. “Oh yeah, how’s your femboy boyfriend Ryan? Is he gonna break down and cry in creative writing again?”

I screamed, “Shut the fuck up about my boyfriend, you little bitch! You’re lucky I’m a man because if I was a woman, I’d be beating the living shit out of you right now! Don’t you ever talk about him like that again!” I tried to calm down a little. “Ryan gets beaten by his own father, but you don’t even care! You care about nobody but yourself.”

Ms. Stacey gasped. “Brendon, that wasn’t necessary.” She pulled me aside to speak with me alone. She asked me delicately, “What’s the matter, Brendon? You don’t usually speak like that. Can you tell me what’s going on?”

I sighed. “It’s about Ryan...this morning he called me sobbing his eyes out, then I heard him having a full-blown panic attack while I was still on the phone with him. It was his dad again and I am very sensitive when it comes to Ryan.”

She said calmly, “I understand completely, Brendon, but how you came across to Ari was not necessary. I know she’s...well...inconsiderate at times, but she didn’t mean it.”

“I don’t care if it wasn’t necessary, Ms. Stacey! I’m sorry, but I’m going to stand up for Ryan at all costs. Not a single one of you is going to stop me from doing so,” I said coldly. I started crying just thinking about him. “Ryan’s my best friend and my boyfriend, Ms. Stacey! He doesn’t deserve people speaking of him badly like Ari did!” I breathed a sob. “It upsets me so much that I can’t help it but cry and I can’t stand not being able to just take him away from all that and not be able to really do anything about it!” 

She came down to my level and wiped away my tears. “Brendon...I know things are tough for you right now, but everything is going to be okay. Ryan is a strong young man and you know it. He may not look like it, but he is.” She gave me a hug. “I promise, he’ll be okay...you’ll be okay.” I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. Ms. Stacey whispered, “Go ahead and cool off, Brendon. You can come back inside when you’re all calmed down.”

I replied, my voice cracking, “Thank you...you’re so kind.” I went over to the bathroom to calm down and just recollect my thoughts. I thought, She’s right. Ryan will be okay...at least, I hope so. He’s so delicate...fragile...I have to protect him. I just have to. He can’t keep living like that. I broke down in loud sobs as I dropped down to the tile floor. I kept on saying Ryan’s name over and over again, which made me cry harder. With my vision blurry, I looked down and saw my tears crashing onto the floor.

*Brent’s POV*

When Ms. Stacey came back into the room, Grace turned into one of the Mean Girls. “Ari, first of all, the last class has not dissected yet, and ditto for us. That’s for next week. Plus, it’s you, so if it would so help you, close your legs. You’ll burn off the spider legs on your face...then you won't have anything to cover up with the ink you carry around.”

Nicole chimed in. "You tell her!" Patrick looked at her and gasped. I guess he's never heard her talk like that.

Ari replied, “Actually, they’re my eyelashes.” Grace asked with all that Mean Girl sass:

“Oh, they’re your eyelashes? I’m terribly sorry. They look like spider legs because you cake on the mascara, and you need to chill. Jesus fucking Christ.”

Ms. Stacey said, “I think that’s about enough. Please pay attention...Brent Wilson.” 

“But Ms. Stacey! Ari's slut fungus is making me want to puke. If I’m in here for another minute, there'll be another mess in here,” I insisted. I got up and ran out of the classroom, about to fucking puke. I made it to the trash can, thank god. When I was finished I washed my mouth out with cold water. I looked behind me to see Brendon curled up on the floor sobbing. I got down on my knees next to him and asked, “Bden, what’s wrong?” He couldn’t even answer me, he was crying so hard. I asked again, “What the fuck happened in there, Brendon? You just screamed at Ari and ran off! Why the waterworks?”

He replied with sobs breaking his speech every few words or so, “I’m worried about Ryan, Brent! I don’t want him to end up dying! I don’t want him to fucking kill himself because of his dad!”

I replied gently, “Brendon...he’s not gonna do that to you. You know him better than that.” I carefully picked him up and held him in my arms. “Just let it out. It’s okay.”

 

*Brendon’s POV*

After my whole sob-fest, we both went back into the classroom. I said to the teacher, “I’m so sorry for my friend...he gets like this sometimes. Please don't give him detention, Ms. Stacey.”

Ms. Stacey sighed. “Brendon...I won't give him detention. That actually was pretty funny...but targeting Ari wasn’t necessary.” She tied her dirty blonde hair into a bun. “I need to speak with you after class, Brendon.” My stomach just dropped and the color in my face drained in panic. She added, “Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble. I just need to ask you about a student of mine. That’s all.” She went on with the lesson with the plan for next week, giving us the whole lecture about safety and whatnot. Brent came back in and sat down next to me, copying the notes off the board. The bell rang for lunch and Brent decided to stay with me. Ms. Stacey asked me, “So...do you know what I kept you in for?”

I said, “Not really, but I have a feeling it’s about Ryan.”

“Right...you two know him pretty well, don’t you?” We nodded. “Ryan was in here the other day, finishing up a project. Out of nowhere, he started crying...and it scared me a little. I asked him what was wrong and he automatically just opened up to me about his home life...I had to take action because I noticed that he was covered in bruises and he had marks on his neck.” She sighed. “I was wondering if either one of you was abused too.” I shook my head, but Brent kind of gave her the sign that he was. Ms. Stacey looked at Brent with concern. “Brent...how come you don’t tell anyone about that?”

Brent sighed. “It’s because I don’t want to get the law involved...if I get my stepdad arrested, he’s gonna beat me even more when he gets out. I’ve pretty much already moved out of there...I’m living with my dad because at least he gives a fuck about me.”

I added, “Yeah...seems like we’re all worried about him.”

Ms. Stacey replied, “I just don’t want Ryan to end up in the hospital or worse...dead. I know you two and Spencer are very good friends of his. Nicole told me a little bit about this too and it’s just been on my mind for the past few days.” She finally let us go for lunch...actually, I’m not even hungry today. Too fucking stressed out to eat. Too fucking worried about Ryan...Ryan...Ryan’s with Spencer...he should be okay right now.

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

Waiting for Brent and Brendon to get here is pretty damn tiring...I hope it’s nothing bad. I tried to keep myself distracted with the notebook I took with me, but just thinking about today wasn’t helping me. I can’t even pick up the pencil to write, I’m so stressed. Spencer was twirling his drumsticks and headbanging for some reason. My friend Kaila decided to join us and try to keep me company because she knows how stressed out I am. Spencer noticed that I was still trying to figure out what to write and he got super concerned. 

“Ry, what’s wrong? You don’t feel like writing?” he asked. I sighed and shook my head, hiding my face with my long and dark hair. Spencer continued, “You don’t have to write right now if you don’t want to.”

I sighed. “Spence...I’ve just been thinking about today, and…” Kaila gave me a comforting hug. I said to her, “K, not now. I’m glad you want to help, but I don’t need it right now.” I continued, “Am I too emotional and depressing, Spencer?” Spencer took a moment to think about what to say, and my friend was too shocked to even think. I asked again, “Am I too emotional and depressing? What do you think, Spencer?”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Ry? I don’t think you’re too emotional and depressing. Who told you that? Whoever said that to you is going to get their ass beat...by me. Where did this come from?” Spencer asked.

I said quietly, “I just feel like I've been a burden on you guys with all my problems...like I’m bringing you down all the time. I don’t want to think like that, but I can't help it.” Kaila gave me a hug and comforted me without even having me tell her. I took a swig of my Gatorade to keep myself from crying and having my makeup run down my face. 

“You have never been a burden on me, RyRoo,” Kaila said to me. “Besides, you know they understand. It’s not like nobody else can relate to you.” 

“Yeah, what she said. Listen to her, Ryan,” Spencer said. I gathered my things to try to go find Brendon and Brent...and also try not to start crying. He got up with me, K following him. “Ry! What the fuck, man?! You’re just gonna ditch us like this?”

I said coldly, “I need some time alone. If I don’t, I will scream and you don’t want to see me like that.” I turned to K. “Panda, please go with Nicki and Bug. I’ll call you if anything else is going on.” She nodded and left to go find the others. To my surprise, Brendon and Brent were just on the stairs with her, trying to ask her about what’s going on. I didn’t hear her say much, but sure enough, they were all following me. I walked briskly into the bathroom, thankful that nobody is in here, locked myself in a stall, threw my stuff down, got down on my knees and threw up in the toilet. I didn’t even eat much today because I’m too stressed out to eat...but it was mostly liquid. My throat was burning and my mouth tasted acidic. I was heaving up everything and anything that was in my system until I was in dry heaves. I started sobbing out of nowhere, and I’m glad my makeup is waterproof. I choked out, “Help me...please...help me! Why does it have to be me? What did I do to deserve this?!?” I heard Spencer saying:

“Ryan, quit it with the dramatics! Get the fuck out of the stall and talk to me right now!”

I screamed back, “Leave me alone, Spencer!” I sobbed at my loudest and hardest, almost wailing. “I want to end my suffering, Spencer...if I keep living like this, I’m gonna fucking blow my brains out! I’m not kidding!”

Spencer shouted, “Don’t you fucking dare say that ever again, Ryan! You’ve got friends who care about you! We’re all doing the thing we love, and you wanna just throw all of that away just because of your own problems?!” I heard him start crying, which is very rare to hear. “If you kill yourself, do you realize what that’ll do to people? Brent won’t be able to play bass anymore. I won’t be able to fucking live with myself, knowing you’re gone! Brendon would kill himself too, just to hold you in his arms...don’t do it, Ryan, please! Too many people care about you!” I’m thinking of a plan...tonight. I can’t stand living like this day in and day out. I know the show is in a couple weeks, but my dad won’t even give two shits if I got up there and performed for him or not. I don’t want to lose my dad…or anyone. Spencer added, “What happened to you, Ryro? What happened to the guy who’s sweet as sugar cane...? The guy who’ll come over to go shoot marshmallows at little brats on Halloween with his friends...the guy who's more than happy to eat raw cookie dough with me while we watch movies...the guy who's addicted to wild berry Pop Tarts and orange Gatorade and thinks it’s the best thing since Nutella and ice cream?”

“Spencer, please...I'm sorry for making you cry!” I said, my voice cracking.

He begged me through the stall door, crying harder. “Ryan...I just want to see you happy. Those eyes of honey to light up! I don’t only dislike seeing them darken, I hate it...I hate it when I see you cry, Ryan.” I thought about what he said, which sounds like it's from a song or something. I got out of the stall and gave Spencer a big hug. He gave me a watery smile. “Thanks, RoRo. You’re a good friend.”


	3. "Why do you love me?"

*Spencer’s POV*

 

This day has been a fucking roller coaster, I swear. I went to my last class for the day alone, my eyes all puffy and red from crying so hard, my nose the color of Christmas, and my shirt soaked in tears. I have English today...well, creative writing, to be more specific and that’s the only class I get to see Brendon and Ryan besides band. Brent has a different class right now, which is history. I slumped in my seat, not saying a word to anyone...not even to Brendon, who looks just as upset as I am right now. Our teacher’s name is Miss Ivy and she’s super pretty. She looks almost like the comic book character Poison Ivy. She noticed I didn’t say anything to her, so she came over to ask me, “Hey there, Spence. What’s the matter?” 

I sniffled. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now, Miss Ivy. I’m too upset right now to really say...if I do, I’ll start crying again.” 

She sat down next to me. “What happened? You and Brendon both look really upset. Do you want to talk to me outside?” I nodded. “Okay.” We went out of the classroom to talk in the lounge. It’s kinda funny, I’ve never been in the lounge before with no teachers in here besides her. She brought a bright cherry red curl behind her ear and covered it, asking me, “What’s going on, Spencer? You can talk to me. I won’t bite, I promise.”

I sighed. “My friend Ryan’s been acting weird...he keeps bringing himself down and stuff. He keeps saying that he’s a sorry excuse for a student, a depressing friend, a wet blanket on our group, and a sorry excuse for a son because his dad is an asshole to him.” I felt the tears pouring out again as I continued, “I found him in the bathroom...in a stall...and he was all crying out for help. I wanted him to come out of the stall to talk to me, but he just screamed at me and just started sobbing so hard it sounded like wailing almost. Ryan started to talk about killing himself...gave him the whole 'don’t do it; too many people care about you' speech.”

Miss Ivy replied, “Oh...is he still in the stall right now?”

“Hope he's not. I don’t want him to do something stupid in there,” I answered quietly. I looked away from her, trying to pull myself together, but I can't right now because the thought of my best friend's blood spilling out of his body and his brains splattered on the wall is making it worse. I asked her, “I-Is it okay if I go check on him, M-Miss Ivy?” 

She nodded. “Of course. You’re more than welcome to.” I got up and walked out of the lounge to go find Ryan and check up on him. I got into the bathroom where I found him at lunch. I decided to go take a leak in here beforehand...you know, did that whole routine and washed my hands. I knelt down and saw a guitar, a black jacket, and a backpack. I know this is Ryan still. I knocked politely on the door. He said gently:

“I’m using the loo right now, Spencer.”

I blushed at his comment and asked, “But do you really have to sit down to take a piss, Ryro? You can just stand up like a normal guy, you know...but I don’t judge.” I found a way to unlock the stall door and he automatically threw his hands down in front of him to try covering himself up, since his shorts and underwear were down at his knees still.

Ryan blushed wildly. “Sp-Spencer! Are you just gonna watch me pee? I-I don’t even have my underwear back on! Wh-What's wrong with you!?” 

I replied, “Ryan, it was an accident, okay? There’s nobody else in here except for you and me.” I closed the door and noticed that I got inside with Ryan. I whispered in his ear, “Plus if I was into watching you pee, I'd already be in here waiting for you to pee.” I turned around and covered my eyes. “I’m not even looking, Ryan. You can get your pants back on and stuff...I’m not gonna watch.” He got his pants back on and flushed the toilet, then tucked his white shirt back in. I opened the door for him and let him go wash his hands and all that good stuff. I sheepishly said, “Sorry ‘bout walkin’ in on you, Ryro...I seriously didn’t mean to.”

“Spencer, it’s fine. We’ve known each other since we were little tikes,” he replied. “Besides, that’s not the first time someone walked in on me like that.”

I nodded. “Okay...I just didn’t mean to freak you out or anything.” I brushed some of his long hair out of his face. “You doing okay now, Ry?” He kinda gave me the ‘meh’ sign with his hands and bobbed his head side to side a bit. I asked him, “What’s up?”

He sighed. “Spence...I’m sorry for lashing out at you earlier...and for making you cry...and for making you go to Miss Ivy’s alone.”

“Ryan, you didn’t make me cry, first off. I cried because I care about you so much that if something bad were to happen to you, it’d kill me,” I said gently. I looked into his eyes of honey. “I really hope you don’t blow your brains out...or try to kill yourself. Too many people care about you...and do you want to have your parents find their only son’s blood and brains splattered all over the wall and his body on the floor?”

Ryan shrugged. “I guess not.” Oh my god, his fucking self-esteem is starting to piss me off. I took him with me back to Miss Ivy’s class, trying not to get mad. Everyone looked at Ryan like they were genuinely worried about him like Brendon, Brent and I are. He went over to Miss Ivy’s desk. She glanced over at him and changed his absence to an “excused tardy” because she understood why he didn’t come to class on time. She asked:

“Ryan...how are you doing, sweetie? You feeling better?”

“A little,” he replied quietly. Ryan went over to sit by Brendon, who wrapped his arm around him and let him rest his head on his shoulder. He asked Brendon, “You okay, hun?” 

Brendon nodded. “Yeah, babe. I’m fine...now that you’re finally here.” 

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

I just want to get through today. This day has been nothing but just horrific. Oh yeah, I started out the day all fine and then I ended up crying...then having a full-blown panic attack while I was talking to Brendon. Then the only good part of today was when we got to the school and practiced our songs...and I don’t even want to talk about first period. I decided to go over to Ari and her group of slut friends to give them a piece of my mind. I started out all sweet first. I said, “Oh, hey there, Ari! How are you doing, sweetie?”

Ari replied, “I’m okay...we were worried about you. Hope you’re okay.” Oh yeah, I've been around enough girls to know how much they manipulate guys to get what they want. I switched my sweet and innocent card for my bitchy Mean Girl card. The blonde girl who was sitting by Ari asked: 

“What’s the matter, Ryan?”

The brunette by the blonde added, “We understand if you need some time alone sometimes.” 

I flipped my long hair out of my face and scoffed. “I know you girls weren't really worried about me. You’re just acting like it so you don’t lose your reputation. Yeah...I know how you work...especially you, Ari.”

Ari gasped. “Wh-What are you talking about? I was totally worried about you! Why wouldn’t I be?” 

I smirked. “Sure you were, Ari.” I got close to them. “You know what my mama told me about dirty girls? That you can always smell it on girls who sell it.” I laughed and added with some sass, “I smell it on you, sweetie, and let me tell you, it doesn't smell like roses. Your friends are virgins, are they not?”

“I’m a virgin, don’t worry, Ryan,” the brunette said.

I replied, “Well, Bella, that’s great. You cherish that for as long as you can. Now...back to Ari...if it would so help you, keep your legs closed. You’re not a fucking door.” I added, “Plus, to be honest with you, it smells like a net full of dead fish that’s been out for a few weeks. Doesn’t smell very nice...guys don’t like that.” 

Ari's mouth went wide. “Ryan...I-I...I don’t know what happened to you! I thought we were friends!”

I got up in her face and hissed, “First of all, we are not friends. I only tolerate you because of Ms. Stacey and Miss Ivy. And you’re a fucking annoying slutty bitch.” Brendon and Spencer came over to try to stop me from doing something stupid. I heard Brendon say: 

“Ryan, enough! Stop acting like this! Cool it!” 

Ari scoffed. “Aaaawww, look! It’s Church Fag and his little drummer boy!” I started growling and I raised my fist as if I was about to start swinging at her. She asked, “What’re you gonna do about it, Femboy? Are you gonna cry like you did last week?” 

“Shut the fuck up, Ariana. You don’t know what my life is like at home, so don’t even start,” I replied in a tone that I rarely speak to people in. I gave her an innocent smile as I raised my fists. Brendon and Spencer were trying to hold me back, but I told Brendon, “Hun, I got this. She’s been acting like this for too long and you both know it.” I asked Ari, “Now, Ariana, give me a real good reason why I shouldn’t beat your little plastic fake ass up and down this place, hoe.” 

Spencer grabbed me and pulled me away from her. “Ryan, no! Don’t you fucking do that! She’s not worth it, man.” He loosened his grip and took me back to our table. “Come on, let’s go back to our table and we won’t have to deal with her or her little chinchilla friends.” 

 

~ That night! ~ 

 

 

I walked into my house, slammed the door behind me, and I stomped upstairs to my room. I slammed the door to my room and locked it before putting my stuff down and going into the bathroom to take off my makeup. After I was done, I just curled up on my bed and felt tears filling in my eyes. Like I haven’t been crying enough today. My mom and dad aren’t home yet, so I basically have the house to myself until they get home. This is just perfect right now. I finally get some time to myself. Just what I fucking needed. When I lifted my head up, I saw that Spencer was trying to get a hold of me. I looked at the messages he sent me. They read:

6:45 p.m. Hey, Ryan. I hope you’re okay...I’m sorry about what happened today during Ivy’s. That was fucked up. I’ll make sure that she knows about Ari and her bullshit. Anyways...we have practice today at Brent’s house tomorrow after school. Do you want me to come get you or do you need a break from it tomorrow?

6:50 p.m. Ryro, what the fuck happened during practice today? You just started bawling your eyes out for NO REASON. You want me to come over so we can talk about it? Because I will come over and talk to you.

7:00 p.m. You know what? That’s IT! I’m coming over there right now. I’ll be over there in ten minutes. See you soon.

 

I heard my phone ringing and sure enough, it was Spencer calling me. I answered it. “Hello?” 

“Hey, Ryro...it’s Spence. Umm...I’m at your front door right now, but it’s locked. Can you let me in?” Spencer asked. I replied:

“Hey, Spence...yeah, I’ll let you in. Just give me a second. I’ll be quick, I promise.”

Spencer chuckled. “Alrighty then. I’ll wait out here for ya.” I quickly changed into some baggy shorts that I could’ve sworn were so short that my ass would be hanging out...but I didn’t really care. I changed into an old shirt with either a Nirvana or Blink-182 logo on it...it’s so old, I can’t really tell. I went downstairs to open the door for Spencer, who said, “Hey there, Ryan!” He got distracted by what I was wearing and he was looking me up and down. He whistled. “Ry, can those shorts go up any higher? Jesus...they’re almost up to your ass, they’re so short.”

I flipped my long bangs out of my face. “Shut the fuck up. It’s my house, so I can wear whatever I want. At least I have an ass, fucker.” I added, “Get your ass in here, Spence.” I let him in and closed the door behind him, locking it. He playfully slapped my ass and I squealed. “Spencer! What the hell, man?” 

He smirked. “Brent was right...but it’s all in good fun.” Spencer came up with me to my room and sat down on my bed. He sighed. “Look, Ry...the reason why I came over is because I want to talk to you about some stuff. Mind closing the door so nobody can hear us before you sit down?” I looked at him confused, but closed the door anyway so we could talk. I sat down next to him, slightly afraid of what he's about to say. Spencer asked me, “You do know why I'm here talking to you right now, right?”

I replied, “Well...not really, but I have a feeling it’s about what happened today. I'm so sorry that I was acting like that, and I don’t want that to ruin our friendship.”

Spencer said defensively, “Hey, whoawhoawhoawhoa, hold up, Ry! You’re not gonna ruin our friendship, or Brent’s friendship, or your relationship with Brendon. That’s not even why I'm here! Leave them out of this right now because they have nothing to do with it.” He combed his bangs out of his face. “Look, Ryan, this is me trying to be real with you. I've known you since we were little tikes, and you know how I am with you. I'm not gonna fuckin' sugarcoat anything I tell you because you’re man enough to take what I say to you in the right way. It’s not that easy for me to talk about things like this...I just need you to understand that.”

I nodded. “I understand what you’re saying completely.” I added, “Go on, Spence. Tell me what you wanted to tell me.”

Spencer sighed and took my hands into his and held them. “You know, Ryan...ever since lunch today, I've been worrying about you a lot more than I usually do, and it's been eating at me since then.” He continued, “What’s really triggering that is when you said that if you keep living like the way you have been, then you’re gonna blow your fucking brains out. Do you know how much that fuckin’ scared me just hearing that come out of your mouth?”

I replied quietly, “I know, Spencer, and I’m sorry...I just feel like that sometimes. There’s only so much that I can take until I start saying things like that.” Spencer comforted me while looking like he was about to start crying again. I sighed softly. “And you know why I said that earlier...you know that for a fact.” He lifted my chin up and looked me dead in my honey-colored eyes, his blue eyes piercing mine like daggers. He said in a low, firm voice:

“Ryan Ross, listen to me, and you better listen to me real good. You’re smart enough to listen to what I’m going to tell you, and I’m not gonna tell you again, so listen up, buddy. You may have an alcoholic deadbeat for a father and the only parent who gives a fuck about you is your mother, but trust me, Ry...it does get better. Your dad promised you that he’d get help for his alcoholism, did he not?” 

“Yeah, he did...he promised me...I hope he keeps his promise to me,” I said.

Spencer continued, “Okay. He fuckin’ promised you that, and you know that he doesn’t break promises. Now...back to you. I’ve noticed your self-esteem just drop so low that I don’t think I even know you sometimes...I’ve noticed this since second semester in seventh grade when you came out to your parents. Remember how your mom was the only person who supported you and it took your dad a little while for it to sink in?” I nodded. “Well, that’s not really relevant right now...what’s relevant right now is my concern for you.” He sighed. “Why exactly do you want to die so badly, Ryan?” 

Oh my god...I knew he was going to ask me that. I know I have to be truthful with him about this or else he’ll drag me to my counselor’s office tomorrow. I said to him, “It’s because I can’t do anything right...I always fuck up everything I do. I’m not the son my dad wants me to be. Whatever I do, I just end up pulling everyone into the same rut with me that I can’t even get out of...I just explode at random points for just no reason whatsoever and…!” I got so frustrated and flustered that I started crying. “I get these fucking bruises all over my body...and I end up like this all the time, especially when my dad’s drunk! That’s why Ms. Stacey and Mr. Slavic decided to finally say something about it to the authorities!” The tears started to flow down my face faster as I began to sob. “I-I can’t take it anymore, Spencer! That’s why I want to fucking blow my brains out sometimes! There!” I furiously tried to wipe away my tears and got up. “Happy!?” 

“Ryan, you need to calm the fuck down. I’m just trying to talk to you here,” he said as he stood up next to me. Spencer pulled me into a hug and wiped away my tears. “Please, Ryan...I don’t want you to kill yourself. Nobody wants you to. Do you know how much that would fuck people up?” I nodded. I noticed he was already in tears like I am. “Ryan...listen to me. If you killed yourself, you won’t just be hurting your parents and your family; you’ll be hurting everyone who loves and cares about you. Brent would be so torn up that he wouldn’t be able to play bass anymore and he’d fucking quit the band! Your girlfriends would be devastated! I wouldn’t be able to fucking live with myself, knowing that my best friend is gone and I will never get him back! All of those teachers we have...they’d quit their jobs because they’d think that they were too hard on you. Those assholes and bitches in our classes...they’d be blaming themselves for it. But you know who’d take the blow the hardest out of everyone, even your family! That’s Brendon! He wouldn’t be able to move on from you...he’d fall so fucking deep into depression that he’d even kill himself just to hold you in his arms!” He started sobbing with me, which is rare to hear and see out of him. “You’ve got so much going for you, Ryan, and you don’t seem to realize it! I mean, you’re in honors classes, you’ve got a lot of talent, your voice just fits in with Brendon’s like peanut butter and jelly, people always want to see you playing that guitar and hear that voice! Most of all...besides all of that, you are the light of our lives. Not just in mine, but in Brent’s and Brendon’s! Whenever you’re not there, we’re all in a fucking shitty mood and you make it all better...just please...don’t fucking commit suicide, Ryan Ross.”

I said in a quiet and sappy voice, “I don’t appreciate people using me for shit...or just using me for their entertainment. I don’t like it, Spencer.”

Spencer growled. “You know what, Ryan? Your self-esteem sucks! It really does! Stop acting like a fucking bitch, grow a bigger pair of balls and stand up for yourself! If your dad wants to make you his punching bag, don’t just keep smashing bottles of whiskey because you know that doesn’t really work now! Fight back...that’s what I did with my old man...your dad needs a taste of his own medicine, and you know it.” 

“I-I would never put my hands on my own father to hurt him!”

He replied, “Ryan, do you want him to kill you? If not, you have to fight back. Whether it’d be just calling the cops on him, running away, or whatever you decide to do, you need to fight back. I can’t stand seeing the bruises all over you...the marks on your neck from where he grabs you...you don’t deserve that.” Spencer added, “And about you wanting to kill yourself...I’m sorry to say...actually, no, I’m not fucking sorry. You need to hear this. You need some professional help. Maybe get put on medication.”

I yelled, “Spencer, I’m already on enough medication for my anxiety and bipolar disorder, and I don’t want to be put on any more! I’ve been to countless therapists and they all just turned me away! I’ve tried everything I possibly can, Spencer! Nothing works for me like they would for other people!” I held onto him, sobbing harder and louder than I ever have in my life.

“Ry...Ryan...sssshhhh...it’s okay, buddy. Please...stop crying...everything’s gonna be okay! I’m sorry I even mentioned it,” he said quietly. He lifted my head up. “I know the only thing that’s gonna keep you here, and that’s music. That’s what you enjoy the most...you want to be famous someday. I wanna be famous too, and that’s the same for Brendon and Brent. We all wanna be famous. The only way you’ll get there is if you keep truckin’ on like the strong guy you are. You can do this.”

I smiled. “All right, Spence...if you say that’s the only way to keep us all happy, I’ll do it. I won’t throw it all away just because of my shitty home life.”

Spencer replied, “That’s the Ro I know! That’s my boy! Keep up that positivity, man, and before ya know it, we’ll be discovered by someone of a higher power, so to speak. Maybe we’ll get signed on with someone!” 

“Yeah...maybe.” I nodded. “Thanks for coming over, Spencer. You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“No problem, Ryan. I’ll see you tomorrow at practice.” He gave me one last hug before going downstairs out of my house and into his car. He’s right...things do get better. I hope they do.


	4. "Can't help myself."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I DON'T REALLY KNOW ALL OF BRENDON'S SIBLINGS' NAMES. I TRIED, OKAY?

*Brent’s POV*

 

Another day...what else can go wrong today, I wonder? That bastard my mom decided to marry harassing me again, seeing my friends getting pulled into the same rut? Hopefully none of that happens today. I got out of the shower and got dressed in whatever the hell I wanted...because I don’t give a shit. I’m not dressing to impress anyone. Unless it’s a dance or something, then maybe, but every day? No. Too much time. I don’t even know how Ryan can take that much time to get himself all dolled up. Probably because he wakes up a lot earlier than I do. When I was done getting dressed, I walked out into the kitchen to fix some coffee for my dad...maybe have some for myself, because why not? Didn’t really get that much sleep last night because of all this bullshit going on. When I got coffee all done, I went into the living room to turn on the TV. Some music videos on MTV will help me keep my mind off of what’s going on for a little while. My dad came out and I looked up at him, smiling lightly. “Mornin’, Dad. Got coffee in the pot if you want some.”

He poured some coffee in a mug and sat down next to me on the couch. I looked over at him and gave him a good pat on the back. My dad said, “Brent...I got something to tell you. I don’t know if you’re gonna like it.”

“What is it, Dad?” I asked, curious about what news he has.

He sighed. “Son...your mother called again, begging for you to go back with her.” Why does she want me to go back with her? She knows what’s gonna happen if I go back...that bastard will beat me again. I glared at my dad and shook my head. He hung his head down and shook his head in dismay. “I knew that’s how you’d react. You’re like a goddamn book.”

I replied sharply, “No! I don’t want to go back there! I’m not leaving Blake here! Not with that fucking whore that was here the last time!”

“Brent, I know that you don’t want to go back there. I don’t want you going back there either.” 

I stood up abruptly and punched a wall. “I’m not gonna fucking leave you and Blake here, and that’s final, Dad!” I felt myself trembling with anger and resentment towards my mom. Mom...fuck you. You couldn’t stop your new boy toy from hurting your son...fuck you. I don’t wanna go back to you. Ever. Not until you find someone who’s not gonna hurt your own flesh and blood. I saw that Blake woke up and I started crying quietly, trying to hide my face with my long hair so he wouldn’t see me cry. I said to him, “Blake...go get yourself some breakfast or something. Dad and I are talking about something.”

Blake asked me, “But why can’t I be in the room? Is it something bad?”

I explained to him, “Look, Blake, it’s got nothing to do with you. You don’t need to be in here when Dad and I are talking about stuff, okay? You won’t be able to understand a word of it.” I pulled him into a tight embrace, trying not to let any tears fall on him. Blake may only be a few years younger than me, but he’s pretty naïve for his age. I try to shelter him from all the hardships as much as possible because I don’t want him to end up like me...I don’t want him to end up feeling stuck, stressed out to the max, and hiding emotional pain like I do. The only people I trust to see me cry like this are Spencer, Ryan and Brendon. I can’t trust anyone else to see me cry...not even that stupid sorry excuse for a mom I have. I whispered in Blake’s ear, “I love you, little bro...more than you’ll ever know.”

He looked up at me, and I hope he didn’t notice that I was crying. Thankfully, he didn’t. He said, “I love you too, big bro.” Blake added, “I’ll ask Dad about it later.”

“Alrighty. Fair enough.” I got my backpack and swung it over my shoulder. I grabbed my bass that was in its case and said to them, “Hey, guys. I’m gonna go right now to pick up Spencer.”

My dad nodded. “Okay, Brent. You have a good day at school.”

I replied, “Sorry for lashing out earlier.”

“It’s okay, son. I know you’re angry with your mother.” 

I gave my dad a hug, then walked out to my big ass SUV to put my stuff in the trunk before climbing in and starting it up. I had all the amps that I needed for today since I had band with all three of them today. I drove over to Spencer’s house and parked in front of it to go walk towards the front door. I knocked on the door and sure enough, Spencer’s mom came to answer it. I fixed my clothes and made sure my hair had no noticeable knots in it...having hair like mine sucks ass. It’s not curly and it’s not straight. I saw Spencer’s mom and I said to her, “Hey, Mrs. Smith...I’m here to pick up Spence.”

She looked me up and down, slightly surprised that I was wearing long sleeves underneath my band t-shirt. She replied, “You can come in if you want to, Brent. Don’t have to be a stranger in my house.” She gave me a playful nudge in my arm. “Come on in.”

I said, “Thanks.” She ruffled my hair and that made me smile. I walked into their house and was greeted by his little sisters Crystal and Jackie. I gave both of those girls a hug. “Hey there, girls!”

Crystal giggled. “Brent!”

Jackie added, “Spency’s getting ready right now, Brent. You can go in if you want.”

I smiled and gave them a nuzzle. “Alrighty, girls. I’m gonna go see your big brother, okay? You go get your mommy and give her some lovin’...daddy too.” I went up to Spencer’s room and knocked on his door. “Yo, Spence! It’s Brent!”

 

*Spencer’s POV*

 

I opened the door for Brent, let him come in and I closed the door before giving him a kiss on the cheek. His face automatically went as red as lobster and he gave me a tight squeeze. I said, “Yo, Brentos. You’re earlier than usual...what’s the occasion?” I nuzzled into his chest, feeling the warmth coming off of him. I murmured, “You feel so warm.”

Brent replied sheepishly, “Thanks, Spence. I just didn’t really feel like sticking around at home...I wanted to see you.” 

I smiled warmly and played with his hair. “Fair enough. I understand completely.” I batted my eyes at him. “Say, Brent...you excited for band today?”

Brent bobbed his head side to side a little. “Yeah, I guess so. Hopefully nobody cries today. I’m not in the mood to deal with that.” 

I nodded as if to say I understand. I adjusted my suspenders and my tie in front of the mirror and made sure my hair was fluffed up and fabulous. Brent slumped on my bed and just sighed heavily. I knew something was going on with him. He wouldn’t do that very often...and he seemed to not be very talkative today like he usually is. I sat down next to him, obviously concerned about his well-being. I asked him in a sensitive tone, “Hey, Brent...you look upset about something. Wanna talk about it?” He hid his face with the hood of his jacket, not wanting me to see him break down. I suggested, “We can just go talk in the car, if you want...so nobody can hear us.” He nodded and that was a good enough answer for me. I got up to get my school stuff together and my drumsticks, knowing we had band today and practice at his house after school. I threw on a zip-up hoodie and we both went downstairs to say goodbye to everyone. I gave both of my sisters a hug and gave my mom a kiss on the cheek.

“You let me know when you’re going to practice. Understood, Spencer James?” my mom said to me before we went out the door.

I chuckled. “Mom! I’ll let you know what’s going on, alright?”

My dad butted in. “You better let your mother know. I don’t want the bullshit that happened last night.”

Brent said to him as politely as he could, “E-Excuse me, sir...but Spencer was just merely checking on Ryan last night and--” 

“Are you my son's lawyer now, Chubs?” he asked in a rude tone. “I didn’t ask for your input. I don’t give a shit if he was going out to check on that little damn femboy 'friend' of yours or that fuckin' Jack Mormon who lives like across the street from him or not! What I say to my son is none of your business, Chubs.”

Brent said, “Mr. Smith, you’re being very rude, and I don’t appreciate it.”

“If you think I'm being so rude, get the fuck out of my house!” my dad said sharply. “And while you’re at it, go cut that fucking hair and put on some better clothes! What are you, a bum?”

I said to him, “Dad, leave him alone! He’s not doing anything wrong. All he was doing was trying to explain to you why I went out last night after dinner. He wasn’t being rude about it either! He was actually pretty polite about it, if you ask me.” 

My mom said to my dad, “Dear, that wasn’t very nice of you to say that. Brent, Brendon and Ryan are very nice young men.”

My dad grumbled, “That femboy needs to get a hold on his emotions...he’s almost like a fucking girl. I know he’s a fag...he doesn’t need to show off to everyone. I mean, fuck. Ryan’s a damn crybaby.”

I glared at him and growled. “Father, quit it! I’m getting tired of you speaking horribly of the people who happen to be my friends!” I looked over at Brent who was just about to start crying...I could tell. His eyes don’t lie. I sighed. “C’mon, Brent. Let’s go.” We both left the house and got into his car. I felt so horrible about how my dad acted around him. I apologized to him, “Brent, I’m sorry about my old man. He didn’t mean it. He gets like this when he’s hungover from the night before...and he hasn't blazed up yet.”

Brent sighed. “It’s fine, Spence...really, it’s fine. I’m used to being called names...it doesn’t bother me anymore. Like, it’s not new to me.” I looked at him and saw that he was visibly upset about something. He usually hides it so well with a smile and a laugh...I wonder if it's bad. 

I noticed that he started up his car and we were off to probably go pick up Brendon and Ryan or something...I knew that this would be a bad time to ask him what’s wrong, but it’s really bothering me. I said to him in a gentle and sensitive tone, “Brent...you’re upset about something. Like, really upset. Your eyes don’t lie, buddy...and I’m getting worried about you...a lot more than usual.” Brent just responded with slicking his hair back with his fingers and sighing heavily. I asked him, “What the fuck is wrong, Brent? Talk to me!”

He said to me sharply, “It’s that sorry excuse for a mother I have trying to beg me to go back with her! I’m happier at my dad’s house! Why doesn’t she fucking get it!?” Brent started to shake in anger, resentment and pure pain. He added, “I absolutely refuse to go back with her until she finds someone who won’t hurt her own flesh and blood like that bastard she thinks is the best thing since sliced bread did to me!” 

“Brent...you don’t have to go back to her if you don’t want to. I think it’s for the best that you’re with your dad and Blake...you didn’t deserve to be beaten like that,” I replied, trying to pacify him. I noticed a few fresh tears threatening to fall, but he kept them back. I took his hand and held it in mine, rubbing the top of it with my thumb until we pulled up to Ryan’s house. Brendon and Ryan came in with their guitars and stuff, putting their stuff in the trunk. I said to both of them, “Hey, guys...just an FYI, Brent’s not in the best mood right now. Just try to be as understanding as you can be, aiight?”

Ryan asked out of concern, “Brent, what’s the matter? You don’t have to say right now if you don’t want to...but it’d be better if you talked about it a little bit.”

Brent sighed. “Ry...it’s a bunch of bullshit. That sorry excuse for a mom I have called my dad again, begging me to go back with her. I’ve tried to explain to her that I’m happier at my dad’s, but she’s such a stupid bitch that it just goes in one ear and out the other.” He continued, “Her boy toy beat me...I almost died because of him! He beats on my mom too, but she still ‘loves him’ and she ‘knows it’s all out of love’. That fucking stupid bitch...why did I pop out of her vagina to be smarter than her? I don’t get it.”

I comforted him. “Hey...you’re better than she is. Blake’s better than she is too. Be happy about that.” 

Ryan added, “Yeah! You’re old enough to make decisions like that! If she doesn’t like the fact you’re living with your dad and your brother, she can go suck your ass...with a straw.” Brent just started busting up laughing and Brendon wasn’t that far behind him.

“Dude...that’s fucking gross! But that’s so funny...I can’t…!” Brent started making the sounds of a retarded seal as he kept on laughing. He stopped to catch his breath. “But yeah, my mom can kiss my white ass and suck my dick while she’s at it...no wait...I think she’d like it. Ew.” Brent started to stroke my hair and fluff it up a bit more. “Your hair is so damn soft...you could do that if you wanted to, Spence.”

I laughed and nuzzled his hand. “Oh, my dad would flip his shit if he found out I did that! And then he’d probably kick me out.”

“I don’t think that would happen necessarily. It’s possible, but not likely.” We pulled up to the school, got out of the car and grabbed our stuff from the back to head up to the band room. It’s a good thing the drum set is already set up because it’s a bitch setting them up and taking it apart just to set it back up again. I know I’ll have to get them after school sometime today and put them in Brent’s car. After setting up everything and practicing, we decided to end the practice early since we were going over to Brent’s house to practice after school anyway. The first class I have today...well, that’s math with Miss Robin. Fuck, she’s smokin’ hot, but not as hot as Miss Ivy. I prefer redheads and dark-haired girls or guys any day. She’s my trig teacher since I actually got to go into Algebra II last year. I got pretty lucky, to be honest. I try to be the best in her class because I really like her. She’s so nice.

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

History with Mr. Steele...he’s so handsome. I think he knows that I have a bit of a crush on him, but that’s because I do a lot for him and I help him with the other company he owns as well. We’re learning about some new stuff with American History...not just review. We actually get to go more in-depth because AP is awesome like that. Of course, I paid for the test and everything, so I was all set there. He called on the guy who sits next to me, whose name is Luc. He’s got a girly look to him, but so do I, so that doesn’t really bother me. Mr. Steele asked him, “Luc, could you tell us a little bit about the history behind the Civil War and why we were in it?” 

Luc gulped quietly. I comforted him, letting him know that it’s okay. He said to Mr. Steele, “U-Umm...the North didn’t like how the South had slaves, so they had a border between the Slave States and the Non-Slave states...right?” He played with his chin-length messy black hair nervously, hoping he would get a positive reaction.

“You’re on the right track, Luc. You explained it in a simple fashion so everyone could understand it,” Mr. Steele praised him. He batted a smile at him. “Nicely done.” He went on with the lesson for today and I was trying not to let his pretty emerald eyes distract me. Luc looked over at me and poked me. He whispered:

“Hey, Ry...is it okay if I hang out with you at lunch?”

I nodded and fluffed his hair. I could tell Mr. Steele was looking over at us, but in the good way of course. I twirled my hair cutely as he just talked about the Civil War...oh, his voice...it sounds so angelic.

When the clock said that class is getting out in a few minutes, Mr. Steele came up to me and asked me quietly, “Ryan, could you come with me to the lounge for a few minutes?”

I asked just as quietly, “I-Is it bad, Mr. Steele? I’m not in trouble, am I?”

Mr. Steele shook his head. “No no no, Ryan. Not at all. Just come with me. I promise, it’s nothing bad.” I nodded, picked up my stuff and went with him to the social studies lounge. He had me sit down on the couch that was in there and he sat down next to me. I thought, Oh my god...this has to be the closest I’ve been to him so far...don’t fuck this up, Ryan. Don’t fuck this up for yourself. Keep your cool. Mr. Steele took a moment to notice that I was wearing long striped sleeves underneath my short-sleeved black button-down polo. “Ryan, you never wear long sleeves with your shirts...but that’s not what I’m worried about right now.” He combed his fingers through his thick black-brown hair. “How have you been, Ryan?”

I couldn’t just flat-out lie to him about my well-being. That’s not really in my nature. I knew that I had to tell him the truth because it’s been eating at me for a while. I sighed. “Not so good, to be honest with you, Mr. Steele.” 

He replied, “Oh? What has you feeling like this?” I gulped and hung my head down, my hair hiding my face. He turned me towards him and lifted up my head so our eyes met each other. Mr. Steele said gently, “You can tell me. I know you’re more comfortable talking to me...what’s going on?” He has a point. I’m more comfortable talking to him than my own father.

I replied quietly, “I-I’ve been feeling depressed lately...a lot more than usual. Like, I feel like I’m a wet blanket on my group of friends because I tell them about what’s going on at home, but I’m afraid that my dad is going to find out eventually.”

“Ryan...you’re an intelligent young man. You really are, and you’re brave enough to tell someone about what you go through at home...not everyone can do that. Be proud of yourself for that,” Mr. Steele replied. He added, “Hey, at least your friends know.”

I said, “But I’m afraid that one of them is gonna say something and CPS will be over at my house and my dad would get arrested...and I don’t want my mom to be alone.” 

Mr. Steele sighed. “Ryan, do you want your father to get better or do you want to end up dead before your eighteenth birthday?” I had to think about that for a second...because I know for a fact that my mom wouldn’t allow my dad to beat me to death. I’d have a full-blown panic attack and end up in the hospital. He finally said, “I know you want your father to get better. I know you do, but I am a mandated reporter for this kind of thing.”

“I-I know, Mr. Steele...I don’t want anyone else to worry about me. They’ve got too many problems.”

“Ryan, the only way people will hear you out and take you seriously is if you tell someone. I can’t stand seeing you in my class acting like everything is peachy keen when it isn’t.” He placed his hand on my soft face and brushed it gently. “You’re better than that...smarter too.” 

I blushed lightly from his smooth and gentle hands brushing against my cheek. I swear, he’s probably the sweetest teacher, if it’s not Miss Ivy or Ms. Stacey. The bitch award goes to Mrs. Belle...because of that one time. One day I asked her politely if I could use the bathroom, and she said no. I really needed to go, so I flipped her off, shouted “Fuck you! I’m going, whether you like it or not!”, and walked out of the classroom. I guess she would’ve let me if I ended up going in my pants, but I didn’t. I have her today, but I highly doubt if she’ll even acknowledge me or Spencer. She thinks Spencer’s a troublemaker and I’m a fucking crybaby. She can kiss me where the sun don’t shine. I looked up at Mr. Steele, smiling warmly. “Thank you, Mr. Steele...thank you so much.”

Mr. Steele smiled. “I care about all my students...but you’re a special one.” He gave me a good pat on the back, making me laugh softly. “Can’t wait for that performance in two weeks. You nervous?” 

I thought, Well...maybe a little. I mean, my dad’s gonna be there. I think Spencer’s dad will be too...and Brent’s mom. If any of us choke up, we’re all fucked. I replied, “A little bit, but I know we’ll do good...my dad’s gonna be there because my mom wants him to come...I think Spencer’s dad’ll be there too. Maybe Brent’s mom, but I highly doubt it.”

“Well, if they do show up, I hope that it doesn’t stress any of you four out. Stress on the day of a show isn’t good.” 

I nodded as if to say that I understood what he said. I got up off the couch and stood up, feeling a lot better, now that I actually talked to someone. I said to him, “Thank you for listening, Mr. Steele. You’re a great person.” I felt my cheeks flush red as I saw him give me that warm smile. “Wish there were more people like you.”

“Oh, but there are more, Ryan. You just have yet to meet them.” He stood up next to me and gently stroked my hair. “I’ll let you go off to your next class...who is it again?”

I replied bashfully, “Mr. Slavic. He’s the one I have next.” He nodded and gave me a hug, making me blush more. I thought, Oh my god...he’s hugging me. Keep yourself from squealing. Don’t make a scene. Just go to your next class in a good mood. When he pulled away from the hug, he noticed my cheeks were as red as Miss Ivy’s hair. Mr. Steele didn’t really care though, so that was a relief. I walked over to my next class in a pretty good mood. I get to sit by Brendon and Patrick, so that’s good. The rest of the guys were there, so I said to them, “Hey there, guys!”

Patrick giggled. “Y’must be pretty happy today.” He decided to poke some fun into me. “Lemme guess...Mr. Steele, your history teacher again?” I blushed wildly and nodded, giggling. He took off his fedora and placed it on the ground under his chair. He chided, “Wonder how Brendon feels about that.”

Brendon said, “I don’t care if he has a crush on his teacher. It’s not like he’s gonna go run off into the sunset with him, as funny as that would be.” He asked me, “Say, Roo, did you see Brent today?”

“No, he’s not in my history class...and I haven’t seen him since before school. Why?” I asked, confused. I asked Patrick, “Trick, do you have any other classes with him besides oceanography or no?”

The strawberry blond shook his head. “Nope. This and oceanography are the only classes I have with him. I don’t know where he’d be, but I’m hoping he’s not hurt.” The last bell rang and we just looked at each other, wondering if Brent will come around or not. He added, “Oh! And Spence isn’t in here either. Wonder what’s going on with him?” 

“He had to do something for Miss Robin,” Brendon said. “Don’t worry, he’ll show up.” 

 

*Brent’s POV*

 

I don’t really feel like going to band today...I’m a fucking mess. My mom decided to call me again, but because I’m her fucking son, I answered it anyway. “Yeah?”

“Brent, I want you to come back here, please! It’s not the same without you!” she begged me for the millionth time. I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Don’t you roll your eyes, young man. I’m your mother and you will listen to me and treat me with a little more respect than what you give me!”

I was working up something to say to her...something that’ll keep her from calling me again. I started to breathe in and out sharply. I said to her, “No. I have told you this numerous times.”

She asked, “Why do you not want to come back and live with me, Brent?”

I shouted, “It’s because of your fucking boy toy! He almost killed me! I’m not leaving Blake and Dad alone again!”

“BB, Robert is a changed man...if you just talk to him, you’ll see.”

That was when I felt tears threatening to fall, but I tried my damn hardest to keep them back because I don’t fucking trust her to see me cry, let alone hear it. I replied sharply, “I’m happier at Dad’s! I almost fucking committed suicide because of that dickhead boyfriend of yours...just so I couldn’t feel the pain anymore.” I sighed. “Mom, if you seriously love me, let me go. I can’t deal with this anymore...I’m sorry...no, actually, I’m not sorry.”

My mom asked me, “What are you going on about, Brent?” She added, “Do you seriously hate me that much?”

I growled. “Maybe I do, you stupid bitch! If you kept your fucking head on straight, you’d find a man who’s not gonna hurt you or your sons! Obviously, that’s too much to ask out of you.” I added shakily, “Don’t you ever beg me to come back again...because I won’t. Not until you find someone else who actually has a bleeding heart.”

“Brent Matthew Wilson, I am not going to tolerate that tone of voice out of you! I am a grown woman, and I will do as I please! You are not the damn boss of me!”

My mom’s seriously pissing me off. I threatened her. “Fucking call this phone number again, or Dad’s...or even Blake’s, so help me! I’m reporting you to the police for harassment and you will be arrested. I love you very much, Mom, and I don’t want you to get hurt. Just leave me alone...this isn’t because I hate you. I’m doing this because I am concerned for your well-being and I don’t want to see my own mother in the back of a police car or in a body bag...or on a stretcher.”

She sighed. “Brent...I see where you’re coming from with all of this. I should have listened to you before I went out with Robert...I am so sorry that I dragged you and your brother into it. It was selfish of me to do so. You’re my son and I love you very much.”

“I love you too, Mom. I didn’t mean to sound all spiteful...I don’t hate you at all. I would never hate my own mother.”

“I forgive you, Brent. I do. I’ll get some help...for your sake and your brother’s sake.”

I asked, “Promise?”

“I promise.”

“At least you said that you’ll get help instead of saying that you’ll try.” I sighed. “I gotta get to class...I wasn’t being serious when I said I’d report you to the police, by the way. You can talk to me any time you want, but I just don’t want you begging me to come back every day I breathe.”

My mom said, “Okay, BB. I love you.” She hung up and I slid down on the bathroom floor in the stall and started crying quietly. I can’t believe I’m actually crying right now. I rarely ever cry. This is the first time in months that I actually broke down and cried like this. The tears were scolding hot against my cheeks...tears of anger, hurt, resentment, and pain all rolled into one big ball. There were footsteps in the bathroom, and I couldn’t quite tell who was in here. I looked underneath the stall door, my vision slightly blurry from the tears, and saw black boots. The guy knocked softly on the door...I could tell it was probably either Ryan or Spencer. A gentle voice was asking me:

“You okay in there, Brent?” 

How did he know my name? I tried to pull myself together and I said without sounding like I was crying, “I-I’m fine.”

He said, “It doesn’t sound like you are. What’s the matter?” Okay, now I know who it is. It’s Ryan. He asked, “Do you want to come out and talk to me or do you want me to go in there with you?” I decided to just open the door and Ryan automatically gave me a comforting hug.

“Ryan...I didn’t know you were in here...I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”

He comforted me. “Brent, it’s okay. You need to express your emotions more. It’s not healthy to keep bottling them up to the point where one little thing just sets you off.”

I rolled my eyes. “Kinda being a little hypocritical there, Ry. No offense, but that is pretty hypocritical. You hold your emotions back all the time.”

Ryan flipped his hair out of his face. “Bitch, please. I’m a fucking volcano.”

I smirked. “In bed!” 

“Brent, I’m a virgin still,” he replied. Ryan blushed harder as he added, “I mean...I've masturbated before, but I've never had sex.” 

“I know. I was just fuckin’ with ya.” It’d actually be a shocker if he did lose his virginity as a junior in high school. It really would be. It’s not like I wouldn’t talk to him again or anything...but it’d just be weird. I pulled myself together for his sake, wiping away my tears and trying to calm down. I finally broke the silence with, “Let’s go head back to the band room.”

He asked, “Are you feeling up to it, Brent? Because it’s perfectly fine if you’re not.” I’m pretty sure Slavic understands that kind of thing. I mean, one time he was out for a few days because he just didn’t feel up to being here. Wish I could do that a lot more often that I usually do. I ditched a lot last year, and I damn near almost failed sophomore year. I know my mom wasn’t too happy about that...so basically my punishment last summer was to get my grades up and no hanging out with friends. I snuck out to hang out with the guys any chance I got...said I was going to study but I was really hanging out with my friends. She never found out...probably because she’s too busy with her boy toy to pay attention. We went back to the band room and sure enough, everyone was looking at me like I just killed five people. I smirked. 

“Oh, so I came in late, huh? Please...stare at me like I just killed five people. The next time I see one of you boneheads doing that, heads will roll.”

Ryan, Brendon and Patrick looked at me like I was psychotic. Patrick gasped. “Brent! You’re not gonna seriously do that, are you?” He’s a little stupid sometimes, I’ll tell you what. I shook my head, laughing. His eyes lit up. “O-Oh! Okay! That’s good, I guess...wouldn’t be surprised if you did do that, Brent.” Ryan was playing some things and Patrick just looked at him like his heart just got smashed...or he’s just super shocked. He pouted like an eight year old. “How come you got in honor band, Ry? That’s not fair!”

“Pat, I’m sure you’ll get in next year. There’s always next year, buddy,” Ryan said to him. He messed up his hair. “You’re good at guitar too, Trick. Just gotta have a little more confidence.”

Patrick combed his fingers through his hair. “I do have confidence, Ry. I guess it’s just because I’m not the ‘ideal guy’ for honor anything.” Ryan looked at him in concern. He sighed. “It’s true and everyone knows it.”

Brendon asked, “Why would you say that, Patrick?”

“I dunno. ‘Cause I’m fat, tonedeaf and unattractive, I guess.”

“No you’re not, Patrick! Get that out of your head right now.” Ryan hugged him. He added, “And you’re not fat. You’re just a little stocky and big-boned. That’s all. Brent’s stocky and big-boned too! It’s not a bad thing.” Ryan comforted him. “About the so-called ‘tonedeafness’ you have, have you heard yourself? You have a lot of talent, buddy...and you’re a beautiful individual.” 

I added, “Hey, it’s jealousy. Besides, when you get everything good going for you, the people who fucked with you are gonna be workin’ for you.”

Patrick smiled. “I guess that’s true...that does make me feel a little better.” He messed up Ryan’s hair. “At least I’m in honor choir with you and Brendon!” A tall guy was over helping Mr. Slavic with something. He had a feminine look to him...a lot like Ryan, chin-length messy black hair, and he was really pale. Ryan motioned him to come over here. I think he knows this kid or something. “Hey, it’s the flower prince!”

He said quietly, “Hello.” He looked over at me. “You remember me, right? I’m just that kid in your English class who’s really quiet and stuff.” He played with his clothes nervously. “I-I sit in the back, if you didn’t know.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I know you. You’re Luc. Did you just get into this class or…?”

“Well...y-yeah. I just got transferred over to this class.” 

Patrick pulled him over by us. “No need t’be nervous! We’re all friends here. Nobody’s gonna judge ya...well, maybe except for Helena over there. She’s a real stuck-up snob.” He whispered, “Just stay away from her.”

Brendon nodded. “Stay away from Ari too. She’s not in here, thank god, but she’s so annoying.”

“She doesn’t even know my name and we’ve been in oceanography since the beginning of the year! She knows me as the ‘chubby guy with glasses and a fedora who sits in the back with Emo Girl’,” Patrick pouted.

Luc shook his head. “I don’t know anyone named Ari. Is she the one who wears all those skimpy clothes?”

Ryan laughed. “Yeah. She’s the one who has fuckin’ spiderlegs for eyelashes because she cakes on so much mascara.”

Brendon smirked. “Guess someone needs to call the mascara police.”

 

 

~After school, Brent’s house~

 

*Brendon’s POV* 

 

Good thing I don’t have to go to any church thing today...I actually don’t like doing that. I act like I like doing that kind of thing, but I really don’t like it. Why don’t my parents get it? The thing I hate the most about my religion is the way they portray women. They basically say that they’re nothing but baby-making machines and they’re supposed to be at the home taking care of the kids and the house. I don’t want that for my sisters...even though I’m the youngest out of five kids. Oh yeah, and they generally have a bunch of fucking kids because we need more people on this planet. I’m trying not to let it bother me during practice today. I wanted to start with the song Ryan wrote...the one he’s going to sing because I don’t want to. I would never take anything that he wrote and make it look like I wrote it. It went okay for a little while until that one part came up...that one part that always made Ryan cry. He carried on until the end though, so that was good. We can’t have one member all choked up in tears onstage and everyone in there is watching the whole thing. He told us in a quiet, sappy voice, “I-I need to go calm myself down.” 

Brent asked me, “What’s up with Ry? He seemed to be pretty happy during band today...but what the hell happened?”

I shrugged. “Beats me. I don’t even know anymore. He’s bipolar, has severe anxiety, panic attacks, and has depression. He’s a little unpredictable sometimes.”

Spencer got up from his drumset. “Aren’t you gonna go check on him, B?”

Brent told him, “He’s giving Ryan some time to calm down. He’ll come back out when he’s ready to.”

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

He shouldn’t have picked that song first...oh my god. Now how am I gonna play the other songs we’re doing?! I’m fucked and everyone in our group is fucked! I heard a light knock on the door. I answered, “Y-Yes?”

“Hey...I didn’t mean to pick that one first. I’m sorry, Roo...I didn’t mean to make you start crying. I know you didn’t want to do that one right now.”

I sniffled. “It’s okay, Boo. I’m not mad at you. Not at all.”

“Can I come in, baby doll? Make you feel better, I’m sure.” I opened the door for Brendon and gave him a hug, dampening his shirt with my tears. He patted my back and started rubbing it. “Just let it out. It’s okay. Ssshhh...baby...it’s okay.” Brendon lifted my head up and wiped away my tears, kissing me on the lips. I felt him lightly squeeze my ass and slap it playfully, making me squeak. He whispered, “This is all mine...all mine.”

I smiled. “You’re so sweet, Brendon. I love you.”

“I love you too, my sweet Roo.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “Wanna go back to practicing, babe?”

“Sounds like a plan. Can’t hold up practice because one of us is crying a river.” We just so happened to hear Spencer hollering and Brent howling like the idiots they can be.

“Hey! You should stick the Ding-Dong into the Ho-Ho and make some Twinkies!”

I blushed. “No! I don’t want kids right now! Jesus fucking Christ.”

Spencer smirked. “But Jesus is fucking Christ.” They both started howling and acting like idiots. After all of that, practice went on until we all had to go home for dinner.

 

*Brendon’s POV*

 

Well, it’s another night at the “good old” Urie household. I decided to talk to my mom and dad about some things. I asked, “Hey, Mom and Dad? I wanna ask you something.”

My dad replied, “Shoot. What is it?”

“You didn’t do anything to that boy across the street, did you?” my mom asked. 

I shook my head, laughing. “No! Ryan’s fine.” I sighed. “Well...you know those activities with the church we always go to, right?” They nodded. I added in the most weary tone, “I don’t exactly like the activities there.” My mom was shocked to hear that. I mean, I’ve been going to those since I was a kid, but she didn’t realize that I didn’t like them. 

She gasped in disbelief. “Brendon, I thought you liked going to those activities at the church. Why do you not like them?”

“Well, Mom, I’m getting too old for that kind of thing...and I don’t agree with what the book says about women.” 

My dad raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What exactly does the book say about women that you don’t like, Brendon?”

I said, “It says that women are inferior...and their only use in the world is to make babies, take care of the house, take care of the kids, take care of their spouse...and they can’t drive unless their father or any male relative teaches them or their husband does.” In other words, make as many kids as they can until their vaginas are stretched out ten feet wide. I sighed. “Makes me feel ashamed to even practice this religion because I think women are equal to men. I don’t want my sisters to have to deal with that. It’s disgusting.”

One of my sisters asked, “What are you saying? Are you gonna leave the Mormon faith and never come back?”

My brother Scott told her, “I don’t think he’s saying that necessarily. He just doesn’t agree with something in the book. There’s nothing wrong with that, Valerie.”

My dad nodded. “Oh. Well, I don’t agree with that part either, son. You’re right about that.”

“Please don’t leave, Brendon. We love you very much.”

The night has been nothing but a damn drag and I’m sick of it. I said lowly under my breath, “I don’t believe in ‘God’.”

“What was that, Brendon? What did you say?”

I said again, “I said, ‘I don’t believe in God!’ I’m a fucking atheist, okay?! And I’m bisexual! Nothing in that book can scare me into doing anything that I don’t want to do!” I added, “It’s nothing but ink on paper. That’s all it is to me.”

Kara asked, “Why would you say that?”

“You heard what I said before, Kara! I don’t like the way they treat women! I don’t like the way they treat people like myself, or people like my boyfriend Ryan!” I started crying. “I hate how condescending it is...how false it sounds. It’s like it’s too good to be true. I want to marry Ryan and obviously, none of you accept that, with the exception of Valerie because she was never taught how to hate and ridicule people like me!”

My mom scolded me. “Brendon Boyd Urie, you will not speak to us that way. I understand that you don’t agree with parts of the book, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to break away from the faith because of that!”

I shouted, “Mother, I’m not a little kid anymore! You can’t keep treating me like this!” I got up from the table, walked upstairs to my room and slammed the door. My sister Valerie came up to my room to try talking to me. It didn’t seem to help much. After our talk, my dad said to me in a firm tone:

“Brendon, you are to get out of this house in seven days. We are not going to tolerate an atheist in our house.”

I growled. “Fine! I’ll go live with Ryan then.”

“Why would you wanna go live with that little crybaby that you call your boyfriend, Brendon?” my brother Mathew asked.

“Because at least he treats me like I’m worth something and not like last week’s trash like you people do!” I motioned Valerie to get out of my room and I locked the door, getting my things together...because they basically kicked me out of my own house. When everyone else was out, I grabbed as much as I could hold and left the house to go across the street to Ryan’s house. I knocked on the door and sure enough, Ryan was there to answer it. He could tell I’ve been crying.

Ryan asked me, “Bden, what’s wrong? You look really upset. What happened?”

I replied in a semi-thick voice, “My parents kicked me out...I have a week to get all my stuff out of there. Is it okay if I live with you?”

“Of course, Brendon. That’d be great. I’ll help you move out of your house...your parents are fucking assholes anyway.” 

I scoffed. “Yeah, no kidding.” He let me in and I put my stuff in the extra guest room they have. Ryan sat down on the bed next to me, comforting me.

“What happened, hun?” he asked.

I sighed. “Well...I was just talking to them over dinner and I said to them that I didn’t agree with their beliefs...and I came out as an atheist. So they kicked me out because they won’t tolerate an atheist in their house.”

Ryan sighed. “That’s stupid. They shouldn’t have kicked you out of your own house for just not believing in the same shit as they do. It’s not like it’s a bad thing.” He kissed me on the cheek. “At least you’re with me now. My mom adores you...and my dad’s just gonna have to deal with it for right now. He doesn’t mind you; he’s just still a little oblivious to us being together.”

“Oh, Roo, I fucking love you so much...I wanna marry you when we get out of high school and we get the band thing going on full blast.”

“I fucking love you too, Brennybear,” he said. I took his hand and held it in mine. “You can take my hand in marriage when that time comes...have a nice house...maybe have a few pets...a couple kids...you know. That kind of stuff.”

I laughed. “Oh, and my parents aren’t gonna be invited...none of them will. Except for Valerie because at least she accepts it and she’s not discriminatory.”

He smiled. “Yeah, Val’s pretty cool. She really is.” I pulled him close to me, wrapping my arms around his waist.

“Where were we, baby doll?”

“We were right here, Boo.” I pulled him into a gentle, loving kiss, slipping my tongue into his mouth to explore him. His mom happened to walk in on accident, so I pulled away from him. Ryan said to his mom, “Oh! H-Hey, Mama.”

His mom hugged him. “Hey there, Ry-Ry. What’s Brendon doing here at this time of night?”

Ryan replied, “To make a long story short, his parents kicked him out and he has a week to get all his stuff out of his house.”


	5. "I've become so numb."

*Brendon’s POV*

 

It’s been about a week since I got kicked out of my own house and Ryan’s family was kind enough to help me get my stuff out of there. The performance is in two days and I’m nervous as hell about it. I’m usually not nervous when it comes to performances, but this time I’m really nervous. I don’t know if it’s just the shit going on in my own life, or the stuff that’s going on with my friends. Brent’s watching his mother slowly tear herself apart with “love”, Spencer’s close to running away from his house because his dad is a drug addict and a possible alcoholic (I think his dad and Ryan’s dad should go bowling), and Ryan’s watching his family fall apart because of his dad’s drinking. Me? My family’s already dysfunctional...with their religion that I was ashamed to even call my own. I thought that they were cool with me being bisexual, having a boyfriend, being in a rock band and all the other things that make me who I am, but when I came out to them as an atheist, they kicked me out of my own fucking house. I only have one sane sibling and that’s my sister Valerie. I highly doubt if any of them will even be at the show coming up...except for Valerie. I know for a fact that she’ll do whatever it takes to be there. I looked at Ryan, who looks so cute as always and I said to him, “Ry...thank you so much for letting me be at your house at times like this. I appreciate everything you do for me. You’re very kind and I wish there were more people like you on this planet.”

Ryan looked at me with those caring hazel eyes. He replied, “Bren, you know that I would do whatever it takes to make sure you’re happy. Because when you’re happy, I’m happy too.” Ryan hugged me. “The moon needs the sun. Without the sun, the moon is sad...the moon can't glisten and gleam without the sun to shine.”

I felt him snuggle into my chest. I trailed my hands down to his hips to massage them, then rub his back. “That’s true.” I felt his silky smooth skin, which made him mewl. I murmured in his ear, “Damn, Roo. You must love this...when I give you a massage.” I flipped over to continue to rub his back. His skin is so milky and smooth. I looked down to see that he was wearing those shorts that were almost like booty shorts and I gently squeezed his voluptuous ass. "Man...you have a rockin’ body...and a sweet ass. These shorts just hug those sweet curves...damn.”

He began to say, “Brennie...what’re you…?” 

“Baby, it’s okay. I know you needed a good massage.”

Ryan blushed. “You’ve got the magic touch, that’s for sure.”

“Why thank you, Roo,” I replied with a smile. I looked at his shorts to see his ass was already starting to hang out of them a bit, in which I proceeded to pat it. He didn’t even seem to care that I was patting him. I smirked. “Well, well, well, Ryan. Looks like these shorts are more like booty shorts now.”

Ryan giggled and punched me playfully in the arm. “You like seeing my ass hanging out of my shorts, Brendon? I thought you had morals and dignity and you ‘would never look at me like that until we’re married’.”

I combed my bangs out of my face. “Well, Ryro, you’re actually the only other person who I can truly be myself around, besides Brent and Spence.” I added, “Oh, and yeah, I do enjoy seeing you wear those shorts. You’ve got the body to pull it off. At least you have the common decency to wear these around the house and keep it classy.”

He giggled. “I wouldn’t wear these outside of the house anyway. It'd be like me going out in just my underwear...well, in just my cute ones.” I went down to massage him in between his thighs, which he opened them a bit for me to have some space to get to the places where he's most sensitive at. I know he really likes that...but I have to be careful when I do this because I don’t want his mom or his dad to think I’m fucking their son when I’m not. Ryan added, “Besides, my dad would fucking kill me if I wore these shorts outside of the house.”

“How about you just wear these underneath your clothes and then take off whatever you’re using to cover these up to piss him off?” 

Ryan said, “My dad would say that I’m ‘advertising my body’ to ‘all the faggots out there’.”

I replied, “Babe, they’re just shorts. It doesn’t make you a prostitute.”

“I know, but still.” There was a knocking on Ryan’s door and he just flipped back onto his back automatically. His dad, I’m assuming. Ryan said, “You can come in, if you want.” The door opened and it was just Spencer and Brent.

I said awkwardly, “Hey, guys.” Spencer looked at me with so much concern. “Spence, I’m fine now.”

Brent answered for him, “It’s because he still can’t believe how your own parents kicked you out of your own house for something really stupid.”

“Yeah, I know. But hey, Ryan’s parents really have gotten used to me being here.”

Spencer asked Ryan, “Ry, did your dad ever get that treatment he was tellin’ you about or no?”

Ryan replied, “Yeah, he’s getting treatment.” He sat up. “And actually...he’s been nicer since then. He hasn’t been all spiteful like he usually is.”

Brent said to him, “Well, it’s a good thing he’s getting help for this.” He sat on the bed next to us and wrapped his arms around Ryan. “Besides, we like seeing you happy, not sad all the time.” Brent noticed that Ryan’s shorts were up to his upper thighs, which made him whistle. “Goddamn, Ryan! Can those shorts go up any higher or what?”

“Shut up about my shorts, Brent! If it bothers you so much, I’ll change into something else so it doesn’t distract you.”

“I wasn’t trying to stare at them, Ry. Chill! I was just observing them.” Brent laughed. “I was kidding around.”

Spencer said, “Yo. How about we go in the basement and practice? The show’s in like three days, so we might as well practice whatever we got right now.”

He does have a point. I’ve never been more nervous about this show. Probably because of what happened recently, but I think my family is better off without me. I’m nothing but a burden on them anyway. Ryan quickly changed into some baggy shorts that weren’t as short as the pair he had on, but they were pretty close to it. Brent looked at him shocked. 

“Dude, you didn’t have to change. I was kidding,” he said to him. 

Ryan shrugged. “Meh. I don’t really mind anyway. I mean...I don’t want to distract you when practice is going on. It’s only polite.”

I pouted. “Aaaawww! I wanted to be distracted, Roo! No fair.”

Spencer smirked. “I would personally like to see Miss Ivy wear shorts like those. I’d never leave her class. She’s hot.”

Ryan said, “Oh, so you'd much rather see a woman wearing these and not a guy, huh?”

“Well...it’d be nice if she did, but I know she won’t.”

I hopped off the bed and went down to the basement to wait for the others. While I was waiting, I tuned my guitar to the keys of the songs we’re doing. I swear, some of these look hard but they’re not. They’re fairly simple, but it’s probably just my nerves. I know it is. It wasn’t long before we were all down in Ryan’s basement practicing our stuff. For Ryan’s sake, I didn’t make him do that one song he wrote for me first. We put that one last. Like any other time, he began to tear up at that one part, but he kept on going. That’s what I truly admire about him. The way he just keeps going amazes me. 

There was a knock on the door, which was probably just Ryan’s mom letting us know that we should come out for dinner. Spencer looked like something was bothering him, but I wasn’t quite sure what was bothering him exactly. I asked him out of concern, “Spence, you okay?” He didn’t give an answer. This is what I really hate about him. He’s pretty vocal about advice and speaking his mind, but this is so not like him. I asked him again, “What’s going on? What’s the matter?” 

Spencer looked at me, his blue eyes piercing. He replied, “It’s fine, Brendon. Don’t worry about me. You’ve got enough to worry about. Besides, it’s nothing that I want to mention right now.”

I shrugged. “Okay. If you say so.” At the dinner table, Ryan’s mom looked really concerned about Spencer because he wasn’t really talking much. She asked him:

“Spencer, what’s bothering you? You’re pretty quiet today.”

 

*Spencer’s POV*

 

I can’t worry her even more than she already is. I mean, she’s got a lot of worries...mostly with Ryan. But I won’t go into that. I sighed. “It’s nothing, Danielle...I’m okay.”

“Doesn’t sound like it, Spencer. What’s the matter?” she asked. 

I said politely, “Excuse me, Danielle...I need a moment away from the table.” I got up and just hid in the bathroom with the lights off and I started crying. I don’t even know why I’m crying exactly. Through the door, I could hear Ryan saying:

“Mama, he’s not mad at you. He’s just going through some things right now.”

“Do you want to go check on him and see if he’s alright?” she asked. I heard Ryan knocking on the door and I had to let him in because I can only trust him to see me like this. He began consoling me.

He asked, “Spencer, what’s going on?”

I sniffled. “M-My dad’s being an asshole...he gets drunk and high all the time. I’m surprised he still has his job.” I started sobbing, clinging onto his shirt. I said coldly, “I’m considering running away.” Ryan wiped away my tears and comforted me. “Don’t tell my mom about this, Ryro...please! I’m begging you! She’s gonna get mad at me and I might not be able to see you guys again.”

“Spence, I won’t tell your mom, okay?” he replied calmly. “Your secrets are always safe with me.” I looked up at Ryan with teary blue eyes. “It’s okay, Spence. I’m not gonna tell anyone about this.”

I asked, “Promise?”

Ryan smiled. “Promises are something I never break.” I started shaking like a leaf in his arms, and all he could really do was comfort me and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. He comforted me for a little while longer until I was done crying. Ryan asked me, “Are you better now, Spencer?”

I nodded. “Yeah...a little bit.” 

“If you need help with anything, you can always give me a call or whatever you wanna do.”

“Thanks, Ry.”

 

 

*Two days later, the night of the performance*

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

We’re up in a few minutes and I feel so nervous right now. Of course, Mr. Slavic is on the other side in the wings and I can’t just go run across to talk to him. My hands felt all clammy, holding my guitar which was out of its case. Brendon noticed that I was really nervous, but he just didn’t want to say anything because everyone could probably hear it.

Spencer asked me quietly, “Yo, what’s up?” I just gave a simple shrug. “Nervous?” I nodded while tapping my foot involuntarily on the ground.

I whispered, “I’m really nervous.” Brent peeked out and saw that both of my parents were there, both of Spencer’s parents and his sisters were there, his dad and brother were there with his mom, but he didn’t see Brendon’s parents. Not totally shocking. Only his sister Valerie was in the audience. Brendon knows that Val would do anything to come see us. Mr. Slavic’s assistants Gerard and Pete said to us:

“You guys are next. Get your stuff together.”

I thought, Oh shit...I better not fuck up in front of everyone...better not cry either. Ryan, keep the waterworks back, man. Pull yourself together. You were born to do this. The curtains were closed, thankfully, so nobody could see us setting up. Spencer sat down behind the drums, Brent was on the left side of Brendon and I was on his right. I could feel my fingers shiver along the neck of the guitar, and I was trying not to accidently hit any strings with the pick. When the curtains opened, we saw and heard all the people in the audience cheering for us. I could even see Ari out there just folding her arms and giving us her resting bitch face. After the audience calmed down a little, I got up to the mic to say, “Yo...thanks so much for coming out tonight.”

Brendon added, “We’ve got a few songs tonight that you’ll enjoy, I’m sure.” I giggled, making sure I was away from the microphone since it was on. He smiled. “Let’s do this.” The moment after he said that, the music started playing and I wasn’t feeling so nervous. After about five songs, I saw Brendon coming over to me to wrap his arm around me. “For our final song...we’re gonna turn the mic over to Ryan. It’s a song he wrote, which has touched all of our hearts.” I blushed wildly out of bashfulness. “Come on, Roo. You’ve got this.”

“Thanks, Beebs.” I smiled at him and gave him a kiss on his cheek. I looked down at my shoes when I was playing the first few notes of the song I wrote...the one that I couldn’t sing without tearing up in the middle. The first verse and chorus were fine, but once I got to the bridge, I gulped and tried to pull myself together. I don’t want to break down crying in front of everyone, especially not in front of my dad.

I heard Spencer saying quietly, “Oh no...no...not that part. Oh my god.” Brent looked over at Spencer and said the same thing. Brendon looked over at me, concerned as hell and he came over to give me a reassuring kiss on my cheek.

Ari groaned. “What’s wrong, Femboy? You going to cry again?” I saw Patrick stand up from his seat and walk over to her. “What do you want, you chubby nerd?”

“Don’t you talk about Ryan that way. He wrote that song out of pure love, something you wouldn’t understand because the only love you know is from what’s between a guy’s legs,” Patrick said so loudly that everyone could hear it. The audience roared with “She just got served!” and a few other things I couldn’t quite make out. He added, “Oh, and by the way, my name is Patrick Stump. Pleased to meet you, cumdumpster.”

I felt a smile break out on my face. Brent just started laughing and even the people outside could hear him. This time, for the first time since I wrote this, I could finally pull through to the end. When we ended the song, I said confidently, “Thank you all for coming out tonight.” The curtains closed, we took down the amps, put the guitars and bass back in their cases and we helped with taking down the drum set before going out to put them back in Brent’s huge ass van. We came back inside to get compliments by everyone and once I got to my dad and my mom, I asked him, “What’d you think, Dad?”

My dad had to think of what to say first. He finally said, “That was the best thing I’ve heard, Ro. You’ve got guts and talent, kid. Not everyone can go up and sing something so personal...and you did it.” He gave me a hug, which was weird of him, but I went along with it. “I’m proud of you, Ro. You keep it up.”

I felt myself on the verge of tears after we both pulled away. I replied happily, “Thanks, Dad.” My girlfriends came over to where I was. I squealed. “Ohmigod, you all came!” I was in a group hug with all three of them. 

“That was so funny...what Patrick said to Ari,” Grace said.

Kaila added, “She had it coming. She’s rude anyway.”

I laughed. “Yeah. It was pretty funny. Never heard ‘Trick say that before.” I turned to my mom and there were three other people right by her. I asked her, “Mama, who’d you bring?”

My mom said, “They’re your older siblings Catherine, Jordan and Juliette.” What the fuck?! I have two sisters and a brother? Why would they hide that from me?


	6. "No, really. I'm fine."

*Spencer’s POV*

 

I drove back to my house to find no mini-van in the driveway and nobody in sight. When I parked my car on the driveway, I turned it off and unlocked Hell’s door. That’s what I call my house. My house is fucking Hell. I slammed the door and went upstairs to my room with my things only to throw them on the ground and curl up on my bed, hugging a pillow. I felt the tears filling in my eyes again, even though I was crying just about a half hour ago. I’m so glad nobody’s in the house right now. I can’t trust any of them to see me cry or hear me, let alone know that I was. The tears began to roll slowly down my cheeks and pool onto the pillow. When they came down faster, that was when I started sobbing. Harder than I ever have in my life. I looked at old pictures of me and my dad when I was younger and I asked out loud, “Dad, what the fuck happened to you?” I hugged the photo album and started gasping out sobs. “D-Daddy, I-I...want...you...back! Why are you like this!?”

Out of nowhere, I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I heard a familiar voice. “Hey, Spence? It’s Brent. I was just coming in to check on you. Your mom said it was fine.” I got up to open the door, tears still streaming down my face nonstop. Brent came in and closed the door behind him before hugging me. He asked, “Spencer, what’s wrong?”

I sniffled. “E-Everything, Brent! My dad’s a druggie and an alcoholic, my mom is too blind to see the man he’s become...and…!” 

“Spencer...breathe. What’s going on?” he asked me calmly. Brent took me over to my bed to comfort me. He held me in his arms as I continued to sob uncontrollably. When I looked up at him with my vision blurry from the tears, he delicately wiped them away. “What’s bothering you so much, Spence? You never act like this.”

I replied, “M-My dad’s a fucking asshole. He’s usually high off his ass when he gets home from work...he passes out drunk, especially when my sisters are there, and he...he…” I stopped speaking and began sobbing again.

Brent looked me dead in the eye. “What did he do to you?” I hesitantly took off my shirt and the look on his face was unforgettable. “Spencer...he did this to you?” I nodded. He felt all the welts on my back which were obviously from a belt and the choke marks on my neck. He said quietly, “Oh my god...why didn’t you tell anyone about this?”

I replied with a shaky voice, “B-Because if I said anything, my dad would beat me even more and eventually get to Crystal and Jackie!” 

Brent said firmly, “Spencer James Smith, you are going to come with me to the police station to report this. This is abuse, and you don’t deserve any of it.” He took some pictures of my injuries to show to the police as evidence. “If he raises his hand to fucking hit you again, you call me or Ryan. Okay?” I nodded.

“I just want to protect my sisters...I don’t want them to get hurt! They’re too young to understand, but their big brother’s always gonna protect them.”

He sighed. “Look, Spence, I know you want to protect your sisters. I get it. I do the same thing for my little brother. If you really want to protect them, you need to speak up so this won’t happen to them.” 

I gulped. “I will, Brent...I will.” I pulled him closer to my body and held on tight. I said, “Brent...if this isn’t too much to ask...I need one thing.”

“What’s that exactly?” he asked curiously.

I replied, “Love me...I love you so much, Brent. Words can’t describe how much I love you.” 

Brent looked at me a little confused. “What? I thought you were into girls, Spence. This is news to me.”

I blushed. “Yeah...I know. I haven’t even come out to my parents yet...but I’ll come out to you.” I said timidly, “I’m...I’m bisexual.” It took him a little while for it to sink in. I asked, “Is this gonna ruin our friendship?”

Brent shook his head, smiling. “Naaahhh! I’ll always be in your life, man!” He whispered in my ear, “About you being bi...so am I.” I literally started crying happy tears as I hugged him tighter. Brent pulled away to wipe away my tears. “Stop crying.” He kissed my cheeks and delicately stroked my hair. “I love you too, Spencer. I’ve always loved you.” Brent trailed a hand down to squeeze my ass. He whispered, “My god, you have a nice ass.” 

I giggled. “Like you say about Ryan’s.”

He smirked. “Yeah...he’s got a rockin’ body too.” I giggled. “You know I’m right.” 

I said, “Well...some people think we're together anyway.” We heard the front door open and Brent automatically got off of me. I whispered, “Brent, it’s okay. If you want, we can make out or something.”

Brent whispered back, “Your mom might come up here, or worse...your dad. I don’t wanna risk it.”

“C’mon! It'll only be a little bit!”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Alrighty. Let’s do it.” I pulled him closer to me as I pressed my lips against his, being gentle at first while putting my shirt back on. Without warning, he slipped some tongue and truthfully, it got me a little excited. We continued for a couple minutes until we heard someone coming up the stairs. He pulled away, breathless and wiping away any noticeable spit. Turns out that my mom came in and at that moment, both of our cheeks were bright red. Brent said to her, “Hey there, Mrs. Smith! How are you?”

She replied, “Oh, I’m doing fine, Brent. Thank you for asking.” I gulped when she turned to me. “Are you feeling well, Spencer? Your face looks a little warm.”

I laughed nervously. “Yeah, Mom. I’m fine! Just got a little warm in here.” I asked her, “So...how’re the girls doin’?”

“They’re fine. I just put them to bed,” my mom said. She added, “Why do you ask?” I knew I had to think of an excuse, but I can’t exactly tell her. I have to think of something.

I answered, “No reason. Just curious about my sisters, Mom. That’s all.”

She kissed me on the cheek. “I know, lovebug. I know you love your sisters very much.” I mentally sighed in relief, thankful that she bought it. Sure enough, my dad came up the stairs too, which sent me into panic mode. I tried my hardest to mask the panic I was in and tried to act casual. 

“The fuck are you doing in my house at this time of night?” my dad asked Brent.

Brent answered firmly, “Oh, I was checking on Spencer to make sure he was okay! Plus your wife said it was fine for me to do so.” He smirked. “Thought you’d get used to me by now.” 

My dad replied, “Don’t you fuckin’ talk back to me, boy! You’re lucky you’re not my kid! I’d beat your ass to a pulp right now for talking to me like that.”

“Oh, I think you’re going to have a little bit of a difficult time with that, Mr. Smith,” Brent said as calm as he could. He got up to face him. “Besides, I already know what you do to my friend.”

He snarled, “Goddammit, you’re pissing me off, kid! You don’t know anything about what goes on in this house!”

Brent challenged, “Oh, I don’t know about what goes on here?” He grabbed the photos he took of my back and the choke marks on my neck to show him. “Maybe you’d like to explain these pictures.”

My dad looked at them puzzled. “What are these pictures of exactly?”

“They are of injuries on Spencer’s back and the marks that you left on his neck!” he retorted. Brent turned to my mom and showed her the pictures as well. “Your own son has these kinds of injuries on him right now, and you just decide to brush it off and act like everything’s okay? Explain that to me! Right now!” My dad tried to get near me, but Brent took me and held me close to his body. “Don’t you dare touch him. You’ve caused him so much damage that he can’t even feel safe in his own house. How does that make you feel?”

My mom came over to try to hold me, but I held my hand up and said shakily, “D-Don’t touch me...please.” She took a step back, appalled by my tone. I added, “Mom, I love you. I just don’t want your sympathy right now. So just please don’t touch me.”

Brent growled as he held me protectively. “What do you have to say for yourselves?! You can’t just say you’re sorry and kiss it to make it all better. That doesn’t fucking work!” He sighed. “Now...one of you needs to explain these to me right now, or else I will have to report it to the police.”

My mom said, “Brent, I didn’t do any of this, okay? I have nothing to do with it.” She added, “I didn’t even know this happens when I’m not home.”

I said to her, “It does happen when you’re not home, Mom! And you do nothing about it! You care about Crystal and Jackie more than me anyway! I guess you don’t care about their safety either, and I do.”

“Spencer, what’s gotten into you?” she asked quietly.

I replied, “No! Don’t give me that! Dad’s fucking rude as hell to my friends whenever they’re over here! Dad calls Ryan, who I’ve known since I was five, a fucking crybaby femboy fag when he knows that Ryan has problems at home too. He calls Brendon a Jack Mormon fag just because he doesn’t agree with what his family believes in.” I turned to my dad and said, “By the way, Dad, Brendon is bisexual and he’s an atheist, thank you very much. And Ryan has some emotional disorders, so he can’t fucking help his emotions sometimes.” I finished, getting angrier with every word, “And he calls Brent multiple names! He also jokes about his weight, which he’s actually a pretty well-sized guy for his age. So if you want me to give you any ounce of respect, why don’t you give me and my friends the respect we deserve?”

My dad said, “It’s true though. Ryan’s a fuckin’ crybaby and as far as Brendon and Brent go, what I say about them is true.”

Brent shouted, “I know I’m a bit big for my age, Mr. Smith! I know that! You know that if you say shit like that to people that their self-esteem plummets because of people like you?” Crystal and Jackie woke up to see what was going on. Brent said to them, “Girls, stay in your room. You don’t need to see this.”

Crystal asked, “Why not?”

He explained to her, “Because I’m trying to protect your big brother and you girls. Go back in your room, please.” Thankfully, they both went back into their room and I had a chance to stand up to my dad again.

My dad looked at me and I stared him down. “What’cha gonna do, boy!?”

I growled and said in the fiercest tone, “I’m gonna give you a little taste of your own medicine. I’m not gonna let you hurt my sisters next.” He stood back in shock. I tested him by saying, “Go ahead. Hit me. I fuckin’ double dog dare you.” He raised his fist to punch me, but I grabbed it with a smirk. “Nice try, motherfucker. Now...I’m gonna take you down with two hits; one hitting you, and the other you hitting the floor.” Brent kinda egged me on and I stood up to my old man.

Brent looked at me in slight shock. “Spence...I didn’t know you’d actually do what I said.”

“What? Just because I have a soft side, it doesn’t mean I won’t kick someone’s ass.” I looked at him with a serious look. My mom was shocked to see that I actually stood up to my dad. I said to her, “Mom, I don’t want Dad to hurt you or the girls. I want to protect you from what he does to me. I had to stand up to him. Please don’t get mad at me.”

My mom sighed. “No, Spencer. It’s my fault. It really is. It’s my fault I wasn’t there to protect you like a mother should.”

“Mom, you can work and stuff. I’m not gonna stop you from pursuing your career, ‘cause if I did, that would totally go against my utmost respect for women.”

She decided to coddle me. “Spencer, I appreciate that...but as your mother, I have to protect you and your sisters, no matter what’s getting in my way.” She placed a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I’ll make sure your father doesn’t do this to you again.”

My dad smiled at me. “You’re a strong young man, just like how I raised ya.”

I glared at him. “Yeah, I’m a strong man who won’t fuckin’ beat on someone just ‘cause I feel like it!” I folded my arms across my chest. “Dad, I love you very much. I do. Believe me when I say this. If you don’t start cutting back on the booze and lay off the pot, you’re gonna end up killin’ one of us or worse...yourself. That’s why Ryan is afraid to come over here when you’re like that. It reminds him too much of his dad.”

Brent added, “Think about those two beautiful little girls who are in the other room right now. You want them to grow up without a good male figure in their lives? They’re a little too young to understand right now, but if they see you act like you do, they’ll think those kinds of guys are right for them.” He sighed. “I would know...my mom has shown me enough for me to say this. She has some really shitty taste in men. My dad would never beat her...but her boyfriend does. That’s why I got out of there. One of these days, one of your kids is gonna snap. Spencer’s real close to that point.”

 

 

*Brendon’s POV*

 

It’s been a little over two weeks and still no word from my mom and dad. No calls to ask me how I’m doing, nothing. It’s like I don’t even exist to them anymore. They completely have disowned me. All because I decided to say something. Fuck religion. I don’t need to believe in something I don’t think exists to get me through life. I have the best friends I could ever ask for, the music is going great, and most importantly, the best boyfriend ever. He is literally the only reason why I haven’t considered taking the easy way out. Ryan is the only person who makes me happy as of right now. Lately, he’s been a lot more lively. It’s probably because he’s glad that his dad kept his promise to him...and that I’m here with him every day. I woke up to a text from Brent. I read it and I couldn’t believe what was on the screen. I think I woke up Ryan because he still looked really sleepy and his hair was all messy when he walked into my room, which is cute. I said quietly, “Sorry, Roo. Didn’t mean to wake you up, babe.”

He said, “No, you didn’t wake me up. Can’t sleep.” Ryan curled up next to me on my bed. I pulled him closer to me so he wouldn’t be cold. Ryan asked me, “What’s wrong, Beeboo?”

I sighed. “Brent texted me just now...about Spencer.” I looked into his tired hazel eyes. “We need to say something about this to someone. I knew Spence got treated like shit, but I didn’t think it was this bad.”

Ryan replied, “I know. That’s why I’m afraid to go over to his house when his dad is drunk or high off his ass. I tried to get a hold of him earlier, but he didn’t pick up...so I know something went wrong. Brent sent me some horrifying pictures too.” He rested his head on my shoulder. “I’ll go report it myself. I can’t stand by and watch him suffer like that.”

“Don’t worry about it too much, ‘kay, babe?”

“How can I not worry about it? Spencer’s literally one of my best friends.”

I replied, “Now I know why he’s angry all the time...so cold. Like you can’t even tell what’s wrong with him.” I pulled him into an embrace. “He used to be so happy. He used to be so carefree. Now he’s changed.”

He said, “That’s what abuse can do to you. Remember how I used to be the same way? Now I’m bipolar, depressed, have panic attacks that scare the living shit out of me, never-ending nightmares, and…” I could see his eyes fill with tears. “I’m afraid to come home, scared of what might happen next.” He started sobbing when he looked straight at me. “B-Brendon...I wanted to die because of how shitty my dad is.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” I asked him. I wiped away his tears, but they wouldn’t stop falling. “When did that happen, Ryan? Talk to me.”

Ryan replied, “I-It was a little over a week before the show.”

I started crying with him. “R-Roo, why didn’t you say anything to me about this? You know I would’ve helped you get out of that rut. You know that!”

He sniffled. “I didn’t want you to worry about me...because you were already crying enough that day all because of me.”

“Ryan, I care so much about you. Please stop hiding from me when you’re feeling like that, and actually come and talk to me when it comes up next time,” I replied quietly. “I love you, Roo...I don’t want to lose you because of something that can be prevented.”

Ryan started sobbing hard. “I’m so sorry, Brendon! I’m such a terrible and shitty boyfriend and I keep hiding myself behind this fucking mask! I hate the mask that was made for me! I hate it!” 

I tried to comfort him. “Baby...you’re an awesome and loving boyfriend. Stop bringing yourself down like that.” I lifted up his head so we had direct eye contact. “Ryan, if you hate hiding behind the mask, find a way to break it. Seriously. Express your emotions more. If you want to get angry, get fucking angry. Get so angry the whole city goes down in flames. If you want to cry, fucking cry. Cry until you’ve made the eighth ocean. If you want to laugh, laugh until you piss all over yourself. Maybe add to the eighth ocean while you’re at it.” I could see a smile try to break through his tears. “I’m serious, Roo. Most importantly...if you want to smile...smile. You deserve that. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile.”

He giggled. “Speaking of the laughing part, that actually happened once.”

“Yeah, I know. Brent was being really funny and you completely peed your pants, you were laughing so hard. Poor little guy.”

He laughed. “I didn’t even care.”

I laughed. “I know, which makes it even funnier.” I added, “But seriously though. Don’t be afraid to tell people how you’re feeling.” 

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

Early the next morning, I did my morning routine and got myself ready for today. Of course, Brendon was already done with all that and everything when I came downstairs with my stuff. My mom was downstairs talking to him, which made me pretty happy. She sees him as her own. The thing that I didn’t get was the fact that I had three older siblings I didn’t even know existed. They just came up out of nowhere and it upset me, knowing that my own parents kept a huge secret from me. I kissed my mom on the cheek. I said, “Mornin’, Mama.”

She said to me, “Good morning, Ry-Ry.” I sure hope she doesn’t ask me about Spencer. I was worrying about him all night. My mom asked, “Ryan, what’s gotten into Spencer lately?” I gulped and started twiddling my thumbs nervously. She added, “Ryan...you can tell me. I won’t get mad at you.”

Oh no...she's getting suspicious about what happened yesterday, I thought. I need to tell her what’s wrong, but Spencer would get mad at me. I sighed. “Mama, Spencer’s being treated horribly at home. His dad has gotten worse since the last time you and Dad went over to talk to them. Spencer has marks all over his back and his neck.” I will never forget the look on my mom’s face. I added, “I need to do something about this. If it means getting justice for him and his sisters, so be it. I’m scared for his sisters.”

Brendon added, “Yeah...he’s thinking about--” 

I cut him off. “What would be best is if we go to the police station to report this. Brent can help us out.”

My mom said quietly, “Oh my...that’s what’s wrong with him?” I nodded. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner, Ryan?”

I replied, “Because I was too scared to say anything.”

“Ryan, this isn’t something to be hiding from me, okay? You’re better than that.”

I gulped. “I-I know, Mama. I’m sorry...I was scared. I didn’t know how you or Dad would react.”

She consoled me. As she gently rubbed my back, she said, “Listen, Ry-Ry, you don’t apologize for being scared. Ever. I understand why you were scared.” I listened to her heart beating, which calmed me down. My mom looked at me dead in the eye. “You just don’t want Spencer to get hurt. I get that; however, hiding what’s going on with him isn’t doing any good.”

I nodded. “I know, Mama.”

“Now...try coming to one of us the next time something like this happens, okay?”

 

 

*Ari’s POV* 

 

“Ariana, you need to lighten up on the makeup,” my mom said to me. I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Don’t you roll your eyes at me, Ariana! You know better than that!” I don’t even know what her deal is with my makeup. After all, she wears it too. It’s been a few years since my dad died and it’s really taken a toll on our family. I know my mom’s taken it the hardest. I was a daddy’s girl, and now that he’s been gone for a few dreadful years, I’ve been trying to fill that emptiness. People call me the junior class slut just because I’ve had sex a few times. I just wanted a guy to love me like my dad loved me. No, not in the weird way, you pervs. I know where your mind went.

I groaned. “Mom, you wear more than me. This isn’t even bad.”

She clarified, “Your eye makeup is a little heavy. I don’t want you going out looking like a downtown hooker.” I went back to my room to lighten up my eyeshadow a bit to my mom’s liking. When I came back, she said, “That looks much better, Ari. Now you go have a nice day at school.” Yeah, if that femboy doesn’t cry during class today. You know the femboy I’m talking about. Ryan Ross. He’s a damn crybaby, but you know, I don’t really blame him. I actually do feel bad for him...you know, with what he goes through at home. His jack mormon boyfriend...I mean, atheist boyfriend, his little drummer boy and their butch boy aren’t that much better. Whatever though. As long as he’s happy with Brendon, then he’s fine, I guess.

I got to the table I usually hang out at with a huge group of friends and my boyfriend. I heard Cheyenne ask Bella, “Hey, did you hear anything about that one group?”

Bella shook her head. “No...not really. What did you hear, Cheyenne?” 

Cheyenne said, “Oh, I heard that the one guy in the band is living with his boyfriend or something.”

Anna gasped. “Really? No way!” She added, “I think I know who you’re talking about! Is he that one guy who’s with those three other guys all the time?”

I asked, “Are you sure about this, Chey? You know that spreading fake shit isn’t cool.” I fixed my shirt. “Well, I know who you’re talking about anyway. Let me tell you that it is true. Church Fag is living with his femboy boyfriend now.” Everyone at the table gasped in disbelief. I nodded. “Yeah...they’re living together. Ain’t that cute?” To my surprise, all four of them were right behind me. I said casually, “Oh...hey, guys!” I noticed that they weren’t very thrilled at the moment.

Cheyenne asked the femboy, “What’s the matter?” 

“Hello, Cheyenne...Anna...Bella...Ariana, why do you care about his welfare all of a sudden?” his drummer boy friend asked in a cold tone.

His boyfriend also had a little something to say. He said, “Yeah, it’s true that Ryan and I are living together. What’s so wrong with that? We both wanted to live together.”

Butch boy added, “When are you gonna leave us alone? We’re not even doing anything to you.”

The femboy seemed pretty upset when he said, “How about you people just leave me alone? I’m in no mood to deal with any of you. You all disgust me.” He walked briskly away from us. I feel bad for what I may have done. I decided to go look for him. When I found him, he was in the corner just crying. I tried to go near him, but the reaction he gave me kinda scared me. He said sharply through his tears, “Go away, Ari! I don’t want to deal with you or your friends!” 

I said calmly, which is pretty unusual for me, “Ry...I just wanted to know what was wrong. What happened?”

Ryan sniffled. “I really don’t want to talk about it. It’s not your concern.” He wiped away his tears with a tissue, being careful not to mess up his eye makeup. He asked, “What makes you decide to have any sort of sympathy for me? You hate me.”

I shook my head and knelt down next to him. “Ryan, I don’t hate you. I really don’t. I just get pulled into what my friends say...and what my boyfriend says.” I sighed. “My friends are extremely jealous of you. Some would kill to have a body like yours...to have someone like Brendon...have all the friends you have who genuinely love you. Even to have a mom who’s understanding like yours is.”

Ryan asked me, “So why are you so jealous of me? Because I have a dad?” I looked at him in shock. How did he know about my dad? He continued, “If that’s the case, you shouldn’t be jealous of me because I have a dad. My dad has abused me...he’s trying to recover from his alcoholism. He’s the main reason why I have full-blown panic attacks...why I cry...and why I act the way I do.”

I said quietly, “Oh...I’m so sorry. I’ve been so mean to you, your boyfriend and your friends...not knowing that your own dad is horrible to you...or about what they all go through on a daily basis.”

He sighed. “Look, your dad’s always going to be with you in your heart. Do you think your dad would be happy to know about what you’re doing to try to fill that emptiness? Your dad loved you, Ari. He wouldn’t want this for you. You know that.”

My god. He’s right. I almost started crying just thinking about how my dad would react to the guys I’ve slept with just because I missed him. I helped Ryan up to his feet and hugged him tightly. “Ryan...you’re right. My daddy wouldn’t want me to sleep around just so I could have his love...or something equal to that.”

“No, he wouldn’t. He’d be pretty disappointed in you for doing that.” He flipped his hair out of his face. “Personally, you need some better friends than the friends you have now. They’re bad influences on you.” He threw his black backpack over his shoulder. He shrugged. “That’s just my opinion. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

I insisted, “No, Ry! That’s not it at all! I want to get better friends. Trust me, I do.”

Ryan smiled. “What, so now since I’m actually being nice to you, you suddenly want to listen to what I have to say?” I could see that in the way he was standing and talking to me that he was about to break down and cry. He just didn’t want me to see it. Ryan looked at me with that really innocent but creepy smile. “Besides, Ari, I’m just Femboy Fag in your book. The one who breaks down and cries because of whatever reason I have that day. That’s all I am to you.” Ryan started to do that really creepy laugh. “My god, you told me that I should go slash my emo wrists and die. Think that’ll make me be your friend, Ariana?”

“What’re you talking about, Ryan? That was years ago! I’ve changed a lot since then!”

He replied in the sweetest possible tone, “Oh, honey, you have changed, sure, but not in the good way.” I could see him getting angrier with me, which is pretty scary to be honest. I think I broke him...and unleashed what I didn’t want to see. Ryan continued, “Who was the only person who gave you a fucking shoulder to cry on when you found out your dad died?! Who was the only person who was willing to help you because nobody else would? Who was the one person who gave you advice after you broke up with some sleazeball?! Huh!?” He screamed so loudly that even the people on the other side of the school could hear him. “TELL ME, ARIANA CHER! WHO DID ALL THOSE THINGS FOR YOU WHEN NOBODY ELSE WOULD FUCKING STEP UP TO THE PLATE!? WHO, ARIANA? WHO!?!?”

I replied, “You did. It was you all along.”

He said sharply, “That’s right, Ariana. It was me! Me, I tell you! ME!!!! You didn’t even give me as much as a fucking ‘Thank you’ for anything I did for you!” I could see tears threatening to fall, but he kept them back as much as he could. He continued, “You know what, Ari? I don’t fucking like you. I don’t like you at all.”

“Why don’t you like me, Ryan? I know I was selfish in the past. I know that!”

“You really wish to know why I don’t like you?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I wanna know why.”

Ryan replied, “Well, honey, for starters, you have always been rude as fuck to me, all of my friends, and to my boyfriend when I have never been bitter towards your boyfriend once. Do you know that I wanted to blow my brains out because of you, even though I had way more shit to deal with at home on top of that?” He continued, “You should be grateful that you had a dad who loved you and cared about you! If you envy me so much for having a dad, why don’t you go meet my dad?! He’s abused me! He left me in random places or was so full of rage that I’d have to go to my boyfriend’s house or to one of my friends’ houses just to calm down. It was mainly the alcohol that brought it out...when he doesn’t drink, he’s one of the sweetest men you’ll ever meet.” Ryan finished, “But most of all, the main reason as to why I don’t like you is because you disrespect yourself. Nobody wants someone who disrespects themselves. You know you could get raped because of the way you act, Ari? I don’t want that for you. Though I don’t particularly like you, I would never wish for you to get hurt like that. Ever. Because shit on a stick, I’m just that nice.”

I sighed. “Ry, what I do with myself is none of your business, first of all. Second, I’m glad you didn’t say that I could get raped because of my clothes. Such a cliché thing for people to say. But I’m glad that you do care about people, even someone who you don’t really like.” I said to him sincerely, “I’m really sorry for everything that I’ve said to you and done to you...and what I’ve done to your friends and your boyfriend. All the names I’ve called you guys. I feel terrible.”

He asked, “Do you genuinely feel terrible? Are you sincerely apologizing to me?” After he said that, he turned away and started crying. He asked in a sappy voice, “How do you sleep at night, knowing the damage you’ve done to me when all I did was try to be nice to you, no matter how much it killed me deep inside? How do you?!” He literally stormed off in tears. There was no use catching him because he’d probably scream at me again. 

 

*KK’s POV*

 

I was sitting with Grace and Nicki when I saw Ryan coming over to us in tears. I jumped up automatically and wrapped my arms around him. “Ryan, what’s wrong?” I let him sit down and comforted him. I asked again, “What happened? Do I need to kill someone?”

He sniffled. “I-I wish you could, K-K…”

Grace intervened. “Class Slut again?” He nodded. I continued to comfort him, feeling so horrible about how that bitch treated him. She got up with Nicki. “Koon, Ry, let’s go get her.”

Ryan started to shake uncontrollably, which is unusual for him. He growled angrily. “We should get a mop and a bucket...for that whore’s blood.”

I asked evilly, “So we can make it look like an accident, RyRoo?”

“Yeah...let’s make it look like it was an accident.” 

Nicki looked at the both of us like we were crazy. “Ummm...I don’t think that’s a good idea, guys. We’ll get in trouble.”

I played with my curly hair. “C’mon, Nicki! I’ve seen you do much worse.” I added, “Besides, it’s not like we’d really kill her.”

Ryan said, “I legitimately would love nothing more than to give that bitch a taste of her own medicine. It probably would give me a bad reputation, but you know what? It’d be worth it. I don’t care if I get suspended or arrested anymore, though I’ve never gotten suspended nor arrested once.” He turned to me and said, “Panda, go get that little plastic whore and scare the fuckin’ shit out of her like I know you can.” 

Right...that girl who looks like a knock-off Ariana Grande. More like an Ariana Tall. It took me some time to find her, but when I did, I could’ve sworn she was about to shit bricks when she saw me. I said to her sweetly, “Hello, Ari~. Bet you weren’t expecting to see me around the corner.”

“No, I actually wasn’t, you creepy goth. What do you want, anyway?” she asked.

I replied, “I need to show you a little something, Ariana Tall.” I pushed her onto the ground and pounced on her. I said to her in the most intimidating voice, “You hurt Ryan again, I’ll make sure you’re eating out of a tube in a hospital bed and not able to walk faster than you can count to three. Do you understand me?” 

Ari nodded, obviously scared from my tone. “Y-Yeah! I’ll leave you guys alone! Promise!” She begged, “Just please don’t hurt me.” I got off of her and waved her goodbye before going back to the others.

 

 

*Patrick’s POV*

 

Sitting through another class with that bigoted teacher. You might know him as Mr. Zakowski. At least Brendon makes it fun. He hates him just as much as I do. That middle-aged man who thinks he’s privileged was rambling on about things that we already know, which I proceeded to roll my eyes and keep reading my book. He looked over in my direction and started yelling at me. He asked me:

“Patrick, why are you reading in my class when I’m teachin’ you punks something? You can’t be entitled to everything forever, y’know.”

I was scared of the way he spoke to me, but I wasn’t going to let him see that. I got up and faced him like I was taught to. I said politely, “Excuse me, Mr. Zakowski, but this is an English class, is it not? So you are demoting something that is required for life just because you want to ramble on about punctuation and not about what English is really about.”

He replied, “Y’don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’ about, Stump!”

“Well, sure I do. I know exactly what I’m talking about. You are a bigoted, homophobic, fat-shaming, sexist, racist, privilege-filled swine. No wonder nobody speaks kindly of you,” I said to him firmly. People in the classroom gasped in disbelief, shocked that I actually stood up to one of the worst teachers ever. I continued, “I didn’t even do a goddamn thing to you and you think it’s perfectly fine to attack me just because I’m different from everyone else. You get your privilege checked! Get your mind checked too, while you’re at it!”

Zakowski laughed. “What are you going to do about it, you little brat?”

I said sharply, “You’re going to lose your job for shaming students like you do on a daily basis! Just watch me! I’ll grab my things and I’ll leave, and there is not a damn thing you can do to stop me! I’m sick and tired of you treating us like we’re mindless slugs!” I gathered my things and stormed out of the classroom, trying to fight my emotions. I ran into Pete in the hallway, who seemed like he was genuinely concerned about me.

He asked me, “Yo, what’re you doin’ outside of class?” I quickly walked away from him to do what I swore I would do...and that’s to make that Zakowski lose his job. Turns out that Pete was quicker than I was and he stopped me. He said, “I just asked you a question. You ditching the rest of class or what?”

I sighed shakily. “Pete...it’s...it’s nothing.”

Pete replied, “With that tone you’re using, I’m not sure.” He pushed me up against the wall, his milk chocolate eyes melting into my blue ones. He asked me calmly, “C’mon, kid. What’s up?” I felt the tears finally come and I slid down to the floor, crying. Pete looked at me shocked, not knowing what else to do except for giving me a hug and comforting me the best he can. “You okay, kid?” 

I replied in a shaky voice, “Y-Yeah...I’m fine...why do you ask?”

“Because you just started crying for no reason. You sure you’re okay? Those tears don’t lie.”

I shook my head. “N-No, really. I’m fine.” The next thing I knew was that Pete was acting a little funny. He gave me a kiss on my cheek and pinned me to the wall in the desolated hallway where no camera would be able to catch any of the action.

Pete whispered in my ear, “Those are tears of pain. Who hurt you?”

“Please, Pete...st-stop! I don’t want you to get in trouble!”

He laughed. “You really think I care about getting in trouble? I’m just trying to be nice to you...get to know you a little better.” He sat down next to me on the floor, continuing to comfort me. “Now...tell me what’s the matter, kid.”

I answered politely, “My name is Patrick, not kid, first off. Second, it’s Zakowski...my English teacher. He’s being a real conceited stuck-up asshole.” I started crying more and through the corner of my eye, I noticed that Pete handed me some tissues.

“Here. Dry those pretty eyes...Patrick. You’re too cute to be crying like that. I’ll help you with Zakowski, okay?”

I sniffled. “Th-Thanks, Pete. You’re really nice.” I dried my tears with a tissue he gave me, then took a few deep breaths as an attempt to calm myself down. I asked him, “What’s it like to be a teacher’s aide?”

He replied, “Eh, it’s okay. Slavic’s really cool. Same with the choir teacher Miss Quinzel. She’s a sweetheart. Talks about you and those other two guys who take that class with you a lot.” Pete helped me up to my feet. He added, “I got a question for you too. Do you know what you’re capable of doing?”

I shrugged. I don’t really think about things like this. I said, “Not really. I don’t really think about things like that.” I sighed. “But the fact that I couldn’t get into honor band really blows. I thought I did good for Slavic.”

Pete said, “He said you did awesome, Patrick. Slavic just doesn’t feel like you’re officially ready for that just yet. He noticed you were really stiff when you were doing the audition piece and you were way too focused on not fucking up the song.”

“Those words came out of his mouth?” I asked, a little worried. Pete nodded. I sighed. “I knew that he’d say something like that. Knowing him, he wouldn’t have told me anyway...I’m too sensitive.”

Pete said, “Hey, don’t beat yourself up! You just need to relax and let the music flow through. That’s what he wants! He wants you to be successful in your own way, show your real colors.” He gave me a hug. “If you ever need any pointers or advice, you can always find me.”

I blushed. “Thanks, Pete.” 

 

*Brent’s POV*

 

 

I walked into the only class I have with Spencer (besides band, of course) late. I have history with Mrs. Willow...and I know she’s not going to be too thrilled with me. I said to her, “Excuse me, Mrs. Willow...sorry I’m late.”

She sighed and fixed her black hair to put it up in a bun. “What’s your excuse this time, Brent?”

I explained to her, “I had to take care of a few things outside of school. Very serious things.” 

Mrs. Willow said, “Oh. I thought you were going to skip my class again.” She laughed. “I’m teasing!” I went to sit down next to Spencer, who was obviously happy to see me. 

Spencer whispered, “Hey, Brent...thought you wouldn’t show up.” I sighed heavily. “How’d everything go at the station?” 

I replied quietly, “If you see cops at your house this afternoon or in the evening, don’t be surprised.” 

“Oh,” he said quietly. Spencer gulped. “So I guess you told them everything.”

“Had to, Spence. But I asked for them to keep us, Brendon and Ryan anonymous,” I said. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, “You want us over at your house to keep you safe?”

Spencer nodded. “That’d make me feel much better.” 

I nodded. “‘Kay. My dad already knows about this and everything, so it’s all good. I’m pretty sure Ry’s parents know about it, and I don’t even know what the hell Brendon’s parents think about this.”

He replied, “Brent, Brendon’s parents have completely disowned him. They don’t even care about what he does anymore.”

“Yeah...it’s a shame. They can’t even accept the fact that their youngest son is different.”

 

*Later that day…*

 

*Spencer’s POV*

 

I was in my room with the guys, waiting for that knock on the door. Of course my mom said it was fine for them to be with me. I need them more than anything right now. I’m so nervous about this, you don’t even know. It’s a good thing they all agreed to be here with me, to make it easier. I found myself shaking, though I’m not even cold. I’m just scared. Ryan automatically comforted me.

“Spencer, everything’s going to be okay. Don’t worry,” Ryan said in his soft, sweet and gentle voice. He hugged me. “We’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

Brendon added, “Yeah. We’ll stay right by you until it’s all over.”

I said, “Thanks, guys. This really means a lot to me.” That was when we all heard the knock on the front door and Brent automatically stuck his head up.

“They’re here, I’m assuming,” he said. Brent took me with him downstairs and sure enough, the police were already at the door. Brent said to them, “Afternoon, officers. We’re so glad you could be here.”

One of them replied, “Thank you. We were called because of possible abuse going on in this house. Is that correct?”

Brent nodded. “That’s correct.”

The other told him, “Give us a little more insight on the possible abuse in this house.”

I gulped. “My dad comes home high a lot...and he passes out drunk, especially when my sisters are around. He beats on me for the stupidest reasons, though I don’t do anything that would get me in trouble.” I added, “I try to protect my mom and my sisters so they would never have to go through the same pain I do.”

“Okay. That sounds very unfortunate. We’re very sorry to hear that.”

I replied unconfidently, “I-It’s fine…”

Brent intervened. “No, it’s not fine, Spencer! Do you know you could get yourself killed by allowing this to keep going on?! You’re not gonna get anywhere with allowing that to happen! You know that I’m right.” At that moment, my mom and dad came in the house with the girls and I just couldn’t help but hold my sisters protectively. Brent smiled. “Well, it’s nice to see that you’re both here, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”

The two cops and my dad had a little conversation outside of the living room. My mom came over and coddled me. I sighed. “Mom...I’m so glad you and the girls are okay.”

“Of course we are, Spencer. Why wouldn’t we?” she asked me.

I rolled my eyes. “Because of how Dad is.” At that moment, I saw my dad being taken outside and that sent Crystal into panic. She yelled:

“Daddy, don’t go! Don’t go!”

I comforted her. “Crys...it’s okay. It’ll be aiight.”

Jackie started crying. “Where’s Daddy gonna go, Spencey?”

I said to them in the most sensitive way possible, “Dad’s not going to be here for a while, girls. You know why he’s not going to be here?” They both shook their heads. I answered, “It’s because Dad has hurt Spencey really bad. The po-po don’t like it when dads hurt their kids, so they’re taking Dad to a place called jail, which is where bad people go when they do bad things.”

“What’ll happen to us, Spencey?” Crystal asked.

“Nothing. Don’t worry. Mom will be here for you. I’ll be here, Brent will be here, RoRo will be here, and so will Breadknob. ‘Kay?” 

Something tells me that I might regret my decision...but it’s for the best that my dad’s away from me, my mom and my sisters for right now.


	7. "I see things that nobody else sees."

*Ryan’s POV*

 

I was finishing up doing some things for Mr. Steele and I helped him with putting things away for the next class. I noticed him coming up behind me and giving me a nice shoulder rub, which made me blush. Well...the teacher I have the hots for is touching me, so it’s a natural reaction. He smiled at me, his green eyes shining.

“Thank you for helping me out, Ryan. It really means a lot,” he said sweetly, making me almost melt like butter in the hot Vegas sun. Can’t seem to get enough of him.

I laughed. “It’s no problem, Mr. Steele. I’m always willing to help.” I picked up my things from my desk before he hugged me again. I don’t know...I just feel safe. Like I know he’ll never hurt me...just something I wish my dad would’ve done. I sighed happily. “You’ve always been so great to me...so kind...so sweet...I…” I felt myself tear up a bit.

Mr. Steele shushed me. “That’s enough. I don’t need to see you cry.” He got down to my level and cleared his throat before he added, “Ryan, those pretty hazel eyes have cried so many tears. That smile distracts everyone from the pain in your eyes...all the tears...it’s not hard for me to see past that smile you have.” I looked at him wide-eyed.

“I fake it so people don’t ask about what’s wrong with me. I hate it,” I said quietly. I closed my eyes. “It’s like I’m trapped in a cage...not able to get out. That’s how it is for me. I’m trapped.” I choked up. “A-And it’s slowly killing me…” I broke down crying and shook in my teacher’s arms as he held me close, making sure that nobody would see me cry if they were to walk in. I tried my hardest to pull myself together, but I couldn’t bring myself to. “I-I’m so sorry...I-I didn’t want you to see me like th-this…”

He wiped away my tears and gently kissed my cheeks until I stopped. He replied, “Don’t ever be sorry for expressing your emotions, especially when it’s in front of someone you trust. Crying is a natural response to pain.” He added, “You’ve gone through a lot of pain and kept it all bottled up. That’s not healthy.” I saw that he took my hand and lightly squeezed it, making me take deep breaths. Mr. Steele brushed my hair behind my ear with a smile. “Just like how it’s not good to hold it in for long periods of time, bottling up your problems isn’t good. You know why?” I shrugged. “Because eventually, you’ll get tired of holding it inside, and you’ll just let it out, so to speak.” I started giggling. He responded with, “I’m serious, Ryan. Just like when you can’t hold it anymore and you just end up going, that bottle’s gonna spill no matter how much you try to keep it from flowing out or tipping over. So just let out your feelings and everything when you need to. Okay?”

I nodded, still giggling at his funny but true analogy. “Yeah. I get it.” I blushed. “Speaking of that….that actually happened to me before. My friend was trying to be really funny and it made me laugh so hard I...you know...spilled. I didn’t even care at the time.”

Mr. Steele laughed. “I bet it felt good for everything to just expel out of you...it always feels good when you just get something out.” I hid my face with my scarf, feeling a little bashful. He ran his fingers through my long hair and kissed my cheek. I could have sworn that my heart stopped beating for a split second. I can’t believe he actually brought himself to kiss me on the cheek! I looked at him, feeling like I was about to just sink to the floor. I began to say:

“M-Mr. Steele...I-I...I didn’t think that you’d actually--”

He put a finger to my lips. “Now, now, let’s just keep it between us. I know it was just a little peck, but you know how they are about stuff like that. Don’t get overexcited, Ryan. Understand?” I nodded, wide-eyed. I know that nobody should ever know about this...not even Brendon, though he knows for a fact that I have a crush on my own teacher and it would actually be really weird if I was in a relationship with him. He smiled, slightly biting his lip. “Good. I like you a lot, Ryan. I’ve had a lot of students since I started teaching here, but you’re a special one. I sense a very unique vibe off of you...you’re filled with so much.” He placed his hands on my waist and slid them down to my hips. “And you’ve got exquisite genetics. You look so much like your mother.” 

I blushed wildly. “O-Oh! Thank you, Mr. Steele.” I added shyly, “I get that a lot.” I said to him, “Thank you...for everything. I appreciate it so much.”

“It’s never a problem, Ryan. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. You’re more than welcome to talk to me anytime you want,” Mr. Steele said with a nod. I couldn’t help but smile as he pulled me into a hug. He brushed my bangs out of my face and kissed my forehead, making me blush and my heart start beating faster. “Now you go off to your next class, Ryan.”

I nodded. “O-Okay, Mr. Steele...th-thank you...I-I never knew you actually--”

He shushed me. “Ssshhh...I know. I know it’s a little shocking, but I like seeing you happy. I didn’t want to send you to your next class in tears...because you look and sound so sad when you cry. It breaks my heart. You’re so exquisite.” I pursed my lip and began to squeeze and rub my thighs together, blushing hard. He smirked. “My, my...you’re getting a little excited, are you not?” 

I replied shakily, “I-It’s probably just that time for me coming soon...that may be why I’m about to…”

“You don’t have to be bashful about that kind of thing. I know how that feels.” He whispered, “You must be about to go into heat. Your stance tells me that. It’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed.” 

I said embarrassed, “I-I need to go to Slavic’s now...I’ll talk later, okay?” I left his class all flustered and embarrassed...and feeling that thing coming. I checked the time...which said that I still had ten minutes to get to class. I decided to just go into the bathroom to take care of my frustration, thanks to Mr. Steele for being so damn good-looking it makes me want to call him “Daddy”. The bathroom was empty, so that was perfect timing. I locked myself into a stall and began to rub myself, trying to keep my noises to a minimum. I bit my bottom lip as I rubbed myself basically everywhere until I felt the tension release from my body with a very girly moan escaping my lips. It felt so good to get myself taken care of. I decided to just do my business in there so I wouldn’t have to in Slavic’s later. Man...he’s cute too. Fuck. I heard someone walking in and knocking politely on my stall door. I looked down and saw skate shoes. This must be Spencer, so I have nothing to worry about. I finished up doing my business and came out of there to wash my hands before walking over to Mr. Slavic’s class. Spencer came up behind me and startled me.

“Ry, what was taking you so long to get here?” he asked. 

I thought, Sh-Shit! I need to think of an excuse and think of one fast. I replied, “Oh, I was helping Mr. Steele with some things. That’s all.” I hope Spencer believes me because even though he’s one of my best friends, I can’t tell him about what actually happened. I just can’t. He gave me the sign that he gets it, so that gave me some relief. I saw the kid I sit next to in Steele’s class come over and sit with my group. I said to him, “Heya, Luc. What’s up?”

“N-Nothing really...just wanted to come over here because I’m a little lonely. What’s up with you?” he replied. 

I shrugged. “Meh. Just trying to get through today, you know?” He nodded as if to say he understood. I grabbed a flower crown I made him and put it on his head. “I declare you the flower king.”

“Why thank you, Ryan. I love this crown.” Luc laughed. I noticed Pete coming in and I knew that he was going to come over here and ask me why I was late. To my surprise, he didn’t even bat an eye at me, so I know I’m in the clear. I nervously started clenching my fists and breathing shakily. Luc noticed my current state and asked me, “Ryan, are you feeling alright?”

Brendon noticed it too. He took my hand and held it in his. “What’s up, Roo?” I held my head in my hands and began trembling, which obviously freaked out everyone who saw it. Spencer tried to do something, but that just made it worse. I think it’s the beginning of yet another panic attack. Brendon started freaking out. “Ryan! Ryan! What’s wrong?!” 

Spencer asked, “Ry! Is the room spinning?” I couldn’t even answer because the current state I’m in is leaving me unable to think. He asked me again, “Ryan, is the room spinning right now to you?” Now that I think about it, the band room does look like it’s spinning. The feeling of a spinning room was when I ran over to the trashcan and heaved up anything and everything that was in my system, which was mostly liquid and it left my mouth with an acidic feeling and taste. Spencer got a bottle of water and handed it to me, trying to help me. He said to Brendon, “B, take him to Slavic, please.”

Brendon panicked. “Oh my god! Oh my god! Ryan!” My legs feel like wet noodles and I almost sunk to the ground, but Brendon came over and helped me keep standing up even though my legs were shaking. He said to me, “C’mon, Ry. I’ll take you over to his office, okay?” I almost dropped to my knees, but he caught me. “Hold onto me if you need to, babe. I don’t want you getting hurt.” As he was walking me over to Mr. Slavic’s office, I noticed that Helena and her friend Elizabeth...I mean, Z, were laughing. He confronted them. “Hey, this isn’t funny. Panic attacks are not funny. They’re fucking scary as hell.”

“Well, we didn’t know Femboy would throw up,” Helena said.

“Yeah...he doesn’t seem like the kind to puke in band,” Z added. 

I growled and got myself all worked up. “The room was spinning. What did you expect me to do, deal with a spinning room? You’d do the same thing if you ever deal with the things I do day in and day out!”

Helena said sarcastically, “Oh, you poor little baby! Aren’t you just the special snowflake?” 

Z laughed. “Bet your mom is gonna have to come over here, isn’t she?”

I grabbed her and her friend by their shirts. “Listen here, you fucking slutty wet noodles who can’t even begin to compare to my mother. My mother is and always will be a better woman than both of you ever will be. You don’t talk about my mother like that! How would you like it if I decided to talk about your mom like that?” I added, “I can tell you right now that they’re slutty wet noodles and you’re falling right into their footsteps. And let me tell you a little something, Elizabeth, I know for a fact that your legs spread like peanut butter and you’re gonna be a used-up burlap sack by the time you’re nineteen years old. You two are the last people I wanted to deal with today, so you better watch yourselves. I may be a man, but I’m not afraid to break you both like the twigs you are. Boo, you whores.”

Brendon told me, “Baby...that’s enough. I don’t need to see you having a stroke. Now calm down.” 

 

*Brendon’s POV*

 

What I’m witnessing right now is scaring the fuck out of me. I’ve seen Ryan have panic attacks before, but never in band, and rarely ever this bad. I don’t know what’s going on with him. I had no choice but to hold him close to me as I walked with him over to Mr. Slavic’s desk. When he saw Ryan’s current state, his eyes went wide. He asked me, “Brendon, is Ryan okay?”

I shook my head, in a panicked state myself. “N-No! He’s not okay!” 

Mr. Slavic came over from behind his desk to tend to Ryan. He sat him down in a chair, sat right next to him and held his hand. “Deep breaths, Ryan. You’re gonna be okay.” That was when Ryan’s complexion went ghostly and he fell out of the chair, passing out into my arms. He asked Pete, “Pete, could you please escort these two to the nurse?” It’s very obvious that he’s never seen Ryan have a panic attack this bad. He said, “I’ve seen him have panic attacks before, but I’ve never seen one that was this full-blown.”

I explained, “He usually doesn’t pass out like this.”

He nodded. “I know. I’ve known him for a long time. I’m good friends with his mother.” He placed his hand on his forehead, seeing if he was cold or not. “His skin feels very cold. Must be from shock.” Mr. Slavic said to Pete again, “Pete, take these two to the nurse’s office now.”

Pete said, “I’m on it.” He told me, “Come on, Bren. Get a move on.” I carried Ryan out of the classroom, which made Spencer come unglued. Pete told him, “Spencer, calm down!”

Spencer shouted, “What the fuck happened to Ryan?!”

I said to him in a panicked state, “H-He passed out, Spence! This is probably the worst panic attack he’s had yet…”

He screamed, “HE COULD HAVE FUCKING HIT HIS HEAD, BRENDON!”

“I caught him before he could hit the ground! Calm down!”

Pete said to him, “He didn’t hit his head, Spencer. Brendon caught him before he could even hit the ground, so you can just chill. Your friend will be fine.”

Spencer insisted, “Y’know what, Wentz? I’m gonna come with you and Brendon and see if my best friend’s gonna be okay.”

He firmly said, “No. You stay here, Spencer. You’re going to stress yourself out to the point where you have a stroke, so stop.”

Of course, the two slutty wet noodles were freaking out. One of them gasped. “Oh my god! Ryan’s gonna be okay, right?” 

“We didn’t think he’d pass out!”

Spencer asked with a snarl, “Since when did you two decide to show concern for my friend, huh?” 

Helena stuttered, “W-We just didn’t know that he was going to pass out is all and we’re worried about him!”

“So just because my friend passed out, you decide to care about him now?” Spencer asked again. Mr. Slavic came out of his office, and that is a sign that he’s not really in the best mood right now and this was the last straw. He tried to explain to him, “Mr. Slavic, I’m just really worried about Ryan and I didn’t appreciate these girls making fun of him for having a panic attack, so I was just trying to protect my friend…”

Mr. Slavic sighed. “Spencer...I understand what your intentions are completely; however, you didn’t need to be so dramatic about it.” He shifted his focus over to the two girls. “Now, Helena and Z, making fun of someone for what they cannot control isn’t funny at all, and bringing Ryan’s mother into this wasn’t a very wise decision. I happen to know his mother, and I have seen him have multiple anxiety attacks before. Maybe not as full-blown and over-the-top as this one, but I’ve seen it. Let me tell ya, it’s not pretty. It’s embarrassing and frightening for him as well as for the people who love and care about him.” He cleared his throat. “Just for the future, think before you speak.”

 

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

I woke up in a room with drawers full of band-aids, gauze, ace bandages, wraps and other things...and on a bed with plastic wrapping and a paper lining. Brendon was right next to me with a lady in scrubs. He said to me:

“You’re finally up! I’m so happy you’re not hurt, Roo!”

I asked, “What happened, Beebs?”

Brendon said, “You had a very bad panic attack. So bad you threw up and then passed out not too long after. Thankfully, I caught you before you could hit the ground.” 

The nurse added, “Luckily you didn’t hit your head on anything.”

I smiled. “Did I start saying or doing anything weird?”

Brendon blushed. “Well...you did some things, but the blanket was covering you, so I didn’t see much. But I did hear you moaning...it was actually really cute.”

“I didn’t say anything about anyone other than you, right?”

“Naaahhh! You’re fine! What, were you worried that I heard you saying something about your history teacher?”

I blushed. “No...I was just curious.”

The nurse said, “There’s nothing that I haven’t heard or seen. You were pretty mild compared to some other students.” She giggled. I had Brendon help me get up and stuff before I went over to the nurse. 

“Thank you, ma’am. I appreciate it very much.”

She replied, “Anytime you need anything, I’m here.” She gently nudged my shoulder. “Now get yourselves some lunch, you hear?” We walked out of the nurse’s office to get some lunch, though I wasn’t really hungry. I just grabbed some fruit and that was basically it. When we got to our corner, I saw that Spencer and Brent had grabbed our stuff. Spencer got up and gave me a tight squeeze.

“Ro! I’m so glad that you’re okay! I thought you had to go to the hospital or something...but you’re here...in one piece,” he said in an excited tone.

I replied, “Y-Yeah, Spin...I’m okay. I don’t even remember what happened.”

Brendon chimed in. “It’s a good thing too, because you scared the fuck out of everyone in there.”

Spencer explained to me, “Ry, you started actin’ a little funny after you gave Luc that flower crown because you thought Pete was gonna chew you out for helpin’ your history teacher. You literally scared everyone in band.” I looked at him shocked. He added, “Yeah...then I asked you if the room was spinning...you looked like you were either about to pass out or hurl, and you ended up hurlin’ in the trashcan by the door. Brendon took you to Slavic to see if he could try to help you and then you just blacked out. It was a good thing that you didn’t hit your head and Brendon was there to catch you ‘cause that would’ve been nasty if he wasn’t there.”

I started shaking again. “Wh-What?! All of that happened?”

He nodded. “Yeah...unfortunately, it was only a matter of about a half hour or so. Everyone who actually saw the whole thing thought you were gonna go to the emergency room.” He comforted me. “But it’s a good thing you don’t remember any of that...and you’re actually okay.” Spencer asked me quietly, “Ry, you didn’t forget to take your meds this morning, did you?” I shook my head. “Oh...that’s a relief. I thought it was because you didn’t take your meds or somethin’ like that.”

I laughed. “How and why would I forget to take my meds that I have to take for the rest of my life?” I added, “Plus, those attacks just come out of nowhere, regardless of whether I took the medicine or not.”

Brent said, “We didn’t know when you and Brendon were coming back, so we just got your stuff.” He added, “Oh, your little Goth friend wanted to sit here with us.”

I replied, “That’s fine. Thank you.” That whole thing with Mr. Steele this morning is still eating at me...Kaila won’t tell anyone. She’d be a good person to tell about this. After I ate and went to go freshen my breath and stuff, I asked her, “Hey, Kaila...can I talk to you alone for a sec?”

She nodded. “Sure.” She said to the others, “We’ll be back.” Kaila scoped out a place where nobody, not even that whore Ari could even hear or even go to. We went into a closet to talk, which was kinda weird, but I’m willing to go to an unusual area to just get this out. She asked me, “What is it that you needed to talk to me about?”

I sighed. “Kaila...I was helping out Mr. Steele this morning...and things happened.”

“What happened? He didn’t rape you or anything, did he?” 

I shook my head. “No...you have him. You know how he is. He’s a great guy...a couple times, I almost called him ‘Daddy’...because of how fucked up my dad is to me and how much I just need a father figure so badly. I just feel safe with him. He’s like the dad I never had. Of course...my dad wasn’t always an alcoholic. He used to be so nice and friendly...but since those drops of whiskey touched his tongue, he changed.” She nodded as if to say she understands. I continued, “Well, it started out with a very nice shoulder rub...then just talking...I broke down crying right in front of him. Thankfully, nobody else was in there to see me cry. He kissed my cheeks and wiped away my tears until I stopped crying...then he actually kissed me on my cheek and my forehead. I actually really liked it. Just the fact that the teacher I have the hots for did that to me...I got excited and I got so flustered that I had to leave his room to go masturbate in a bathroom stall.” Kaila gave me a hug, knowing how scared I am. I said to her, “Please don’t tell anyone. This is just between you and me. I don’t want Brendon to know...and I especially don’t want any word of it to get around school.”

Kaila said, “I won’t tell anyone, RyRoo. Your secret is safe with me. I’ll make sure nobody knows about it.”

I sighed in relief. “Thanks, KK. I knew you wouldn’t tell anyone and you’d be calm about it.”

“Hey. I have a crush on him too...and on Miss Quinzel. Don’t worry. You’re not the only one.”

 

 

*Later, after dinner*

 

*Brendon’s POV*

 

 

I knocked on Ryan’s door to see if I could come in, but I got no answer. I waited a little while before opening it and seeing what I couldn’t believe. I made sure to close the door behind me as I watched him in awe. I saw him with his eyes closed and moaning. It was a pretty interesting sight...and it’s a good thing he had a blanket over him so I couldn’t see much. He let out a shaky girly moan as he slowly began to relax. Ryan noticed that I was in here and his face turned as red as a tomato. He said in an embarrassed tone:

“I-I’m so sorry you had to see that, Beeboo...I…”

I shushed him. “Sssshhh….it’s okay. Don’t apologize.” I took my pants off so I wouldn’t make anything awkward...plus I feel so much better with them off. I got under the covers and snuggled with him, massaging him all over and paying close attention to his hips. I trailed a hand down to his lower region and tickled a spot below his dick, making him shudder as I stuck a finger inside of there. I whispered in his ear, “You’re so wet, babe. I knew you were thinking about me.”

He whispered, “Yes...I was thinking about you...mmmmmmhhhh….please rub me, Brennie.” I crawled on top of him, trying to get to that area, but I couldn’t touch it unless he opened his legs. After he opened his legs, I began to rub that sensitive area he has, hearing him quietly moan. “M-More, Master...make your dollie feel really good.” I got a little confused. Where did the “Master” thing come from, all of a sudden? I shrugged and kept rubbing him, hearing him silently beg for more. Ryan lazily opened his hazel eyes and giggled. “It’s a good thing you came in...I needed you to help me, Master.”

I asked confused, “Where did this ‘Master and dollie’ thing come from all of a sudden, babe? You’re not about to...start, are you?”

He blushed. “I-I am...it’s a little embarrassing. I feel really...hot….”

I gulped. “You must be in heat. I noticed in the nurse’s office because you were rubbing yourself a lot. You sure you’re gonna start that thing?” Ryan nodded. I said, “Okay...so just a massage will do then?”

“Sure, why not?” Ryan replied as he slid his shorts back on...the shorts I love, to be exact. He flipped over on his back so I could give him a good massage, being gentle around certain areas where he might be cramping. I didn’t want to make anything weird, and I sure as hell didn’t want his mom or his dad to walk in on us. I heard a knock on the door and Ryan said quietly, “Beebs, I need to get up. It’s my mom.” I saw him walk over to the door and his mom just so happened to be there. He said, “Oh, hey, Mama.”

His mom said to him, “Well, hello there, my sweet little boy.” She ruffled up his hair. “You took your medicine like Mommy said, right, Ry-Ry?” Right...for the depression, bipolar, anxiety and panic attacks...and I think that’s it. I feel bad for how much he has to take. I really do. But what can I do about it? Exactly. There’s nothing I can do about it.

He nodded. “Yes, Mama. I took my meds...even the sleep medicine.” I heard him whisper, “And that one thing for...you know.”

“Good. I knew you weren’t sleeping very well lately, so I thought that would help,” she replied. 

Ryan kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks, Mama.”

“You’re welcome, Ry-Ry. Hope you can sleep better tonight.” She left it at that and left to get ready for bed. He closed the door, walked back over to his bed and curled up to me. I turned out the light and held him close to my body, making sure he knew that he was safe.

He said to me, “I’m sorry you had to see me...you know...like that earlier.”

I replied, “Babe, it’s fine. Don’t apologize. Be glad that it was only me and not in front of your mom or anybody.” He got up to go change into some light and more comfortable clothes and then came back. I felt something that was really soft and ended just at his knees...and it was just a really long shirt or a nightgown or something like that. I ran my fingers up his thighs and discovered that he wasn’t wearing anything underneath it. I giggled. “Looks like you’re not wearing anything underneath this...easier access for me, I’m guessing.”

Ryan laughed softly. “Hey, I like being comfortable. I can’t have things constricting me all day.” 

I kissed his cheek. “I know, babe. I was just fuckin’ with ya.” I got up and tucked him in. “I’ll let you sleep, Roo. I know you’re tired.”

He smiled lightly. “Okay, Beeboo. You get some sleep too.” I kissed his forehead and then his nose, feeling his cheeks get hotter and hearing his heart beating faster. 

I whispered, “Bonne nuit, ma petite biche. Je t’aime. Tu coucherai mieux ce soir, comprends?”

Ryan replied, “Je t’aime aussi, mon cheri. Je coucherai mieux ce soir.” Damn, he sounds so cute speaking in foreign tongue. We gave each other a goodnight kiss and I went to my room to sleep.

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

I’m trying to sleep, but I’ve got so much on my mind right now...mainly worrying about any word of what happened between Mr. Steele and me getting around the school. I know K wouldn’t do that...she’s too good to do that. I decided to text her a little bit to see if she was up. Obviously she was, considering that she doesn’t really get a lot of sleep all the time. I texted her:

Hey, you still up?

I waited for a reply back. She replied with:

Yeah, I’m still up. What do you need?

I typed out: Nothing really… Shit. I know that she knows that something’s up.

RyRoo, I know you’re still worried about me telling someone about you and Mr. Steele.

Yeah...I kinda am. You didn’t tell anyone, did you?

No. I didn’t tell ANYONE. Your secret’s safe with me. I didn’t even tell Nicki or Grace.

 

Good. They don’t need to know anyway. I didn’t tell Brent or Spencer either...and not even Brendon. Fuck, I know one of them will find out sooner or later...and then that’ll make me look like I’m a fucking slut.

Trust me, Ro. You’re NOT a slut. There’s nothing wrong with having a crush on your teacher. Everyone has a crush on at least one of their teachers. It’s completely normal. Seriously though. I didn’t tell anyone about what you told me. I would never do that to you.

Thanks, Koon. Knew I could count on you. You’re a great friend.

Hey, it’s no problem! I’m gonna go get some sleep. You get some sleep too now, you hear me?

Yes, I hear you. Brendon and my mom told me the same thing.

Well, you’re gonna hear it from me again. Lol.

Okay...night, Koon. See you in Quinzel’s tomorrow.

I left my phone alone and on the charger for the rest of the night as I tried to get some sleep. Hopefully I won’t wake up in the middle of the night like I have been lately. I knew that there was one thing that could also help me sleep...and all I had to do was keep the noise down. I began rubbing all over myself, moaning softly at the soft feeling of my hands and the tingles that came with it. So glad I chose this over some shorts because access would be more difficult. I bit into my blanket to keep the noise to a minimum as I continued to touch myself. I closed my eyes, imagining that Brendon’s touching me...then imagining him entering me as I stuck a finger inside of myself. Of course, just the thought of doing the do with him made me very close. I thought about him spanking me and that alone made me climax. It felt really good...and it made my eyelids get very heavy, helping me sleep. I didn’t care if I was still wet and sticky. My body just feels so warm...I decided to just do it again, making myself come a lot and automatically go to sleep. It feels so good...like when you can’t hold it in anymore and you just let it out. 

I still feel very full, but I don’t feel like getting up to go to the bathroom. Whatever. I can hold it until I can’t and decide to just get up. I realized that wasn’t a smart idea, so I just got up and went before going back to sleep. It didn’t take me long to get to sleep again because I was still feeling woozy. This day was hectic and I just want it to end. I decided to not let anything bother me, falling into a deep sleep. The dream I had was so weird, but oddly erotic.

 

*The next morning*

 

*Brendon’s POV*

 

“Hey, Roo. Get up,” I said quietly as I tried to wake my boyfriend up. Turns out that he didn’t even wake up at all. I know he’s not dead, so that’s good. I went downstairs to tell his mom. “Danielle, there’s something up with Ryan.”

She asked, “What’s wrong with him?”

I said to her, “He’s refusing to wake up and he won’t get out of bed at all. He’s still sleeping. Do you know what that’s all about?”

Danielle sighed. “Brendon...Ryan has severe depression, as well as being bipolar, having anxiety and panic attacks, and a few other issues.” She asked me, “Did he have a panic attack yesterday? If so, how bad was it?”

I gulped. “He did have a panic attack yesterday. It was so bad he threw up and then passed out not too long after. I was going to call you yesterday, but I knew you were working and I didn’t want to stress you out about Ryan.”

She replied, “Okay...I’ve seen both of those things happen to him before. I know he took his meds yesterday….I don’t know why he would have one that extreme.”

“So he’ll probably have to stay home, right?”

“Yes, he’ll have to. If he’s refusing to wake up and get out of bed, he needs to take a mental health day as well as maybe a physical health day. If you want to stay with him until he’s better, I’ll call the school and say you two needed a mental health day.”

I nodded. “Sure. Thank you so much, Danielle.”

Danielle said, “It’s not a problem, Brendon. Mental health comes before school.” She hugged me. “Now you just relax and take the day off.” It’s great that I get to take the day off from school, and the best part is that Ryan gets to take the day off too. Well...I do understand why Ryan has to take mental health days as well as physical health days. I thought about going back to his room to try waking him up again, but my mind told me to just leave him alone and that he’ll wake up eventually. I just went to the basement to see Ryan down there. He looked like he was writing or something, so I sat down next to him, making sure he saw me and didn’t jump.

“Hey there, baby. Nice to see that you’re up.”

Ryan looked over from his journal and laptop at me. He asked me in a confused tone, “Yeah, I’m up. Where did you get the idea that I wouldn’t be, Brendon?”

I explained to him, “I tried to wake you up earlier, but you just flat-out refused to get up. I was getting worried about you. That’s all.” I took his hand and held it. I sighed. “Ry, I need to ask you something, so I need you to be honest with me.” He shrugged and rolled his eyes. I asked him in the most sensitive way I could, “Are you feeling okay?”

 

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

 

I can’t believe that Brendon would think that I wasn’t being honest with him. There are just things that are best left alone, but he’ll keep pushing and pushing until I just spit it out. I literally just hid my face so I couldn’t look at him. Brendon just kept on pushing me.

“Roo, just answer my question. I’m not gonna be mad at you or yell at you. Just be honest with me.”

I took a swig of the water I had on the table and swallowed before looking at him again. I flat-out said, “No, I’m not okay, Boo. I’m not o-fucking-kay. Is that what you wanted to hear out of me so you can just put your mind to rest?”

Brendon scooted closer to me and pulled me into a tight embrace, knowing from my stance that I was about to start crying. He whispered, “Thank you for being honest with me, sweetie. I needed you to be honest with me so I can help you. I don’t like it when you hide from me.” 

I replied, “You just wanted me to tell you what’s going on with me?” He nodded. I brushed my hair out of my face and sighed. “What if I were to tell you that certain things are not to be discussed so you don’t leave me?”

His expression changed real quick. He asked me in an angry tone, “What’s that supposed to mean, Ryan? What are you fucking hiding from me?” I scooted away and hid my face in a pillow. Brendon grabbed me by my shirt, growling in my ear. “Answer me, dammit! You fucking hide shit from me and I hate it when you do that! Just spit it out and I will not leave you. Just tell me!”

I yelled, “Okay, Brendon! You fucking asked for this, so I’ll tell you straight up.” I calmed myself down. “Mr. Steele and I were talking yesterday while I was helping him with some things. He saw me break down in front of him and he tried to calm me down.” I blushed just thinking about it. “That man...fuck...he’s like daddy material to the bone. He literally made me get all hot and bothered...and then I thought about how you’d react to it if I told you. I felt terrible for doing that.” I started crying. “There, Brendon. Happy?” He just started laughing. I asked him, “What’s so funny? Why are you laughing?”

Brendon tried to pull himself together. “That’s what you were hiding from me?” I nodded, sobbing because I’m so ashamed of myself. He hugged me and comforted me. “Ryan...I know you have a crush on Mr. Steele. I’m not gonna leave you because of that. That’s stupid.” 

I sniffled. “Th-That’s nice to know you won’t leave me because of what I told you.” I breathed a sob. “I thought you’d get all mad and leave me...then I’d have to go to drastic measures.”

He looked at me shocked. Brendon knows what I mean when I say that I would go to drastic measures. He said quietly, “Roo, don’t you dare kill yourself. I won’t have it, Spencer and Brent sure as fuck wouldn’t, your friends wouldn’t want you to do that….nobody would want you to kill yourself! Not even Ari, though she’s a fucking bitch to all of us.” He asked me, “You wouldn’t want your mom and dad to find their own son’s blood and brains splattered all over the wall, in bed and not waking up, or hanging from a rope in your closet, would you?” I shook my head. Brendon continued, “Okay. If you keep using that, I’ll have to tell your counselor and he’ll have to get you admitted to a mental hospital.”

I screamed, “NO! I DON’T WANT THAT!” I started sobbing and shaking. “I had to go to that hospital for trauma because my dad almost broke a bottle of whiskey over my head. I had a panic attack so fucking bad that I almost had a stroke. Remember that?” 

Brendon nodded. “Yeah. I remember that. Freshman year. You had to stay there for a little over three months because of that.” He continued, “You were fortunate to get all caught up so you didn’t have to repeat freshman year.”

I glared at him. “I’m a damn genius, Brendon. You know that. They sent me the work and everything while I was there. I got that work done in a little over a month so I didn’t have to stress about it later.” I smiled. “The doc I had was a cutie. He looked like Slavic, but with black hair. Plus the male nurse I had was really cute too.” I giggled.

He smirked. “Oh, I know that you got a crush on Slavic too. I can tell just by the way you look at him, the way you talk to him...the whole bit.” 

I blushed. “Brendon! You know I love you.” He pounced on top of me and began sucking my neck, making me moan quietly. He lifted up my shirt and planted kisses down to my stomach and jokingly started dry humping me. I went into a fit of giggles and squeals as he continued to dry hump me. Brendon got to a certain area where I’m the most sensitive at and I let out a moan. “B-Brennie...mmmmmhhhh...you’re getting a little too close...sh-shit…” We stopped when we heard my dad coming down the stairs. I started writing again in my journal, trying to make it not look suspicious. My dad came down to the basement and I said, “Hey there, Dad.”

My dad asked, “What’re you two doin’ down here? Aren’t ya supposed t’be in school right now, Ro?”

Brendon explained, “George, we’re taking a mental health day. Danielle said it was for the best that we do.”

“Why’s that, Ro?” he asked me.

I sighed. “Dad...I had a very bad panic attack yesterday. I don’t even remember what happened, but all I know was that it was really bad.”

He nodded as if to say he understands. “Ro, why didn’t you call your mom or me?”

I replied, “Because I was out cold. I don’t remember what happened. All I remember was that I was in band and then I passed out.” I continued, “Brendon tried calling both of you...but Mama was at work and I think you were probably sleeping or something.”

My dad hugged me. “Ro...I’m sorry that happened. It’s my fault you have those episodes...that you have to take all that medication so you won’t come unglued and kill somebody. I wish I could’ve done something about it...but I didn’t, and that kills me. That I can’t help my own son because he’s afraid of me.”

I sighed. “Dad, you wouldn’t be able to do much anyway. Plus it’s not your fault at all that I am the way I am. It’s genetic...and I just somehow got all that shit handed to me.” I can’t go to that hospital again. I don’t want to...but all I do is fall apart.


	8. "My heart is breaking, but there's no use crying."

It was kind of funny that I didn’t see Brendon yesterday in oceanography. Guess he just took the day off. Well, enough about that. You may know who I am, but I don’t know if I ever got to actually explain who I am. I’m Patrick. I’m a junior like Brendon, Ryan, Spencer and Brent. I play guitar in the band, sing tenor in choir, and I keep myself busy a lot. Mr. Slavic’s teacher aide Pete seems to really like me. Not just as a friend...I mean that he really likes me. I think I might like Pete too. He’s usually really cold towards most people, but he’s really nice to me. I got myself ready for another day at school...just glad I have band today. The thing that bugs me is that I didn’t get in honor band this year, which really sucks. I’m still beating myself up over it. I’ll try to talk to Mr. Slavic and ask him why I didn’t get in. I know that sounds really stupid, but at least I’ll get to know why and see what I can improve on.

My mom called, “Patrick! Come get breakfast before you leave!”

I called back, “Coming, Mom!” As usual, my dad’s at work early, so I don’t get to see him. I got some cereal and decided to eat it because hey, I’m starving. I finished up soon after and got up to clean up after myself and then go brush my teeth. I got all my stuff for today and went back to kiss my mom on the cheek. “I’m going now, Mom. Love you.”

“You have a good day at school, Patrick.”

I went outside and put my stuff in my car before starting it up and backing out of the driveway on my way to school. I drove over to my parking spot and saw that Pete was standing outside with two hot cups of coffee from Starbucks, I’m assuming. I met up with him and said shyly, “Heya, Pete.”

Pete smiled warmly. “Hey there, my shy little nerd boy.” I blushed from his response. He offered me the other cup of coffee. “Here. Got this for you. Heard you liked mocha and hazelnut together, so I got you that.” 

I took the cup gladly. “Thank you, Pete. I’ll be sure to pay you back somehow!”

“Nah, don’t worry about it, ‘Tricky,” he said as he took my hat off and ruffled my hair. Pete added, “Besides, I could tell that not a lot of people are very nice to you. I feel your pain.”

I asked, “Really? You know how it feels?”

Pete nodded. “Of course I do. I know how you feel. People weren’t nice to me mostly for different reasons, but I know how you feel.” We walked into the school and to where Pete usually hangs out at, which is a desolate area that’s basically reserved for just the outcasts. I carefully put my things down and sat down on the floor next to Pete. He said, “Patrick, I want you to meet a few of my friends.” I looked over to see a guy with black moppy hair, a skinny guy with long lanky legs and glasses, a tiny girl with bright red hair, and a cute gay couple. He introduced me to them. “Guys, this is Patrick.”

I gulped. “H-Hello…” I squeaked and hid in Pete’s jacket sleeve.

“Oh, don’t mind him. He’s shy.”

The guy with the black moppy hair said, “I’m Gerard, and this is my brother Mikey.” The skinny guy with the lanky legs and glasses waved at me.

The tiny girl giggled. “I’m Hayley! Remember me? Like, ohmigod, it’s so nice to meet you officially, Patrick! I haven’t seen you in forever.” The couple seemed to be getting real cuddly, which didn’t bother me at all. I cleaned off my glasses and then put them back on.

I asked, “Hey, Hayley, who’re those two? I’ve never seen them before.”

“Oh, that’s Max and Eren!”

I said to them, “Hey there, Max and Eren...I’m Patrick.” I saw that they weren’t paying attention, so I just curled up and drank my coffee in a corner. I don’t know if it’s true, but I think that Pete might want to date me or something. It’s just the way he looks at me...the way he talks to me...how nice he is to me. It’s obvious that he really likes me.

Mikey noticed that I wasn’t talking very much. He asked me, “Hey, are you feeling okay, ‘Trick? You’re really quiet.”

Hayley said, “Oh, he’s always been like that, Mike. Just give him some time to warm up.”

Pete answered for me, “Patrick’s just really shy...and it’s hard for him to warm up to new people.”

Eren comforted me. “I can relate to ya, ‘Trick.”

Max added, “Yeah...it’ll take time. We’re not impatient.” He added, “I mean, that’s kind of why we’re basically the outcasts here.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I wouldn’t say that I’m an outcast...people just don’t like me.”

Eren gasped. “Why would you say that?! Of course people would like you!”

“It’s because I’m that short fat nerd with a hat all the time.”

Hayley shook her head. “No, you’re not! You are not fat, Patrick. You’re just big boned! That’s all.”

Pete chuckled. “You’re so fuckin’ cute, Pat.” I blushed angrily. I hate being called “Pat” because it sounds too much like “Fat”. He asked me, “What’s the matter? Don’t like that nickname?”

I shook my head. “It sounds like you’re calling me ‘fat’. I don’t like it. I’m fine with ‘Trick, but ‘Pat’ is not okay with me.”

“Oh...I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

I sighed. “It’s fine, Pete. I’m not mad at you. You just didn’t know.” I got up to throw my now empty cup away. I said, “A lot of people just don’t like me because I’m not good enough for anything.”

Pete replied, “Oh, c’mon, ‘Trick! You’re totally good enough for stuff. You just gotta find what you’re good at. That’s all!”

I said, “It’s not that easy, Pete. Really.”

Gerard gave me a pat on the back. “Aaawww, cheer up. You’ll find your shtick. Promise.” He asked me, “What is it that you like doing?”

I replied shyly, “I like music. I love music so much...I want to start a band when I grow up. That’s all I want to do with my life. Nothing else.” I sighed. “But the thing that’s been really bumming me out is that I got into honor choir, but not honor band. Honor choir’s fun and everything, but I’ve never gotten a taste of honor band. One of my friends got in, but I didn’t...that’s because he’s really talented, unlike me. I’m not cut out for honor anything.”

Mikey said, “Oh, you’re talking about Ryan Ross? He’s amazing.”

Pete scoffed. “Yeah, but he’s a real fuckin’ handful. Surprised that his group of friends can deal with him and all his problems.” I got up and walked away. Pete asked me, “Yo! Where you goin’?”

I answered coldly, “I’m going to go talk to Mr. Slavic.” He went after me. I asked him, “What’s your deal with me, Pete?”

He replied, “Patrick, it wouldn’t be a good idea to go ask him about why you didn’t get in honor band. I know you really wanted to get in, but you didn’t, and I’m sorry you didn’t get in. He didn’t mess up your audition; you did.” I pushed him off of me and walked briskly away from him. Pete just so happened to be up on the staircase by his room by the time I got close to the stairs.

I asked him, “What the fudge is your deal with me, Pete?! Do I look like a plump roast to you?”

Pete laughed. “You’re so cute when you’re mad, nerd boy.” He added, “Like that G-rated bad word you used instead of fuck. Such an innocent little nerd boy. I bet if your mommy found out you said a bad word, she’d give you a little spankin’.”

I got all flustered. “N-No! It’s not that! I just don’t really like to cuss all that much! You understand, right?” I added, “And stop calling me ‘nerd boy’.” I sighed. “I’m going to go talk to Mr. Slavic real quick. I’m not going to scream at him or anything...because that’s not me.”

He face-palmed at me and groaned. “Patrick...I already told you why.”

I insisted, “No, I want to hear it from him.” I went into Mr. Slavic’s room to see him with Ryan. I said to him, “Hey there, Mr. Slavic.”

The young music teacher perked up and replied, “Oh hey there, Tricks! What do ya need?”

I gulped. “I kind of need to ask you about something...and I know you’re busy, so I’ll make it quick.”

Mr. Slavic asked, “Well, what do you need to ask me? I got another student I’m seeing right now, but I’m more than willing to answer what you need to ask me.”

I asked, “Mr. Slavic...about honor band...I just wanted to know how I can improve and why I didn’t get in this year. I’ve been bummed out about it.”

He knelt down to my level...knowing how short I am compared to him. His blue-green eyes are really pretty though. Mr. Slavic sighed. “Patrick, the reason why you didn’t get into honor band this year was because there weren’t enough spots. That’s why. It wasn’t because your audition was bad. It was fantastic! I was tryin’ to fight to get you in with Ross-a-Roo there, but they wouldn’t budge.”

I sighed in relief. “Oh, that’s a relief. Your assistant said that it was because I was ‘too stiff and too focused on not messing up the song’.”

Mr. Slavic laughed and shook his head. “Naahhh! You weren’t too stiff at all. What you need is to relax and let the music flow through you in your own way. I know you got it in ya, Patrick.” He stood up. “If you ever need any pointers, come in anytime you want. I’ll be more than happy to give you some.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

“It’s not a problem. Anytime.” I left his classroom in a better mood and off to my first class, which is that Zakowski...at least he got fired. I’m so happy he did. We have a new teacher now, and she’s really cool. Her name is Miss Steele, but we call her “Hollie” because that’s what she prefers to be called. She’s fresh out of college, but that doesn’t matter. At least she’s a lot nicer.

 

*Mr. Slavic’s POV*

 

Having some extra hands around the band room really helps, especially when it’s Ryan. He’s such a wonderful person. I should consider myself lucky that I know someone like him. Every time I look at him, I see his mother, but his father? Not so much. Okay, enough of that. I saw that he already put all the stands up, the chairs were all out, and basically everything that I needed done was all in his hands. He came over to me, his gorgeous hazel eyes gleaming.

“I got everything you needed taken care of, Nick.”

I smiled. “Why thank you, my little Ross-a-Roo. That really helps.” That’s always been my nickname for him ever since he was little. I’m the only one besides his mother who calls him that, but I make sure to keep it as private as I can. I don’t want the school getting suspicious. I had him sit down by my desk and talked with him for a little while. I asked him, “So...how has your morning been so far, Ryan? A little bit better than the other day?”

Ryan shrugged. “A little. I had to stay home yesterday because of what happened...plus, I needed the mental health day anyway.”

I nodded. “I get that. Sometimes I need to take a mental health day too.” I sighed. “Y’know, Roo...I’ve been waiting until you were a little older to tell you this. Now, I don’t want any word of it to get around, okay? Not to your friends, your boyfriend, your classmates, your other teachers, nobody. Understand?” He nodded as if to say he understands. I said to him, “Ryan, I have something very similar to what you have, but not as extreme. I know you’re bipolar, suffer from depression and anxiety, and have panic attacks...maybe a form of PTSD as well.” 

“What are you trying to tell me, Nick? I’m a little confused.”

I knew I had to cut to the chase. I said bluntly, “Ryan, I wanted to tell you that I have all of what you do too. I also had very abusive parents. I lived with my uncle and his husband, having them raise me.” I sighed shakily, combing my fingers through my red hair. “My mom and dad...they did horrible things to me. My dad of course did all the physical damage to me, and my mom did all the emotional and mental damage. There was a time where CPS got involved and I was taken away from them and put in a foster home until my uncles came and took me as their own.”

Ryan was at a loss for words. “Oh my god...Nick, are you serious right now?”

“As serious as serious can get, Roo.” I began to tear up as I continued to tell him what I went through. “I wanted to kill myself just like you do! I was put in a mental hospital and put on suicide watch for months...that’s how bad I wanted out of here.” I said to him with tears in my eyes, “Ryan...I know you were in that same exact hospital I was at. I think that’s where we met...or I think I might be thinking about someone else.”

He asked, “When was that?”

I answered, “That was when I was still in high school...just like you. I was around the same age as you when you went in there. Fifteen years old. I tried to kill myself by overdosing on some sleep medicine that I had to help with my insomnia that I still have to this day. Obviously that didn’t work. My uncle’s husband found me about to swallow the pills and wash it all down with a tall glass of milk and he put me in there.”

Ryan started tearing up too. “Nick...you’ve always been the greatest person to me! If I found out you killed yourself, it would break my heart. You’re like the older brother I wish I had. I know I have an older brother, but he had a lot of nerve coming to that show and acting like he knew who I was!” I pulled him into an embrace. “Nobody’s ever treated me as kindly as you have. You’re the first man other than Brendon and my friends who treated me like I was worth something.”

I wiped away his tears. “You know that I will always be here for you, Ryan. For anything. If you and Brendon ever needed somewhere to go because your dad decides to go apeshit, call me. I will protect you both from him. That goes for Spencer and Brent too. That’s what I tell all of my students.” I looked him dead in the eyes and said, “Ryan, I love you very much...not in the creepy way, of course, but I love you.” 

He blushed. “N-Nick...I...I-I don’t know what to say...umm...I love you too.” I took him over to the closet and closed the door, holding him close to me. Ryan asked me confused, “Nick, what are we doing in the closet?”

I smirked. “Oh, Ryan, you’re so naïve. That’s adorable.” I whispered in his ear, “I know you have a crush on me, my sweet little dove. I can just tell by the way you look at me...the way you act around me too...the deep emotional bond we have.” I added, “That history teacher of yours is a hottie, isn’t he?”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah...he really is. What, do you like him too?”

I replied, “And what if I say yes?”

“Then I won’t feel like I’m alone.”

My hands went up and down his body, tracing his unique figure. “Oh, Ryan...I have the hots for Aiden too. My god...I can barely sit through a meeting with him, let alone be in the same classroom with just him. No students...no other teachers...just the two of us.” I whispered, “My, my, you have a very exquisite figure on you. Must be from your mother. It’s not very often I find a young man with a curvy body like yours.” 

I trailed a hand down to below his stomach and made him shakily moan as I found sensitive areas around that part of his body. He moaned out quietly. “Nick...I have a boyfriend...but this feels nice...big brother.”

I blushed at his response. “U-Ummm...Ryan, I don’t...I don’t think you should be calling me that right now.” I added quietly, “We’ll get caught.” I looked at how soft and plump his lips are as I lightly squeezed his hips, pursing my lip. I pulled him into another embrace, letting him know that he was safe. Ryan buried his face in my shirt and started crying again, harder this time. I asked him, “What’s the matter, Ryan? Are you okay?”

Ryan sniffled. “N-N-No…N-Nick…” 

I tried my best to wipe away his tears, but they wouldn’t stop falling. “Ryan...what’s going on? You wanna talk about it?” He shrugged. I whispered, “It’d be better if you talked about it. Don’t hold it in. You have a very bad habit of doing that.”

He breathed in a sob. “I-I was so scared of telling Brendon about what happened between me and Aiden...I thought he was gonna get mad and leave me!”

I held him closer. “Oh, Roo...that’s why you’re crying so hard? I’m sure you didn’t do much with Aiden.”

Ryan shook his head, silently gasping for air. “All we did was talk...and he kissed me on the cheek and on the forehead, but that was it.” He added, “Nothing sexual.”

“Well, I already knew that, Roo. You’re saving yourself for Brendon, and that’s fine,” I replied gently. “It’s gonna be okay. I won’t tell anyone.” I opened the closet door and walked out of there, taking him to behind my desk to comfort him some more. I whispered, “Take a few deep breaths.” I squeezed his hands, but nothing was working. He just kept coughing out sobs. I let him hide his face so nobody would see him in tears. “Just let it out...cry it out. It’s okay.” 

I held him close to my body until he stopped crying. When I knew that he was done, I wiped away the last of his tears. Ryan said gently, “Sorry about that, Nick. I didn’t mean to break down like that.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “Ryan, never apologize for expressing your emotions. Your mother and father taught you that.” I added, “Besides, you needed to let it out anyway.” I took off his pageboy hat and ruffled up his hair. I cleared my throat. “Here’s this analogy that I was told a long time ago. It may be funny to you, but it’s true. I think you may have heard it before. Holding in your emotions and feelings is like holding in your pee for long periods of time. It’s not good for you. Eventually, you’ll break out of nowhere and once that happens, there’s no stopping it. Just like if you hold in your pee for too long, you’ll eventually pee your pants.” He started giggling. I smiled. “I’m serious, Ryan. You may think it’s funny, but you know what? It’s true.” 

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, that’s true...not like that didn’t happen to me a bunch of times before.”

“Oh, it happens to everybody at least once in their lives. Mostly to small children and some of the elderly, but it happens to everyone.” I blushed. “If it makes you feel any better, I still have accidents sometimes...and I’m not that much older than you. It’s a long story.” Ryan comforted me, understanding the embarrassment I feel. I gave him a good pat on the back. “Now...the next time you need someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on if nobody else is there, whatever the case may be, you can always come to me. I’m always available...except for those days where I take mental health days.” I looked into his eyes. “I love you, Ryan. I love you very much. I want the best for you, and nothing more or less. You’re a smart, talented, creative, and a very beautiful young man. I know you’ll make your mom and dad proud to have you as their son, all the friends and peers and teachers you have will be grateful to be graced with your charm, and your boyfriend is so happy to have you in his life. I’m happy to have met you. If we didn’t meet, I don’t know what would’ve happened to you or to me.”

He looked at me wide-eyed. “Nick, are you…”

I answered for him, “Yes, Ry. I’m serious. I would never lie to you.” I continued, “I love you very much. Everyone does. Even those people who give you shit for being who you are.” I said to him lowly, “Ryan, I want you to promise me this...whatever obstacles you face in life, big or small, do not resort to committing suicide. You will go back to that mental hospital and you will be put on suicide watch until you’re not posing a threat to yourself. Do you understand me?”

Ryan nodded. “Y-Yes, Nick. I understand...I just go through those episodes sometimes...it’s nothing, really.”

I nodded. “Good. Glad you understand. I understand that you go through those episodes, Ryan. Trust me. I go through them too.” I sighed. “I had a student who was a lot like you...that was when I first started teaching here, at the young age of nineteen. I graduated early, if you wanted to know. I graduated as a junior. I was the youngest in my graduating class. Anyway...I met this student, and she was a lot like you. You know what her name was?” Ryan shook his head. I continued, “Her name was Ryleigh. She didn’t have a lot of friends, nobody really cared about her or her well-being, and I was the only one who took the time to care for her. Now, I didn’t take care of her or anything. She was in foster care because her parents were deep into drugs and were very abusive and negligent of her.” I started tearing up again. “She had enough of all the bullying and how I was the only person who cared about her, so she hung herself in that closet.” I motioned over to the closet that I don’t use at all.

Ryan asked, “Wait...how did she get in here? How did nobody see that?”

I answered, “I honestly don’t know how she got in here. All I know was that I found her in that closet hanging by her neck and I just got driven to absolute hysteria and insanity. I had to go home early and had Miss Quinzel teach my class for the rest of the day...that scarred me so much. Whenever a student talks about killing themselves, it kills me inside.” 

Ryan said, “I would never do that to you, Nick. Ever.”

“Sure about that?”

He nodded. “Yes. I’m sure of it.” He gulped. “I really don’t want to go back to that hospital...it was horrible. I couldn’t have any visitors...the only people I saw were cute male nurses...and I was sleeping on a bed with plastic sheets.” Ryan narrowed his eyes. “It was because I wet the bed so many times. I refused to use the pans that they gave me.” He clenched his fists. “I’m not going back there ever again, Nick, and you know it. I don’t want that.”

I sighed. “Roo, I don’t want you to go back there either, but if I hear about you trying to kill yourself or planning out a suicide attempt again, you’re going back there. I’ve been in and out of there quite a few times because of that and some trauma. I know that you don’t want to go back to that place. If you stick it out through the end of your senior year and long enough to get that band thing going that you want to do so much, I promise you that you will succeed at so many things that you want to do with your life. If you kill yourself, you won’t be able to accomplish anything.” 

He sighed. “I know, Nick. I know. I’m the one who’s being a selfish and whiny little bitch.”

My eyes narrowed at him. “Ryan...that image you have for yourself isn’t good. You’re not being selfish by expressing your feelings! You’re not whining when you tell someone about what you’re going through! There is a huge difference between selfishness and self-care. Being selfish is when you put your wants above others’ needs. Self-care is when you put your needs above others’ wants. I need you to get that negativity out of your head and realize that it’s okay to take care of yourself. Trust me. It’s perfectly fine to take some time for yourself.”

Ryan said quietly, “Okay, Nick...I understand. I’m sorry I said anything.” For some reason, Autumn decided to come in. Ryan perked up and said in surprise, “Oh! Miss Quinzel! I didn’t know you were coming in here…” Autumn was wearing another unusual outfit like she usually does. She's a little bit younger than I am, so I’m not surprised.

I acknowledged her. “Hello there, Autumn. How are you today?”

She fixed her multi-colored ponytails. She replied in her New Yorker accent, “I’m okay. How about you, Nick?”

I replied, “Pretty well. Just was talking with my friend Danielle’s son Ryan.” I took her aside to speak with her alone and quiet enough to where Ryan couldn’t hear. I said to her quietly, “Autumn, Ryan needs someone else to bring him up. I think he would like it if you did.”

Autumn nodded. “Okay, sure! Why not?” She went over to Ryan and sat down next to him. She said, “Hey there, Ryan. You feeling okay, sweetie?”

Ryan shrugged. “I don’t even know anymore...sorry I missed your class yesterday, Miss Quinzel. I just needed to take a mental health day...and I didn’t want to get out of bed.”

“Hey, mental health comes first. I totally understand. Your mom emailed me,” she said to him. Autumn continued, “Ryan, if you ever need someone to talk to and Nick isn’t around or your friends are unavailable, you can always come to me. I know you feel safer around us than most people. Just come to me if you need anything, ‘kay? Even if you just need a woman to talk to.” She added, “Oh, and by the way, honor choir rehearsal is today after school. You’ve got the first tenor part, and Brendon already knows he has baritone. Get yourself nourished today.”

Ryan blushed. “Okay, Miss Quinzel. I will.”

She giggled. “Oh, you can call me Autumn! Don’t be so formal.”

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

I don’t know why everyone’s so concerned about me all of a sudden. Was it because of the panic attack the other day, or is it just because they feel bad for me? Whatever the case is, I’m not too comfortable with it. I couldn’t sit through yet another class with Mr. Steele. My god, that man really knows how to make everyone weak in the knees, I’ll tell you that. All of what happened the other day kind of makes me paranoid. I know it didn’t get around the school, so that’s good. After class got out, I put the books away and went to band, confused and torn. I don’t want my teachers to fight over me like I’m a juicy slab of meat. There were the two girls I didn’t want to deal with outside of the band room. I asked them, “What do you two want with me now?”

Helena said, “We just wanted to apologize for how we acted towards you the other day. It wasn’t right of us to do.”

I wasn’t going to buy their cheap apologies. I replied coldly, “Bullshit. You’re just saying that so you don’t get in trouble.” I turned to Z, who was wearing skimpy clothes like usual. “Oh, by the way, Elizabeth, I heard that Playboy is looking for a fresh and tight teen girl hungry for black dick. I think you’ll be a great addition to the Playmates.” I added to Helena, “Oh! I think they’re looking for skinny bitches like you too.”

Elizabeth gasped. “Ryan! You’re being so mean! What did I ever do to you?”

“Let me tell ya, slut. You’ve been the biggest bitch to me since day one. You’re only popular because you gave one of the teachers back at your old school head under the bleachers, and gave handjobs and blowjobs to every single boy who was interested,” I said to her. I continued, “Then you proceed to make people like me feel bad for being who we really are, and you almost drove me over the edge...I almost killed myself because of you.” I laughed. “Oh, honey, by the age of nineteen, you’re gonna be a used-up burlap sack that nobody would want to fuck anymore because you’ll be so loose that it’s like throwing a cucumber down the hallway.” I smiled. “Probably explains why you’re so jealous of me, sweetheart.”

Those two ran off, obviously scared of me now. That’s what people get when they try to mess with me. They’ll get the horns. I heard my name, Brendon’s name, Brent’s name, and Spencer’s name get called on the loudspeaker to come down to the office. That was when I went into full-blown panic. I rarely ever get called down to the office. Even if it’s for something small, I get all panicky. I went down to the office and saw that they were already there. Brendon asked me, “What’d you get called down here for?”

I panicked. “I-I don’t know, Brendon! I don’t know why I got called down here!” I started hyperventilating. “I’m gonna be sick…”

Spencer comforted me. “Ryan, calm down. I’m sure it’s nothing bad. Breathe. You’re gonna be fine. We’re all gonna be fine. Don’t worry about it.” Turns out that our counselors were wanting us in this room with our parents. Spencer looked at me wide-eyed. “Oh shit...what’re they doing here?”

Brent shrugged. “This should be a blast...my god.”

I started hyperventilating again. “I didn’t do anything wrong! None of us did anything wrong! We shouldn’t even be here!” I looked up at my counselor, whose name is Mr. Matthews. I asked him, “Mr. Matthews, why did you call us all down here? Are we in trouble for something?”

Mr. Matthews said, “Ryan, you’re not in trouble, and neither are your friends. What I called you all down here for is for a very serious matter.”

Brendon said sharply, “If it’s because of my sorry excuses for parents, I’m out! I don’t even want to talk to them!” I automatically went over to my mom, having her console me. Brendon looked over at me. “Ryan, you look like you’re about to piss yourself, throw up, or pass out. Let’s go.”

Mr. Matthews replied, “Brendon, Ryan, Spencer and Brent, I called you all down here because you four obviously have some problems at home. I’m going to make you do this little exercise...what I want you to do is tell your parents what you’re feeling right now and what you’ve wanted to say to them. Don’t hold back. I’ll make sure that nothing bad happens to any of you.”

Brent smirked. “This should be fun.” He glared at his mom’s boyfriend. “Oh boy, do I have a few bones to pick with you, Rob.” 

“Well, Brent, since you’re so eager to start, you start first.”

We all watched as Brent was cooking up something to say to his mom and her boyfriend. He said to his mom, “Mom, from the moment you gave birth to me, I had no choice but to trust you. I involuntarily put my life into your hands, thinking that you would protect me from any harm that comes my way. A mother is supposed to protect her children, love them, but most importantly, respect them. You have done none of those things.” Brent continued, “My dad would never put his hands on you to hurt you, but you decide to go out with this abusive, sorry excuse for a man? You obviously have lost the self-respect you had. That fucking bastard almost killed me and Blake, and you don’t even give two shits! You know that man could kill you if you let him? What example are you setting for Blake or for me, for that matter?” 

His mom said, “Brent, I am a grown woman and I will choose whoever I want to date.”

Brent yelled. “See, Mom? That’s what I’m talking about! You have lost all the self-respect you had when you met Robert! I wish you never divorced my dad, I wish this man never waltzed on into your life, I wish that you didn’t allow him to abuse Blake and me, and I wish that you didn’t drive me to the point of wanting to kill myself for fucking neglecting me! If you want to have a decent relationship with me, you’re gonna have to make some changes.” He said lowly, “Dump his sorry ass and find a man who won’t beat on you, or you will never see me or Blake again. If you choose to stay with Robert, this will be the last time you’ll ever see me. Choose wisely, Mother. You’ll really regret it if you make the wrong decision.”

Robert said to him, “Y’know, Brent, you’re a fuckin’ spoiled little brat. You act like you’re entitled to everything. You can’t just expect your mom to find somebody else. Life doesn’t work that way.” He added, “I make your mom happy, Brent. Why can’t you see that?”

Brent screamed, “BECAUSE YOU’RE AN ABUSIVE, MANIPULATIVE SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN WHO SHOULD GET HIS BALLS CHOPPED OFF!” He continued, “I will protect my family at any cost. If I hear that you beat on my mom again, I will call the police and have your ass locked up. I’m sick and tired of you, Robert.” Brent’s dad began clapping slowly, stunned by how he handled the situation. He smiled. “Thanks, Dad.” He looked over at me. “You see that, Ryan? That’s how you need to stand up to your old man.”

Mr. Matthews looked at him wide-eyed. “Okay! Ryan, you go next.”

I gulped. “O-Okay…” I faced my dad, the man who I’ve feared for the longest time. I said, “Dad, I never thought that I’d be here in this very room saying this to you, but I’ve kept this held inside for a long time. I hope you listen to me, and listen to me well because I won’t say any of this ever again.” I sighed. “Dad, we used to have a great relationship when I was a kid. Ever since I came out to you and Mama, you’ve completely resented me for being who I am! To top all that off, you turn to your good ol’ friend Jack for ‘guidance’ because you can’t even bear to accept the fact that I’m gay! How do you think that makes me feel? How about Mama?! Do you even take how we feel into consideration?” I almost began to tear up, but I kept the waterworks back. “This is why I don’t talk to you about anything and confide in Mama.” 

My dad asked me calmly, “Ryan, why did you wait until now to tell me this?” He tried to comfort me, but I resisted, trying not to start crying. “How am I supposed to help you if you don’t talk to me, Ro?”

I clenched my fists and breathed in and out shakily. “Because I know how you are! You’ll find any and every reason to blow your top!” I felt my eyes fill with tears. “You fucking broke me, Dad. You don’t do that to your own son, but you found a way to break me into a million pieces. Don’t think that it’s something that you can put a band-aid on.” I got closer to him, about to break down and cry. “Bruises fade. Contusions only happen in that moment. Cuts heal. Scars get lighter overtime. Emotional and mental damage don’t go away. That kind of pain never goes away. You better believe that I have a lot of emotional and mental damage. This is exactly why our relationship has gone to the gutter, Dad.”

“What do you expect me to do?”

I said firmly, “Wake the fuck up, Dad! Realize that because of your actions, I’m not that happy little boy that I used to be.” I let the tears burn my cheeks with all that resentment and anger. I continued, “I can’t fucking sleep at night, and when I do get some sleep, I have these never-ending nightmares. The paranoia I have, you can’t even imagine how bad it is. When nobody’s looking, I break down sobbing because I’m not good enough!” I sighed shakily. “I know you haven’t touched any alcohol in a while, and I’m very proud of you for that. I’m afraid you’re going to end up relapsing and eventually dying, Dad.”

“Son, you know I’m not gonna die anytime soon. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Yes, there is, you imbecile!” I shouted. My dad can be such an idiot sometimes. My voice was intimidating when I said, “You touch one more drop of alcohol, so help me, you’re not going to like what you see. I promise you that.”

Brendon panicked. “Ryan, don’t you dare threaten your own father that you’re going to kill yourself! Don’t you fucking do it! If you try to kill yourself again, you’re going back to the hospital.” I grabbed Brendon by his shirt. He gasped. “H-Hey! What’s gotten into you?”

My response was broken up in sobs. “B-Brendon...don’t...you...fucking leave me. I love you too much to lose you.”

“Babe, I wasn’t saying that I was going to leave you...please don’t think that I’d leave you. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

I sniffled. “S-Sorry, Brendon...I didn’t mean to freak out on you. I guess the one thing you hate about me is that I’m a selfish, whiny little bitch.”

Brendon started crying. “Ryan, that’s not true. I don’t think you’re selfish, I don’t think you whine, and you’re not a bitch!” He looked me in the eyes. “The one thing that scares me about you is the fact that you hide all your feelings and then you end up blowing up at someone and crying like you are right now!” He begged me, “Please, Ryan...I don’t want you to do that anymore. It’s not healthy. I don’t want to lose you. Nobody does.”

I wiped away his tears and smiled. “Brennie...I won’t leave. I promise. I’ll stay here for the sake of everyone else...even if it means that I may have to deal with traumatizing things. There are too many things I want to accomplish in life.”

My dad came up to me and hugged me. “Ro, I love you so much. I’m gonna try to get better for you and your mom. I want to live to see you succeed in life...maybe see my grandkids when it’s time.” He added, “I know you have a lot of hurt, and I can’t fix what I did. All I can do is apologize and hope that one day you’ll forgive me.” He turned me around to face him. “I don’t want you to end your life because of me, Ryan. You’re too young.” 

I hugged my dad. “Dad, you may have hurt me, but I can’t hold a grudge because of that forever. It still hurts me, but I still love you. You’re the only dad I have. I don’t want to lose you. Mama doesn’t want to lose you either.” I said to my mom, “Mama, know that I love you so much. You do so much for me. I mean, you gave birth to me, cared for me when I was too young to walk and talk, and you accept me for being who I was meant to be. Thank you. The only thing that kinda irked me was the fact that you two didn’t tell me that I had older siblings.”

My mom replied, “Ry-Ry, you were way too young to remember them. I didn’t mean to hide that from you until last week. They finally reconnected with us and they wanted to see how much you’ve grown.” 

“I guess that’s not as bad as I thought it was.” I laughed. 

She took me from my dad and coddled me. “But you’re my sweet little baby boy...even when you’re an adult, you’ll still be my baby boy.”

Brent said to his mom, “Yo, Mom, I hope you’re taking notes from Mrs. Ross.”

Mr. Matthews looked over at Brendon and Spencer. “How about you two lead the next exercise?” He explained, “This next exercise has to do with something that you’ve always wanted to say to your parents. It can be as silly or as serious as you want.” He turned to Brendon. “Brendon, what’s something you’ve always wanted to tell your parents?”

He sighed. “Well...Mom, Dad, I hope you’re happy that I’m out of your lives because I’m an atheist.” Brendon brought me over and held me close to him. “By the way, Mom and Dad, Ryan and I moved in together and we’re actually going to get married after we get the whole band thing going.” 

His dad said, “Brendon...you know we still love you, even if you’re an atheist. Even if you’re going to marry Ryan. You’re still going to be my son, no matter how different you are.”

Brendon rolled his eyes. “But you two overreacted when I said that I was an atheist.” I nodded in agreement. He added, “Oh, and I don’t want to move back in. I’m happy with Ryan. His mom treats me like I’m her own. His dad’s actually really cool to me! Ryan is the only person besides Spencer and Brent who makes me feel like I’m worth something.” Brendon hugged me. “Sure he may be emotional and have a lot of baggage, but you know what? That doesn’t matter to me. I love him no matter what. He will continue to be in my life whether you like it or not. End of story.” 

 

 

*Spencer’s POV*

 

I guess it’s my turn to tell my mom and dad something that I’ve been hiding from them for quite some time. I was a little hesitant at first, but I know that it’ll be better if I just told them instead of hiding it. I cleared my throat before saying, “Mom, Dad, I have something that I need to tell you. No, it’s not a phase. This is who I am. Please don’t get mad at me or disown me.” My mom was very understanding, of course, but my dad didn’t seem too keen on it.

“What is it, boy? Spit it out! I don’t have all day,” my dad said.

I was afraid to tell them this...but I know I have to come out. I sighed. “Mom, Dad, I’m…” I finished confidently, “I’m bisexual! I found that I like guys just as much as I like girls...and I’m not afraid to admit that I like both.”

My dad asked confused, “Okay...well...what is being bisexual anyway? Is it like half gay and half straight?”

Brent answered for me. “No, Mr. Smith. Being bisexual isn’t like a chocolate-vanilla swirl. I happen to be bisexual too. Bisexuality is like strawberry ice cream. It’s a new flavor, so to speak. Or, if you’d rather have an analogy not related to food, purple is a separate color from red and blue. You don’t call purple ‘half red, half blue’. It may have more red or more blue, but it’s still purple.” 

I giggled. “I could use a strawberry-chocolate swirl right now, Brentos.”

“We’ll go off-campus in a little bit, Spin.” He jokingly slapped my ass and I playfully punched him in the arm. Brent reassured my parents, “Don’t worry. It’s a bro thing. I do that with Brendon and Ryan too. You wouldn’t understand.” I looked at my mom and dad with worry written all over my face. I’m worried that my parents would disown me or kick me out of their house. Brent asked them, “So...how do you two feel about Spencer coming out?” 

My dad said, “Well, boy, if you like the pole and the hole, I have no reason to hate you because of that. You’re my son and I love you. If you’re bisexual, that’s who you are. I’m not going to change ya, son.” 

I gulped. “Okay...Mom?”

“Spencey, you’re always going to be my little boy. Always. No matter what.”

I smiled, relieved that my parents didn’t go ballistic just from me coming out. I said to them, “Thanks...thank you for understanding. It’s been eating at me for quite some time and I was scared to say anything.” Ryan came up and gave me a hug from behind, then kissing my cheek in a friendly way. I booped his cute little nose and said, “Thanks, Ryro. I knew you would be okay with it.”

Ryan nodded. “Of course I’m okay with it! Why wouldn’t I be? You supported me when I came out as gay.”

“Now I know how you felt, Ry.” 

My mom hugged me. “I already knew, to be completely honest with you, Spencer. It’s just the way you act around your friends...specifically Ryan and Brent.”

I blushed. “Brent and I have a bit of a bromance going on, Mom…” I looked at Ryan without him noticing, licking my lips. I thought, Damn, he’s so fine! Ryan’s got some sweet genes...especially from his mom. Fuck...Brendon’s so lucky. Damn, he has a nice plump ass that I’d love to squeeze. I snapped out of it. “Sorry. Zoned out for a little bit there.” I turned to that counselor guy. “So...can we all go now? Bell’s about to ring.”

Mr. Matthews said, “You all can go now. Hopefully this helped all of you.” To be honest, it kind of did. When we got out to the parking lot, a group of people came up to us high as fuck and in a giggling fit. 

“Yo, what’s up with you guys?” I asked. I looked at them and saw that it was Pete with his friends. I noticed that Patrick wasn’t with them. Well, he’s a good kid. I know he wouldn’t get high. I gasped. “Holy shit! Pete? You get high?”

Pete nodded. “Hell yeah!”

Hayley giggled. “I feel like a bird...heehee!”

Ryan looked at them wide-eyed. “You better hide that stuff before someone narks on you.”

Gerard said, “C’mon, Ry. Who’ll nark on us? We’re the outcasts of this school. Nobody will suspect a thing.”

Brendon replied, “Okay...you guys be careful.” He turned to Brent. “Did you see that? They’re getting high in the parking lot.”

Brent shrugged. “So? You got high in the parking lot plenty of times! I don’t know why that’s such a big deal. If Ryan and Spence would, they’d get high over here too.”

Ryan sighed. “I won’t do marijuana unless it’s for a medical reason.” Now that I think about it, he does puke sometimes...and gets nauseous a lot. I think it’ll help him.

 

 

*That night*

 

*Brent’s POV*

 

I drove home with Spencer in the passenger seat, leaving Ryan’s house (and where Brendon’s living from now on). I peered over at Spencer, who was looking out the window, then I went back to looking at the road. He’s just so feisty but sweet at the same time. I took his hand and held it in mine, which made him blush. I said, “That was a crazy day. Hope our parents wake up.”

He replied, “I think they will.” Spencer added, “Y’know, Brent, I had a pretty interesting dream about you last night.”

I blushed. “Come to think of it, I had a weird dream about you too! Kind of excited me...woke up bathed in sweat and I guess I...you know, all over the bed.” 

Spencer blushed wildly. “Same.”

I asked, “So...ummm...what was I doing in your dream?”

He answered, “You were on your back and...yeah…” Spencer asked me, “What was I doing in yours?”

I replied, “Well...you were dominating me in my dream...I can’t believe I had a wet dream about you.”

Spencer blushed. “I know right? I never knew that I was dominant and submissive.”

“Yeah, neither did I.”

We both just sat in silence for a few minutes until I parked my van at his house. I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and stroked that brown hair he has. I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, and he pulled me in for a hot make-out session in my own car. We pulled away from each other and had some time to breathe until I broke the silence. I said, “Spence...you know I…”

He said, “I know. I love you too.”

I gulped. “I love you platonically. I don’t want a relationship to ruin our friendship. I do love you, Spencer.”

Spencer nodded. “I understand. I don’t want to fuck up our friendship either...hey, if we do decide to date and we’re lucky, we’ll be like Brendon and Ryan.”

“True, but let’s not rush into things right now. Take things slow.”

He gave me another kiss on my cheek. “I know, Brent. I respect that.” Spencer added, “By the way, thank you...for everything you do for me.”

I kissed his forehead. “What friends are for, right? We watch each other’s backs. That’s what friends do for each other.” I pulled him into another kiss, not even caring that I’m kissing one of my best friends. Whatever though. I’m not afraid to kiss a guy, even if it happens to be Spencer. I fixed his hair so his mom and dad wouldn’t get suspicious. “I think it’s about time for you to get in there. If anything bad happens, call me. I’ll let you stay with my dad, my brother and me.”

Spencer smiled. “Thanks, Brent.” He kissed me on the cheek and opened the car door before climbing out. “Night.”

“Night, Spin.” I made sure he got in his house safely before driving away back to my house, which is near an old 7-Eleven. I pulled into the driveway to see that Brendon and Ryan’s choir teacher was out here for some reason. I shut the car off and took my stuff inside before going back out to see her still out here. I asked, “Hey, do you need something, Miss?”

The young woman replied in her New Yorker accent, “No, I don’t need anything, Brent. I just was going home. I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble.”

I shook my head. “Nah, you’re not causin’ us any trouble.” I smiled. “Say, a nice young woman like yourself might need someone to take you home. It’s dark out.” I recognized her because of her multi-colored ponytails. “Aren’t you Autumn?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I’m Autumn. Your friends are in my class...the two who are always together.”

“Yeah...Brendon and Ryan are basically inseparable. You sure you don’t need a ride home?”

Autumn shook her head. “Nah! I’m from Brooklyn and my daddy’s in the mob. I may be an innocent-lookin’ girlie, but I know how to protect myself.”

“Alrighty, Autumn. You be safe, ‘kay?”

“Night-night, Brent.”

“Night, Autumn.”


	9. "I hope I never wake up."

*Miss Quinzel’s POV*

 

I got into work (meaning the school) early as usual. There’s choir stuff that needs to be done and I’d like it done early so I don’t have to sort through everything later. I looked up from my work area and saw a few students come in...probably going to ask me about honor choir. To be quite honest, I don’t really have much time to answer questions about it right now. To my surprise, it was Ryan, who I talked to yesterday. He seemed to have brought a friend with him, and I know he doesn’t look very happy right now. I said to him, “Hi there, Ryan.” I looked over at his friend...the one who I ran into last night when I was going home. No, I wasn’t drunk. I added, “And hi, Brent. What seems to bring you two here?”

Ryan said to me quietly, “Ummm...M...I mean, Autumn, I really need to talk to you about something.” 

I nodded. “Okay, Ryan. What is it?” 

He gulped and turned to Brent. “Brent...I’ll catch up with you later. This is a private matter...and I don’t think you’d want to hear about it.”

Brent shrugged. “Alrighty, Ry. Whatever you say.” He walked out and closed the choir room door. It should give Ryan a sense of security. He seems to be more private about certain things than others. I asked him:

“What’s buggin’ ya, Ry?” He hesitated for a moment, so I sat him down and gave him a pat on the back. “Oh, c’mon. You can tell me. I’m not gonna blab to anybody.”

Ryan gulped. “Well...umm...have you ever felt like your day was going normal but then something kind of...sabotages it?”

I replied, “Well, sure I have. A lot, actually.” I noticed his cheeks looked a lot more flushed than usual...and he was holding his stomach. I felt his forehead and his cheeks to see if he was feverish because he sure looks like it. I asked him out of concern, “Ryan, you’re not lookin’ too hot. You feelin’ okay?” He shrugged. “What’s th’matter? Can’t help ya if y’don’t talk t’me.”

He sighed. “Okay...Autumn, I’ll tell you...since I know you’ll understand.” Ryan blushed as he said, “I woke up this morning with some pain...you know what I’m talking about, don’t you?” I knew exactly what he was hinting at. He was just too embarrassed to say.

I shook my head in dismay. “Oh, you poor baby...that must’ve been horrible.”

Ryan blushed redder. “Y-Yeah, it sure was.”

“You’re sure as hell not gonna suffer th’whole day, are you?”

He shrugged. “I have no choice but to deal with it the whole day since I can’t carry that medicine around.” Ryan added, “And I can’t go to the nurse’s office for it...they’ll think I’m crazy.”

I brushed his long hair out of his face. “Mm’kay, Ryan, here’s what you need to know about that kind of thing. It’s not a curse. It’s a natural thing...personally, I’ve never heard of men getting it until you came around. I get it. You don’t feel all that great.” I whispered, “Betcha wanna just strangle somebody sometimes.”

He laughed. “I want to, but I can’t...and I bet Brendon doesn’t want to deal with me being moodier than I usually am.”

“Oh, sugah, they’ll never know unless you tell ‘em,” I said. I added, “Besides, it’s not like anyone’s gonna rat you out.” I fixed my ponytails. “If you need t’go take care of some business during class today, you don’t have t’ask. Just go. That’s a little thing I tell everyone, especially the girls.”

“Hey, at least I have a good excuse to get chocolate,” he said. “And Brennie can give me back rubs….and Spencer can basically be my heating pad. Just kidding about the heating pad part.”

I hugged him. “If you need anythin’ related t’that,, I got a bag full of that stuff.” I took off his hat and fluffed up his hair. “Gotta come prepared, y’know?”

He nodded. “Yeah...something I sometimes forget to do.”

“That happens. You’re not th’first one and you’re certainly not gonna be th’last one, dollface,” I said. “Everyone forgets t’prepare sometimes. There were plenty of times when I was in school that I forgot t’prepare for Motha Nature’s wrath on my body, and lemme tell ya, it wasn’t fun.” My face flushed a little warmer. “It’s not fun when you’re out and it just hits ya right then n’ there, y’know?”

Ryan shrugged. “No, it’s never fun.” He laughed. “I remember this one time this pain started during my math class freshman year and my teacher was being a dick and he wasn’t letting me go take care of it. Of course Spencer and all the girls stood up for me...and he took me to take care of that thing and he got three days of detention.”

I laughed. “Betcha got detention too, sugah.”

“Yeah, I did...we both did, but it was worth it. That son of a bitch apologized though.”

“Sounds like he was a scumbag.”

Ryan blushed. “He sure was. Thankfully he moved to another county.”

I gave him a hug. “Ryan, y’know that I would never do that to ya.” I rolled my eyes. “Hate it when teachers do that t’their own students.”

“Yeah, same. My physics teacher does that to me all the time, but that’s because she genuinely hates me,” he replied.

I laughed. “Ryan, that hag’s just waitin’ to retire. It’s nothin’ against you. She’s just old and set in her ways.” I added, “Oh, I heard Zakowski got fired recently for bein’ an ass hat...but I had a feeling he would eventually, due to all the complaints from students.”

Ryan nodded. “My boyfriend and one of our friends had him. Brendon told me about him. From the sound of it, he kind of reminds me of my math teacher from freshman year.” He stood up and hugged me. “Thank you for listening, Autumn. You’re so nice.”

“Anytime, sweetheart. Now you go do what you need to do.”

 

 

*Brendon’s POV*

 

I saw Ryan coming over from the choir room in a slightly better mood than he was when he woke up. I have to be careful with him because he’s really touchy right now. I gave him a warm hug. “Hey there, Ryan. You feeling any better?”

Ryan shook his head. “No, not really. Still have really bad pains and I feel sick.”

My eyes widened and my cheeks turned bright red. “Oh. Do you need one of us to take you to the nurse for some of that medicine?”

“It’s fine, Brendon. I can go by myself. It’s not like I’m gonna die.”

I kissed his forehead. “I’m just trying to help, babe. I don’t want you hurting for the rest of the day.” I added, “I don’t want to have to call your mom because you’re hurting so badly.”

Spencer gave Ryan a small bottle of pills and a bar of dark chocolate. He said, “Here, Ryro.”

Ryan said quietly, “Thank you, Spencer.” He took a couple pills and then gave the bottle back to Spencer, who put it back in his bag. “You’re a lifesaver.” 

I looked at Spencer confused. “How do you never get caught with that stuff?!”

He shrugged. “Maybe it’s ‘cause I don’t make a huge deal out of it like you do? Because that stuff is literally no big deal.” Spencer added, “I know how he feels....it’s not fun.”

“Well, I kind of do have to make a huge deal out of it because Ryan’s my boyfriend and I love him!” I said.

Ryan moaned quietly in agony. “Guys...please don’t argue. I’m not in the mood for it.” I saw him opening the wrapper of the chocolate bar and start eating it. I rubbed his back, trying to be careful with him and then kissed him on his neck. That was when I noticed what I had done...he literally moaned. I’m assuming his neck is really sensitive, especially as of right now. He giggled. “Careful, Beeb. I’m sensitive there.”

I chuckled. “I can see that, babe.” I gave him a gentle hug and stroked his hair. I shrugged. “Well, at least it’s Friday, right?”

“I guess...I’ll be moody and achy all weekend though.”

I replied, “So what? It’s not that I really mind.” I kissed his cheek. “Love ya, babe.”

He laughed softly. “Love ya too.” After messing around for a few, the bell rang for everyone to go to class. That meant that we kind of had to go our separate ways for a while. At least I’ll get to see Ryan in Ivy’s. A few hours passed and I finally got to see him. From what I could see, he was a little...distant. I don’t even know why. I said, “Hey, Ryan!”

No answer out of him. I wonder what I did wrong. It’s not like him to do this. All he did was sit there and do his busy work like he usually does. Ryan’s been acting weird and honestly, I don’t know what else I can do. I attempted to wrap my arm around him, but he just scooted away. I got a little impatient. I asked him, “Ryan, what’s the matter?” The only response I got out of him was a shrug of his shoulders. I sighed in defeat. “Babe, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. Could you please speak up?” I finally got an answer out of him. He replied coldly:

“How about you go talk to your darling lady friend about what’s wrong, Brendon?”

I raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What does she have to do with anything, Ryan?” His body language is very closed...like he doesn’t want to let anyone in anymore. I asked him, “Is it because of what happened when you were in the hospital?”

Ryan answered sharply, “Don’t speak of that! That was traumatizing for me, and you know it!”

“Baby, all I did was ask a question. You didn’t have to snap at me!” I said. I took him out into the hall to talk to him alone and see what the fuck is going on with him because I’m scared to death right now. I’m afraid he’s going to do something and I’ll never see him again. My frustration was at bay, but only temporarily. I asked him calmly, “Ryan, what’s going on? You want to tell me?” 

He sighed. “Brendon, some things were said directly to one of my friends. She didn’t even do anything wrong. I don’t understand why someone would do such a thing to a person as sweet as her.” Ryan continued, “I tried talking to the person who was being an asshole and they threatened to tell everyone about a certain teacher and make them lose their job.”

I hugged him. “It’s Mr. Slavic you’re worried about, isn’t it?”

Ryan started tearing up. “Also Mr. Steele...I don’t want either one of them to be fired.”

I reassured him, “That’s gonna be pretty hard to fire them because there’s no evidence to prove that they did anything wrong. Don’t worry about them, okay? You’re gonna stress yourself out.”

“Not like I’m not stressed out already!”

“Listen, Ry. Slavic is liked by a lot of people, and so’s Steele. They won’t get fired, I promise,” I said calmly. Now that I mention it...I’ve noticed that Mr. Slavic and Mr. Steele have a thing for each other. Mr. Slavic can’t even sit still in the same room with Mr. Steele, so that’s an indication that they must have a thing going on. Like can you imagine the looks on those girls’ faces when they find out that the guys they have crushes on are gay? I gave Ryan a kiss on the cheek. “Just don’t stress yourself out, alright?”

He sighed. “I’ll try not to. Sorry I was being a little distant, Brendon.”

I said, “That’s okay, Ry. I knew you were worried about something.” I took Ryan back in Ivy’s classroom and we just acted like nothing happened. Of course, Spencer was drooling over her like usual. She came over to our table and asked:

“Is everything okay over here?”

Ryan nodded. “Of course, Miss Ivy. Everything’s fine.” 

She gave both of us a playful nudge. “Good. Glad to hear that.” Miss Ivy said to us, “If you need anything, come to me.” I can see why Spencer drools over her every single day...she’s gorgeous. Ryan got Spencer’s attention.

“Psst! Hustler!”

Spencer whispered back, “What’s up, hoe?” He’s literally joking around when he calls him that.

He said quietly, “You’re about to salivate all over the desk. I know Miss Ivy is beautiful, but calm yourself, hustler.” Of course, Spencer tried to keep his cool around her because he really likes her. Miss Ivy left the classroom for a temporary amount of time and the class was left to us for a little while. It was literally the best time for Ari to come over here and start things with us again.

Ari said, “So I heard about you and Mr. Slavic, Femboy. Hope your boyfriend’s okay with it.”

Ryan asked, “And what exactly did you hear, Ari?”

“I heard you were getting intimate with him.”

I covered for him. “Ryan’s not doing anything with Mr. Slavic. He would never stoop that low. Ryan just helps him out with things in his classroom, and that’s it. Nothing sexual at all. His mother knows Mr. Slavic and she will tell you that he would never do anything to hurt his students, let alone my boyfriend.”

Ari shrugged. “Whatever. I just heard something and I thought I’d let you know.”

Ryan smirked. “Sweetheart, don’t believe everything you hear.” He brushed his bangs out of his face. “Besides, it’s already obvious that you don’t like me and I don’t like you.” He finished with, “So get out of here.”

“Are you serious right now, Ryan? You are the one who should be leaving, bitch!”

He said, “Careful, Ari. Too much of that, and you’ll get frown lines...maybe your boyfriend should know about all the guys you slept with too.” Ryan laughed. “Oh, nevermind about that! He already knows! But don’t worry, sugar, he didn’t hear it from me.”

I whispered, “Ry, you’re going way too far. Stop before you get hurt.” Ari obviously got really mad and Ryan just started laughing maniacally. That laughing alone freaked me out. Right when Miss Ivy came back in, Ari screamed at Ryan:

“Ryan Ross, you should just go kill yourself! Everyone hates you! You’re an emotional mess, you try to win people over because you want people to feel sorry for you, and you just act all cute and sweet just so your teachers can be all over you! Nobody will miss you, Ryan, and I hope you know that. Plus, Mr. Steele just likes you because he wants a piece of that ass! And if you’re not afraid of dying, do us all a favor and pull the trigger.” 

All of that left poor Miss Ivy speechless, Ryan ran out of the room about to start crying, and Spencer was livid. That was the first time I saw Miss Ivy angry ever. She said, “Ariana, I cannot believe that you would say something like that, and to Ryan, for that matter!”

Ari explained, “Miss Ivy, Ryan was being rude to me first.”

She sighed. “Ariana, Ryan has never been rude to anybody without a good reason. You may have set him off somehow.” She added, “But what you said to him really hurt him! Don’t you know about what he goes through at home?” Spencer raised his hand, trying not to lose himself. Miss Ivy noticed him. “Yes, Spencer?”

“I’d like to go find Ryan and bring him back in here so I don’t lose my cool. May I please be excused?”

“Go ahead, Spencer. Go find Ryan.” After she said that, my phone went off not even five minutes of Spencer being gone. I gulped. 

“Miss Ivy...Ryan just left. His stuff isn’t here. He must have grabbed it when he ran out.”

She said, “It isn’t like him to do that.” She said to Ari, “Ari, I apologize for losing my temper. Just please don’t bully Ryan anymore, and that goes for all of your friends too.”

Ari nodded. “I understand, Miss Ivy. I’m sorry.”

 

*Spencer’s POV*

 

 

I have to find Ryan. He just stormed out of Ivy’s class and I don’t know where he is. I noticed that someone was out here. I think they must be from band because I recognize them. It was Mikey. He takes physics and band with me. It must’ve been him leaving for the day. I caught up to him before he left. I said breathless, “Oh, hey there, Mike.”

Mikey said, “Hey, Spence! What’re you doin’ out here? I was just about to leave.”

I asked him, “Mike, did you see Ryan anywhere?”

“I don’t think so. Why?”

I sighed. “I’m looking for him. He ran out of Miss Ivy’s class and his stuff isn’t in the classroom.” I added, “I’m worried about him and I was wondering if you’ve seen him so I can go to where he is and talk to him.”

Mikey shrugged. “I dunno what to tell you, Spencer, because I haven’t seen him all day.” He thought about it for a second, and it finally came to him. He said, “Pete ditches class all the time with Hayley, so I think they might have seen him leave.”

“Thanks, Mikey.” I was then off to look for Pete. Sure enough, Pete was in his car getting high and Hayley was in a giggling fit like she usually is. I knocked on his car window and Pete rolled it down, asking me:

“You a cop?”

I shook my head. “Not a cop, man. I just needed to ask you and Hayley about somebody.” 

Hayley asked me, “Who’re you asking about?”

“Ryan.”

Pete raised an eyebrow. “Which Ryan? There’s a bunch of Ryans who go to this school. Which one are you talking about?”

“The one with the long hair. Pageboy hat. He plays guitar in band...and he’s super smart.”

He smirked. “Oh, Ryan Ross, huh? The emotional one. The one who’s with Brendon Urie.” I nodded.

“Do either of you know where he went? I’m trying to find him.”

“Well, where did you see him last?”

I replied, “Miss Ivy’s class. He ran out of the classroom and I checked everywhere I could think of in the building and he’s not anywhere to be found. Did you see him drive off somewhere?”

Hayley nodded. “Mmhmm! I saw Ryan drive off! He took his car and he seemed really upset.”

“Which way did he go, Hay? I need to find him so I can talk to him.”

She said, “He left through the entrance nobody goes through. If you’re fast, you’ll catch up to him in no time.” She put her hair up in a ponytail. “Just make sure you don’t break any laws while you find him, ‘kay?”

I gasped. “Oh my god, thank you so much.” I said to them, “Be safe, you two.” I walked around until I found my car and hopped on in to find Ryan before he does anything stupid. I drove around asking people if they saw him and they all shook their heads. I got lucky over by the park that was on the other side of this part of town. I saw an old Volkswagen Beetle and it must be him because he’s still in his car. I parked near him and ran over to his car to see him in tears and about to start cutting again. I knocked on his window and he rolled it down. He obviously knew I wasn’t too happy with him. Ryan kept saying over and over again:

“Spencer, I’m so sorry! I didn’t even want to do this again...I stopped doing this a long time ago!”

I sighed. “Ry, it’s not about that at all. I know you’re too smart to get yourself sucked into that again.” I added, “I came over here to talk to you about something else.”

“What’s that?” Ryan asked me as he sniffled. I got in the car next to him and comforted him. He said quietly, “I’m so sorry that I stormed out of Miss Ivy’s class. I couldn’t take it anymore.” Ryan breathed in and out shakily. “I’m done with Ari’s bullshit. I’ve dealt with it for way too long!”

I knew I had to be real with him. I said to him, “Okay, first of all, you need to calm down. I don’t want you to have a stroke or a heart attack. Second, Ari’s a fucking bitch and you shouldn’t be letting her get to you as badly as you do. Lastly, you’ll never see her again after you graduate anyway. Don’t worry about her.”

Ryan clenched his fists. “She’s lucky that she doesn’t know how I can be.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He said with a smirk, “Well, it’s quite simple, Spence. You’ve seen my bad side...my very bad side. She’s quite lucky that she hasn’t seen me like that...off my meds...I can be really scary.”

I nodded. “Yeah. You can be pretty scary when you don’t take your meds for a few days. If your mom knew about this, she’d let you stand up to that little hoe.”

Ryan shrugged. “As much as I want to, I can’t. I don’t want to get in trouble with the law, and I sure as hell don’t want to be in a jail cell for beating up a girl.”

“Well, of course not. I was just saying.”

He said, “You don’t understand, Spencer. You really don’t. You may have nothing to lose, but I have everything to lose if I do something like that! Sure I’d like to put Ari in her place and have her leave us be, but what’s that gonna solve? It’ll only make things worse for everyone.”

I replied sharply, “Ryan, I am so sick and tired of you being a pussy and not standing up for yourself! I really am!” I continued, “You’re so damn soft that you can’t even bring yourself to stand up to your own family, let alone someone who’s been bothering you since you were in middle school. No wonder Brendon always has to worry about you all the time, and he shouldn’t have to worry about you because he’s already got baggage of his own to deal with! Him dealing with yours doesn’t help him much, now does it?” Ryan shook his head. I sighed. “Look, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings or anything. I’m trying to be real with you and tell you like it is, not sugarcoat everything.”

He exploded back at me. “You think you’re so perfect, don’t you, Spencer? Well, how about you acting like you’re the shit every single day of your life because you don’t want people to know about what really goes on at home? I may be soft, but you’re just as soft as I am! If you want people to like you, why don’t you try not being so bitchy to everyone!?” He added, “Just because you have a slightly better home life than I do, it doesn’t mean that you’re better than I am. I don’t like it when you go around and act like you’re better than everyone.” Ryan continued, “Oh yeah, how are you and Brent doing? You think he’s got enough baggage in his life too? His parents are divorced! You’re lucky to still have your parents together! You’re lucky that your own dad does things with you! My dad doesn’t do shit with me and he still doesn’t! My mama has to beg him to do anything having to do with me or her.” He took a deep breath. “To put it frankly, you have the better home life out of all of us.”

“No, I’d have to disagree on that one, Ryan. Arguably, it’s Brent because his dad doesn’t trap him inside of his house.” I noticed that he started crying again and I knew he felt horrible for snapping at me, even though he had every reason to. I hugged him tightly, comforting him and stroking his hair. “Sssshhh...it’s okay, Ry. I’m not mad at you. Don’t think that I’m mad at you. You had every reason to snap. I understand, buddy.” I lifted up his head. “Ryan, everything’s gonna be okay. I promise you that. You’re not the only one who has problems...I have problems, Brendon has problems, Brent has problems...everyone has problems. We’re only young.”

Ryan sniffled and wiped his eyes with his long sleeves. “I’m sorry for snapping at you, Spence. I didn’t mean to.”

I said, “Never apologize for expressing how you feel. Your feelings are valid.” I added, “Besides, you had every reason to snap at me.”

He shook his head. “No, I didn’t, Spencer. I’m sorry.”

I chuckled. “Ryro, you don’t need to sugarcoat everything for me! I can take the heat. Lay it on me when you need to, buddy.” I kissed his cheek in the friendly way. “I love ya, man. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

Ryan kissed my forehead in the friendly way. “I love you too, Spence. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you either.” He added, “Say, my mom invited you to have dinner with us tonight. You interested?”

“Sure! My parents and my sisters will be there too.” I nudged his shoulder. “They really like you.” 

 

*That night*

 

*Ryan’s POV*

 

It was already kind of hard to explain to my parents why I left school for the rest of the day because I felt horrible at the moment, but I hope that they would understand. My dad asked me, “So we got a call from your school telling us that you left the premises. What was that all about, Ro?”

I said quietly, “If I told you, you’d get mad at me.”

My mom said, “Sweetheart, we won’t be angry if you just tell us why you left school for the rest of the day.” 

I sighed. “I left school for the rest of the day because this girl kept on bothering me and she told me that I should go kill myself.”

Mama was livid. She asked, “What?! That’s insane!” She said in a quiet and intimidating tone, “If that girl bothers you again, so help me, I’ll let you off your meds for a few days and I’ll let you kill her! Do you understand me, Ryan?” 

“But Mama! As much as I want to put Ariana in her place, I can’t be off my meds!” 

Dad asked me, “When are you gonna quit lettin’ people push you around, boy?!”

I said, “Maybe when this band thing goes smoothly, Dad.” I left it at that and was silent until dinner was ready. While we were all eating, I knew that I needed to have some time alone. I whispered to Brendon, “Brennie, I need to grab something from upstairs.”

Brendon whispered back, “Okay, babe.” I went upstairs to the bathroom to have some time alone and locked the door. I looked into the medicine cabinet for some of the sleeping pills I was prescribed months ago and I read the label on the bottle. I can’t take it anymore. I heard the voices swirling around in my head.

You’re nothing, Ross!

Why do you even bother? Nobody likes a feminine-looking faggot like you.

Steele just likes you because he wants a piece of that ass.

You wanna be a rockstar, huh? Well, good luck with that. It ain’t happenin’.

I really hate it when you do that to me, Ryan! I hate it when you hide shit from me!

Nobody would miss you if you were gone!

Everyone’s going to find out about you and Slavic sooner or later.

You should just go cut your emo wrists and die, Femboy!

Do us all a favor and pull the damn trigger.

I couldn’t take it anymore. The tears just began streaming down, burning my cheeks as I looked in the mirror and took almost half the bottle of sleeping pills. I felt awful afterwards, so I cut open one of my razors and got the blades out to try to slice against my porcelain white skin, but I decided against it. I’ve been clean for years, so I can’t risk that now. After that, I collapsed onto the cold tile floor, crying my eyes out and screaming. I was about to die right there in my house. I cried out for my mom repeatedly, but I guess she didn’t hear me. I heard two people running up the stairs and banging on the bathroom door.

“Ryan! Ryan! You okay in there?” I knew that was Spencer’s voice. He needed to get to me, but I couldn’t pull myself up to unlock the door. He yelled through the door. “If you don’t unlock this door right now, I’m kicking it down!” That was when he began kicking the door. I heard Nick too. 

“Ryan, please open the door! We’re trying to help you, sweetheart!”

 

 

*Danielle’s POV*

 

I heard a huge commotion upstairs and I heard screaming too. I was speaking to Spencer’s mother when I heard someone screaming my name. I said to her, “I’ll be back with you in a moment, hun. I need to see what’s going on upstairs.”

“Take your time, Dani,” she said with a smile. I saw Spencer and Nick trying to kick the bathroom door down. 

“What on earth are you two doing to the bathroom door?” I asked in a panicked state. Spencer was almost on the verge of tears. “Spencer, what’s the matter?” 

He said to me, “It’s Ryan! We’re trying to get to him because we heard him screaming and he locked the door, Dani!” 

I held him close to try calming him down, but Nick was still panicking like a lunatic. I said, “You two need to calm down. I have the key to the bathroom and I’ll unlock the door. Okay?” They nodded and I proceeded to unlock the bathroom door only to see my youngest son on the ground just barely clinging onto life. I screamed and picked up my son, walking fast down the stairs. I was in hysterics as I was holding onto my son.

“What’s going on, Danielle?” George asked me. I was too upset to say anything. He looked at our little boy in my arms just choking for air. “Ro! What happened?”

Spencer shouted, “RYAN’S DYING, GEORGE!” He asked me, “Dani, can I use your phone? We need to take Ryan to the hospital.”

Nick said, “Forget calling 911! We need to take him right now, or else he’s going to die!” Good point. We all raced over to the emergency room and I watched the nurses wheel off my little boy, which scared the hell out of me. Spencer’s mother was comforting me the whole time, letting me know that everything was going to be okay. After a while, one of the nurses came out and asked us:

“Are you all here for Mr. Ross?”

I said, “Yes! We’re all here for him!”

Spencer begged her, “Let us see him!” We were all granted access to where my son was. He was hooked up on oxygen, his stomach must have been pumped, and he had needles with medicine injected into his arms. Brendon couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He was so shocked by what happened to Ryan that he couldn’t talk.

“Brendon, he’s going to be okay, sweetheart.”

He shook his head. “No, he’s not, Danielle!” Brendon said to Ryan, “Ryan, I can’t believe that you’d do that to me! I can’t believe how you just stormed off and left school campus with Spencer having to go find you!” 

Ryan said to him weakly, “Brendon...I’m so sorry. I couldn’t take it anymore...I had to leave before I hurt somebody. That’s why I left. Plus...Ari was right. Nobody would miss me if I was gone.”

Nick jumped in. “That’s where you’re wrong, Ryan! There are too many people who love and care about you! If nobody loved you or cared about you, why are there so many people in here saving you? Why would we be in here right now? If we didn’t care, you’d be on that tile floor dead.”

Brendon got up close to Ryan. “You get better, Ryan. You’re going back to the hospital until you’re better. If you pull this shit again, we’re through.”

Ryan hissed, “Then I’ll just blow my brains out, Brendon. I can’t live without you.” He added, “I love you too much to lose you.”

“If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t be in a hospital bed right now! You would be still at home and be okay!” Brendon said sharply. “I’m telling you this because I love you! I didn’t ask for you to be in a hospital bed right now, babe.”

The doctor came over and said to him, “Ryan, according to your medical history, you’ll be admitted to a mental hospital until you are not posing a threat to yourself.” With that, Ryan lost all consciousness and people came over, making Spencer livid.

“If Ryan dies right now, I’m killing everyone in this room and then myself! I’m not fucking around! I am not gonna lose my best friend!”

“You’re going to be admitted to the same hospital as your friend there.” 

Spencer growled. “Suit yourself, Doc. I’m not losin’ Ryan. Not on my watch. He’s only sixteen, dude. He’s like the brother I never had! I love him to pieces and I don’t want to watch him die right in front of me. None of us do!” He came close to Ryan and hugged him. “I’m gonna be in the loonie bin with you soon, Ryro...so you won’t be alone.” 

Brent hasn’t said a word all night. All he said was, “I’m gonna miss you and Ry, Spence. I’ll try to visit you as much as I can.” He turned to Brendon. “What about you, Beebs? You gonna try to visit your boyfriend?”

Brendon retorted, “Not until I know he’s better! I hate seeing him like this, Brent!”

Ryan smirked. “It’s a little unexpected coming out of you, sweetheart. Ironic, really…’cause I’d go out of my way to come see you if you were in my shoes. But you won’t even bother to come see me, the only person who fucking cares about you!”

“I don’t like seeing you like this, Ryan, so that’s why I’ll stay away for a little while,” he explained. He continued, “Don’t worry. I won’t break up with you. I’m just going to stay away for a while until I know that you’re feeling better, babe. I’m not doing this because I hate you. I’m doing this because I love you and I need you to get some help. You’re mentally ill, Ro.” He held his hand. “But I promise, I will call you to check on you and see how you’re doing...every chance I get. Because I love you, moon.”


	10. "I wish you the best." (Alternative ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title reads, this is the alternative ending to this book. The official ending is in part nine.

*Ryan’s POV*

 

Today at school was horrible. It was so bad that I literally left school because I couldn’t take it anymore. Of course, Spencer found me before I did anything stupid. We talked and we both went home after he knew that I was safe and I wasn’t going to hurt myself. My mom invited Spencer and his family, Brent and his family, and Brendon...yeah, he lives with me. I know I upset Brendon by storming out of Miss Ivy’s class, so I tried to apologize to him and he seemed to be forgiving of me because he understood. Before everyone else arrived, I was helping my mom with dinner and she was too occupied with making dinner to even think about asking me why I left school. My dad of course found out about it. I mentally prepared for him to scream at me like he usually does, if he doesn’t choke me or anything like that. He came over to me and said:

“Your school called and said that you left school grounds. What the fuck has been with you the past few weeks, Ryan? You never do that shit!”

I rolled my eyes and just ignored him. I’m in no mood to deal with my dad yelling at me today. I already have enough on my plate because of school and wondering if I’ll even have the guts to be the driving force in a band. He started to try to get me to tell him again, but using my birth name. I hate it when he uses it. It makes me want to scream until I lost my voice.

“George Ryan Ross the third, I don’t appreciate you ignoring me when I’m asking you a question! Now tell me why you left school grounds today!”

I retorted, “Leave me alone, Father! Since when were you so concerned about my schoolwork all of a sudden?! I thought you didn’t give a fuck about what I’m doing in school!” I added, “Besides, for a lot of my schooling, you were either working, out drinking even though Mama has told you plenty of times not to, or you’re down in the basement drinking yourself into a coma. Now you’re concerned about what I do in school? You don’t even give a rat’s ass about how I do!” I was real close to going up to him and give him a taste of his own medicine, but what’s that going to solve? Nothing. Mama rolled her eyes and said to me quietly:

“Ignore him, Ry-Ry. He’s just on his rambles again. Don’t worry about it too much.”

Dad sighed. “Let me guess...you’d rather tell your mother than me about why you fuckin’ left for the rest of the day?”

I said, “Well, maybe it’s because Mama doesn’t scream at me like you do, Dad! Yes, I left for the rest of one school day. So what? It’s not the end of the world! I’ve ditched class before and Mama was perfectly fine with it because I told her that I was going to leave. I do my homework even before I come home, I’m passing all of my classes as of right now, I’m not getting in trouble with the law, and I am sure as hell not like you. I don’t understand why you beat me up physically, verbally, and psychologically when I did absolutely nothing to you!” I groaned. “Brendon, could you help me out here?”

Brendon threw his hands up. “I’m staying out of it.”

“What the hell, Brendon?! You’re gonna just let my dad possibly attack me? What a real good boyfriend you are! At least if your good-for-nothing parents were giving you shit, I’d be there to stick up for you!”

He said, “Babe, calm down. The reason why I said that is because I don’t want to make it worse for you. Okay?” He added, “Besides, you need to start standing up for yourself. I can’t keep doing it all the time.”

That was when something snapped. I snarled, “Oh, you’re just the most goddamn perfect person to ever exist, aren’t you? How dare you try to act like you’re so much better than me! Oh, of course nothing’s wrong with you, is there? Who helped you move out of your parents’ house because they didn’t accept you for being an atheist? Me. Who visited you when you were feeling down in the dumps? That’s right. Me. Who has always had your back on everything and supported you through hell or high water? ME!”

“Baby...I didn’t mean to say it like that. I’m sorry.” After he said that, I started crying. I felt horrible for snapping at him.

I was sniveling. “I-I’m so sorry, Brennie...I didn’t mean to snap at you over something that had nothing to do with you!” 

Brendon gave me a hug and consoled me. “Oh, my poor baby. I know you didn’t mean it.” I was still sniveling and gasping for air. He said, “Hey...I’m not mad at you for leaving Ivy’s. If I was in your shoes, I’d leave too.”

Mama comforted me. “Ry-Ry, we won’t be mad at you if you tell us. Don’t be afraid. I’ll make sure your father doesn’t hurt you.”

I sighed. “The reason why I left school for the rest of the day is because this girl was bothering me.” I was shaking. “Sh-She said that I should go kill myself...and I couldn’t take it anymore.” I began sobbing again and was shaking in my boyfriend’s arms.

Dad roared, “What?!”

“Oh, my poor baby!” my mom comforted me and kissed my head. This was one of the rare occasions when my mom actually got mad. She said to me in her most intimidating voice, “If that girl bothers you again, so help me, I will let you be off your meds for a few days and kill her. Do you understand me, Ryan?”

I insisted, “Mama, as much as I’d love to put Ari in her place and make sure she never bothers me or my friends again, I can’t beat her up! I don’t want to go to jail because I beat up a girl who’s been bothering me since middle school.” 

Mama said, “Ry-Ry, I didn’t mean to say it like that. Just put her in her place. You don’t have to beat her up or anything like that because we taught you better than that. Get under her skin, y’know? I know you know how to do that.” 

I sighed in relief. “Oh, that’s a relief. I really don’t want to beat up a girl. I would never do that anyway.”

“I know, sweetie. You’re a good boy.” After a while, everyone else started showing up...except for Brendon’s family, which isn’t surprising. They wouldn’t want to see themselves with a bisexual atheist and his feminine-looking boyfriend. Whatever. What Brendon and I do is none of their business anyway. Like, we’re not doing anything extreme. Of course, Spencer’s little sisters automatically ran over to me and hugged me. They’re sweethearts. Blake said to me:

“Hey, Ryan! What’re you doin’?”

I said, “Just being attacked by two adorable girls. What about you, Blake?”

“Meh. Just hanging out with my big brother and my dad.” 

Something I wish my dad would be willing to do like he used to, I thought. I shouldn’t be worrying about that right now. Sometimes I do get a little envious of my friends, but I still love them dearly. I sat down by Brendon like I usually do and everyone was socializing with one another. I just wanted to stay as quiet as possible. Nick, our band teacher decided to come by as well, which settled me a little bit. Spencer’s mom was the first person who noticed that I was being really quiet. She asked me:

“Ryan, what’s the matter? You’ve been very quiet.” 

Brent’s dad observed, “You barely even said a word tonight.”

Mama covered for me. “Ryan’s not feeling very talkative tonight.” She took me aside and asked me quietly, “Are you feeling well?” I shook my head. I actually feel like I’m going to puke or pass out. She felt my cheeks and my forehead. “Sweetie, you’re burning up. You’re not getting sick, are you?”

I whispered, “It’s that thing, Mama.” She nodded and felt my stomach and my back, which I almost screamed in pain. “Mama, careful...I’m in pain.”

“I’m so sorry, Ry-Ry. If you need to, you can go lay down. I know how that feels.” I went back to the table to eat some more, which I didn’t really take much to begin with. I just wasn’t that hungry...though I never really am. I finished up and put my plate in the sink before going back to say to Brendon:

“Hey, Brennie, I’m gonna go upstairs to get something.”

Hopefully, Brendon’s going to buy it. He said quietly, “Okay, babe.” I went upstairs to the bathroom so I could get some time alone. I really need some time alone anyway. My instincts told me to lock the door and rummage the medicine cabinet for the sleeping pills I’ve been prescribed a while ago. I’ve had problems sleeping for a while. I read the label on the bottle and I had a lot of thoughts swirling through my head.

You’re nothing, Ross!

Why do you even bother trying to win people over?

You should just kill yourself, Ryan Ross!

Mr. Steele just likes you because he wants a piece of that ass.

I hate it when you hide shit from me, Ryan! I really do.

Oh, you wanna be a rockstar, huh? Well, good luck with that. It ain’t happenin’.

 

I had horrible flashbacks of all those times I was thrown on the floor, beat around and all those many nights when I cried myself to sleep. I felt tears streaming down my face and I began sobbing loudly. I took almost half of the bottle of pills and swallowed them, feeling horrible afterwards. I dropped to the floor and screamed so loudly I thought my eardrums would burst. The sobbing and screaming just got louder and louder. I screamed for my mom, but I didn’t think that she heard me. I kept on calling for anyone who would come up and help me.

 

*Spencer’s POV*

 

I heard a whole bunch of screaming from upstairs and I automatically began hyperventilating. I asked Danielle, “Danielle, may I have the bathroom key, please? I hear screaming upstairs.” I know who it is. I know that scream from anywhere. It’s horrendous and almost worthy of making someone go deaf. Danielle said to me:

“Sure, Spencer. The key’s on the counter by the fridge.”

I said, “Thank you, Danielle.” I took the key and ran upstairs to the bathroom to hear my best friend screaming and sobbing so loud that it was literally heart-wrenching. I unlocked the door and saw that he was on the tile floor vomiting. I got down beside him. What I’m witnessing right now isn’t what I ever wanted to see. The sight of him on the floor like that made my blood curdle and my stomach turn. I’ve never seen him like this before. I panicked, held him in my arms and screamed, “BRENT! BRENDON! MR. SLAVIC! PLEASE COME UP HERE!” Ryan doesn’t look very good. I tried to save him in every way I knew until they came up here. Once they got up to the bathroom, I was holding onto Ryan who was sobbing and I was joining him...and that was the only time I even cried in front of anyone else besides my friends (hence Mr. Slavic was up here too).

Brent was the only one who was calm, which really scared me. He asked me, “Spencer, what’s the matter?” I was being strangled with sobs so much that I could barely talk to him. He saw that Ryan was in my arms and he couldn’t really react. All he could do was hold the both of us and be as calm as possible. Brent held Ryan’s hand and told him, “Ryan, you’re going to be okay. Just think about all the things you want to do in life, and this will seem like just a bad dream. I promise you.” Mr. Slavic couldn’t even shed a tear. He just dropped to his knees and screamed. Brent got up to try to calm him down. “Nick, please. Ryan’s going to be okay. I know it. I know this is very traumatizing for you, but he’ll be fine. He would never leave us like this. Ever.”

He said, “Brent, you don’t understand how much this terrifies me. I found one of my students in that closet in my classroom that I don’t use hanging. I don’t want to lose another one!” 

“Nick, we’re not gonna lose Ryan! Ryan’s a fighter, and you know that better than most people who know him!” Brent and Mr. Slavic noticed that Ryan was trying to say something. He said weakly:

“Nick, it’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I would never leave any of you like this. I want Brendon to marry me...to be in a successful band with Spencer, Brent and Brendon...I’m not giving that up. That’s the only thing keeping me alive right now is you guys. If I let you down, that’d kill me. I want to be better than my dad...set a better example for kids. I may be hanging by threads right now, but guess what? By tomorrow, I’ll be okay. I won’t even remember what’s happening right now...it’ll all feel like a bad dream.”

Ryan closed his eyes for a bit, which made us all hit the fucking roof. Especially Brendon. I wonder about him a lot. I know he got kicked out and everything, but still. This is his boyfriend, Brent’s best friend, my partner in crime, and Nick’s little brother that he wish he had. Brendon started wailing. “RYAN! OPEN YOUR EYES, BABE! PLEASE DON’T DIE ON ME!” He dropped to his knees and was hysterical. “Ryan, no! I don’t want to lose you! You’re all I have!” Brendon breathed in a sob. “Everyone who I thought loved me left, but you never left...don’t leave me now, I beg you!” He took him from me and ran downstairs with him in his arms, making a scene. He could barely talk to Danielle. “D-Danielle...R-Ryan’s...he needs to get to a hospital...I don’t want him to d-die in my arms right now!” Blake asked me:

“What’s wrong with Ryan? Is he sick?”

I heard Ryan’s dad mutter, “Yeah, in the damn head like his loonie teacher.” I said:

“Hey! Not cool, George. Not cool! My sisters are here. Have some respect!”

Brent told us, “Let’s take him right now. Blake and the girls don’t need to see him like this.” We took him to Brent’s car and drove him to the emergency room. Brent said to Brendon and me, “You two keep an eye out for Ryan. Check his vitals.”

I took Ryan’s hand and felt his pulse, which he still had luckily. I said, “Ryan’s still got a pulse.”

He nodded. “Good. That’s a good sign. Where’d you learn to keep him alive like that, Spence?”

“My mom taught me.”

Brendon sniffled. “Ryan...are you okay, baby?” We were all waiting for a response out of him, but the only response we got was him sobbing. Not like when you’re sad. More like heart-wrenching and like you’re being choked. Of course, Brendon was freaking out. I don’t want my friend to die right here in Brent’s car. We finally got to the hospital and had him be rushed into the emergency room. I was sitting there in the waiting room trying not to panic so much, but it was so hard to since Ryan was in the emergency room and I wanted to know if he was going to be okay. Brendon obviously was taking this really hard. Brent? He was so numb to it that he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“Hey, you okay, Brendon?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No, Spencer, I’m not.” Brendon got angry. “I can’t believe that Ryan would do this to us...he promised us that he wouldn’t resort to this. Now he’s in the emergency room, which is not where I wanted him to be!” He breathed in a sob. “I don’t want to lose him, guys! He’s everything to me...he’s the one I want to marry! If he dies, I’ll die of a broken heart.”

Brent finally said something. He said, “Ryan will be fine. He’s a fighter. If he beat the cutting, then he can beat this. He’s a lot stronger than you seem to realize, Brendon.”

Brendon nodded. “I know. Ryan’s literally everything to me...I’ll never find a guy like him again. But I know deep down he’ll be fine.” A few of the nurses came over to us and they seemed to have good news. He asked them, “How’s my boyfriend?”

One of the nurses said, “Your boyfriend will be just fine. He just needs to stay in here for a little while.”

I sighed in relief. “Oh, thank god he’s okay! I thought we were gonna lose him.”

The other nurse laughed. “Oh, he was very lucky to have such caring friends like you three young men.” She asked, “Say, who was the one who gave him some extra time over here?”

I smiled confidently. “I did. I was taught by the best. Ryan’s my homeboy. Always will be.”

Brendon asked them, “Is it okay for us to go see him?”

“Sure. We’ll lead you three to where he is right now.” I’m so happy that he’s okay. I thought he was going to be a goner, but he survived, so that’s good. We walked in to see him with some medicine and he was hooked up on oxygen, but he was okay. That’s all that was important to us. Ryan beamed when he saw us.

“Hey, guys...you happy to see me?”

Brendon hugged him tightly. “Baby, I’m so happy that you’re okay! You really scared me!”

Ryan said quietly, “I’m sorry, Brennie...I don’t know what came over me...just what happened today was the last straw.” 

Brent got a little angry with him. “Ryan, do you know how much you scared us? Scared the hell out of me. I thought you were gonna die in my car!”

“I know, Brent, and I’m so sorry that I put you guys through that,” he replied. “But I won’t do that to you guys ever again. I promise you that.” 

I asked the doctor, “Yo, Doc, does Ryan have to go back to that mental hospital or what?”

He shook his head. “Well...according to his records, he should, but since he’s got a good support group right here with him, I believe he’ll be just fine.” 

That’s a relief. I knew he had a very traumatic experience over there and he didn’t want to go back. I better tell everyone that he’s okay. I called our parents at the house and waited for the phone to ring. They finally picked up and I said, “Hey...I’ve got some good news for you guys. Put the phone on speaker. I’ll hand the phone over to Ryan.”

Ryan talked to them. “Hey, guys. I’m in the hospital right now, but I’m okay. I love all of you dearly.” He added, “Pass it on to Blake and the girls. They’re probably worried sick about me. Tell them that I’m okay and I’ll be home once they discharge me.” I heard my sisters trying to talk to Ryan and they were telling him to get well. He laughed softly. “I’ll be just fine, girls. Don’t worry about me. I’m a strong guy. You know that.” His mom said:

“Ryan, we were worried sick about you! I’m so happy that you’re okay.”

He said, “Mama, I didn’t mean to make you worry.” There was his dad in the background and he was so hard to understand. Ryan added, “I’m so sorry, Mama. I made you worry a ton and I feel horrible about it because you already have enough to deal with.”

“No, I had every reason to worry about you, Ry-Ry. You’re my baby boy and I love you very much.”

“I love you too, Mama,” Ryan replied. He asked, “Say, how’s Nick? Is he okay now?”

His mom said, “Nick’s fine. He’s just talking to Brent’s father. Do you want to talk to him?” Ryan responded and we all heard Nick’s voice. 

“Nick!”

He asked, “Ryan?” Nick said in his cheerful voice, “I’m so happy you’re okay, Ross-a-Roo! I thought you were gonna be a goner.”

Ryan laughed. “I’m okay now, Nick. Don’t stress yourself out. It scares me when you do that.” He asked, “You’re not having a panic attack anymore, are you?”

“No, I’m not. Brent’s dad calmed me down real quick. How long are you supposed to stay in the hospital?” 

Brent took over the phone and said, “They said that he could come home in a few minutes. They just need to discharge him and I’ll bring him home.” He added, “His oxygen levels are great. Ry’s gonna be just fine. Won’t even remember it in the morning.” Brent smirked. “Nick, Ryan’s doctor’s super cute. That’ll give you something to think about.”

I took the phone from both of them and I said, “Ryan’s gonna be home in a little while. We’ll see you then.” I ended the phone call. As soon as Ryan got discharged and everything, we took him back to his place. It felt like every day we’re together. It feels good to know that our clique didn’t get torn apart. Let’s just hope he stays here for a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! If you're wondering what Brendon said to Ryan at the end, he said, "I love you, my little cabbage. I'll love you always and forever. I love you more than you'll ever know." 
> 
> "Mon petit chouchou" is a term of endearment in French. It's like when you call someone "sweetie" or "honey".


End file.
